Coming back to Taipei, I felt a driving need to shake things up. I need to get angry again, I need to rage. Razor out.

I have my limits, true, so it isn't pure anger, but it doesn't have to be "pure". The limits are that it doesn't get expressed directly towards other people. I don't directly hurt anyone by exercising and working through my karmic rage.

I need to get angry at myself, I need to self-destruct, razor's out, running shoes, drumsticks. I need to get wild in the head, I have to get crazy. I have to detach, I have to stop being so fucking nice, because I'm not so fucking nice.

I need to throw away my sleeping schedule. The strict-ish sleeping schedule I started when I became a working schlep and then continued afterwards out of habit is a bore; is making me boring to myself. I'm a language student in Taiwan. The only time I have to be awake is between 10 and noon.

I'm so sick of habit. I'm sick of the habits I develop and adhere to wherever I go, just because I'm old.

I'm sick of the idea of what I'm supposed to be doing as a language student. I don't give a fuck about learning this language, I don't feel I will ever master this language. Even though when I came back, I felt I wanted to be more diligent and study as hard as I can.

I want to study diligently and as hard as I can, but with no expectation that I will ever be able to actually communicate in this language, and without any conception of what I think I should be doing or being as a language student.

No habit with Hyun Ae is sacred, she's nothing. Say it again, nothing. Detach. I will drink before class, I will go running at three in the morning. I'll shower when I feel gross, I'll crash when I've exhausted myself. Fuckin' A.