Triumph! My method in trying to get my climbing legs in shape has been wrong all year. I kept getting discouraged struggling on what I was calling "training climbs". Actually the climb I kept struggling on was an actual climb, not just a trainer.
It's not high, it's not long, but it has challenging steep sections for someone my age. If I had to categorize Taipei climbs, it would be a category 5. The lowest in difficulty, but it's not an automatic breeze to get up it like my other training climbs.
Anyway, all this year I've been trying to prepare for bigger climbs, only to be thwarted by long periods off-bike because of weather or being discouraged by struggling on training rides.
Recently I had a spell off-bike for no reason. There has been fine weather in the past few weeks and I couldn't make it out for a single ride. I even finally bought one of those chain-cleaning machines to alleviate the guilt of not maintaining my bike properly (although I wonder if part of the difficulty getting out on a ride is because my chain was finally pristine and I didn't want to muck it up!).
So coming into this most recent opportunity to get out on a ride, I said fuck it, no more training climbs. I'm hitting the big climbs and see what happens. I'll freely go down to the lowest granny gear, I'll crawl at 3 miles per hour, and if I really can't go on, I WILL abandon and come back down and do whatever alternative ride and not be disappointed.
So I chose the closest obvious big climb to do in the mountains north of Taipei, starting in Neihu and riding up to a gap from where you can alternatively go to Wanli on the northeast coast, or come back to Taipei's Shilin district, or take any of several routes on the same side (south) of the mountain range down to Xizhi and return to Taipei.
I had no expectations. I could have abandoned as soon as I hit the lower slopes of the climb. And, yea, I felt it right away. Immediately I was struggling with breathing and focused on maintaining cardio-vascular stability; deep breaths to get any remaining alcohol metabolized through my system.
For breakfast I had half of a leftover Quizno's tuna sub and that was in my stomach. I usually don't eat breakfast or eat much before rides, and I felt it when my stomach decided it needed to digest it in a rush for more energy.
I don't know how physiology works, but I felt the sharp pain in my stomach as I continued on the climb, and it felt like an increase of acid to metabolize the sandwich into energy. Anyway, the pain didn't last long, and the higher I went, the higher the gear I was riding on.
It could be that the slopes are steeper lower down and ease off higher up, but I was able to get off the granny gear higher up. The important thing is I didn't abandon. My condition is no where near where it was when I was riding in San Francisco, and I'm not so reticent about riding in lower gears. Now, if I can manage it, no matter what gear, I'm alright with it.
And I completed the climb. Unfortunately it wasn't the 2,000 ft. climb I thought it was. It was 1,950'. Psychological disappointment. In these cases, you want to break that 2,000 ft. threshold. And as many routes lead up to that pass, they only go as high as 1,950'. I'm targeting a climb over to Pingxi next.
This after a night of total insomnia. After several incidents of one-offs of insomnia, this appears to be a stretch of it. A stretch of back-end insomnia maybe I can deal with, but add in total insomnia, well I guess I'll just report on it.
Monday, September 29, 2014
I'm still continuing my recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead
for RiSe and EunB, although by now I'm under no illusion that it is
actually in any way "for" them. I'm not thinking my recitation has had
any "real" effect on what is happening to them after death beyond "who
knows?". They presumably don't have the background or training to be
affected, even if many of the ground assertions in the book of what
happens after death are objectively something, somewhat accurate.
I put real in quotes above because real supposedly suggests something concrete. And I don't think anything is concrete. Even science is finding that fundamentally, objective reality is not something concrete, and the more they research, the weirder they find the nature of reality is.
How much more so any description or attestation of the after-death experience, and especially one that purports to be more than the fairly tales offered by subjective moral-driven imaginations of religions.
I do think the Tibetan book is an enlightened template of the after death experience. I don't think it's the only one. I definitely don't think it's a universal description of what happens. I do think a lot of it is more for the reciter, the living, than the dead. Possibly intentionally so.
So when I say I do a recitation of the book on a particular situation, I don't strictly recite what's in the book. If something doesn't feel right for the person I'm concentrating on, I'll change it.
There are portions that describe horrible things that are happening in the bardo, many involving religion-specific imagery, and I wonder if they are unnecessarily negative. I think including those descriptions in the recitation may actually conjure up those images in the bardo experience. Those are for the living to reflect on, but for those in the bardo states, I prefer to keep things positive and not mention anything negative which might conjure negativity. It's a fine line between horrible but simply descriptive and unduly negative.
I do think the book can be written without the distinctly Buddhistic references and replacing them with more general spiritual, energy-centric experiences. The book was written from supposed recollections and resonances of actual enlightened experience, but it was still contextual actual enlightened experience. That context was Buddhism. The context can be removed to offer a more universally compelling description of that experience.
I put real in quotes above because real supposedly suggests something concrete. And I don't think anything is concrete. Even science is finding that fundamentally, objective reality is not something concrete, and the more they research, the weirder they find the nature of reality is.
How much more so any description or attestation of the after-death experience, and especially one that purports to be more than the fairly tales offered by subjective moral-driven imaginations of religions.
I do think the Tibetan book is an enlightened template of the after death experience. I don't think it's the only one. I definitely don't think it's a universal description of what happens. I do think a lot of it is more for the reciter, the living, than the dead. Possibly intentionally so.
So when I say I do a recitation of the book on a particular situation, I don't strictly recite what's in the book. If something doesn't feel right for the person I'm concentrating on, I'll change it.
There are portions that describe horrible things that are happening in the bardo, many involving religion-specific imagery, and I wonder if they are unnecessarily negative. I think including those descriptions in the recitation may actually conjure up those images in the bardo experience. Those are for the living to reflect on, but for those in the bardo states, I prefer to keep things positive and not mention anything negative which might conjure negativity. It's a fine line between horrible but simply descriptive and unduly negative.
I do think the book can be written without the distinctly Buddhistic references and replacing them with more general spiritual, energy-centric experiences. The book was written from supposed recollections and resonances of actual enlightened experience, but it was still contextual actual enlightened experience. That context was Buddhism. The context can be removed to offer a more universally compelling description of that experience.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
I don't know if this morning qualifies as back-end insomnia. Probably, actually. But I feel like brushing it off, having gotten a decent chunk of sleep before waking for the first time. Five hours-ish. That, in some cases, is a full night's sleep.
(Or not. I've described this before and declared it not to be insomnia. I'm OK with that, too).
Nice days happening now that autumn has arrived. For some reason, instead of going to the gym or on a ride, I just decided to head out on my street bike and see where I took myself.
I ended up in a cemetery I had no idea existed in Xinyi district. I was looking for one of the trail heads for elephant hill. I found it, but also found that even though the weather is cooler, it was still too hot, considering I wasn't dressed for a hike, to go up trail.
When I returned to where I locked my bike, I looked around and noticed the cemetery on a hillside. I hadn't noticed it before because the foreground was dominated by a parking lot, and the gate to the cemetery was kinda hidden (to a foreigner) between the parking lot and the road leading to the psychiatric hospital.
It was a great late afternoon to wander around in an unkempt, very neglected cemetery. It was hot, but there was also some nice breezes. I've given up any identity as a "photographer" hobbyist a long time ago, but for the first time since then I "saw" things, and still toting a point and shoot in my rucksack, I took some shots.
I gave up shooting for a number of reasons. The two foremost being the advent of the misnomered "smart phone" (granted the phones are probably smarter than the majority of the users), which invited everyone to take pictures of fucking everything and posting them fucking everywhere. They've largely rendered my type of photography irrelevant. You have to be really, really good to capture photos that stand out.
The other reason being that I just stopped "seeing" shots. That's what photography was to me. It was about seeing, noticing, finding. Visually that stopped happening. And I'm glad it stopped as part of the process of dropping away of ego and identity.
It's no great accomplishment since ego and identity are still very much here, but it was important in shedding away many of the superficial egos and identities that form our being and karma.
Photos added in September 2019 after downloading them from Canon IXUS 860 IS earlier in the summer 2019 (direct from flash drive, camera battery had long since died):
(Or not. I've described this before and declared it not to be insomnia. I'm OK with that, too).
Nice days happening now that autumn has arrived. For some reason, instead of going to the gym or on a ride, I just decided to head out on my street bike and see where I took myself.
I ended up in a cemetery I had no idea existed in Xinyi district. I was looking for one of the trail heads for elephant hill. I found it, but also found that even though the weather is cooler, it was still too hot, considering I wasn't dressed for a hike, to go up trail.
When I returned to where I locked my bike, I looked around and noticed the cemetery on a hillside. I hadn't noticed it before because the foreground was dominated by a parking lot, and the gate to the cemetery was kinda hidden (to a foreigner) between the parking lot and the road leading to the psychiatric hospital.
It was a great late afternoon to wander around in an unkempt, very neglected cemetery. It was hot, but there was also some nice breezes. I've given up any identity as a "photographer" hobbyist a long time ago, but for the first time since then I "saw" things, and still toting a point and shoot in my rucksack, I took some shots.
I gave up shooting for a number of reasons. The two foremost being the advent of the misnomered "smart phone" (granted the phones are probably smarter than the majority of the users), which invited everyone to take pictures of fucking everything and posting them fucking everywhere. They've largely rendered my type of photography irrelevant. You have to be really, really good to capture photos that stand out.
The other reason being that I just stopped "seeing" shots. That's what photography was to me. It was about seeing, noticing, finding. Visually that stopped happening. And I'm glad it stopped as part of the process of dropping away of ego and identity.
It's no great accomplishment since ego and identity are still very much here, but it was important in shedding away many of the superficial egos and identities that form our being and karma.
Photos added in September 2019 after downloading them from Canon IXUS 860 IS earlier in the summer 2019 (direct from flash drive, camera battery had long since died):
 |
| 3:53 p.m. |
 |
| 3:56 p.m. - digital point and shoot black & white quality still leaves much to be desired. |
 |
| 4:02-4:07 p.m. |
 |
| 4:12 p.m. - I considered rotating this photo counter-clockwise, thinking it was askew due to my compositional problem resulting from apparently having one leg shorter than the other (as evidenced only in photos), but then realized the faint outline of Taipei 101 is the ultimate indicator of how askew a photo is. Admittedly, 101 isn't completely upright (and would require a clockwise rotation to correct), but I realized this was taken on an incline and the composition is just fine. |
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Ah, so the fourth day in a row of back-end insomnia produces results. Awesome. Or not. The fatigue and distraction creeps in. Things just not seeming or feeling right.
Come to think of it, I did crash big time last night, ending up in a 20 minute nap and then being fine. Felt the same way tonight, too. Nearly shutting down while sitting and then standing up to prevent that, feeling like nearly passing out.
But if a short nap is all it takes to recover, how bad can it be? Questions I'm not qualified to answer.
After last week's inability to get out on bike or to the gym despite nice weather, I've been much better this week and I've been getting to the gym. Cycling to resume shortly into October.
After nursing my right Achilles to strength to prevent injury (after injuring and healing my left Achilles), the left Achilles has started to cause problems again, preventing me from going faster and farther on the treadmill. So I've been going either fast and short, or longer and slower.
It's been a month since that slow-speed bike crash that injured my pinky and it still hurts. Since I'm pretty sure there was no bone fracture nor other serious muscular or tendon damage, I'm thinking the pain is being caused by something related to nerves.
I don't know what that means, except that maybe the nature of the injury displaced a nerve which is being impinged and registering as "pain", even though there's no detriment to strength in the pinky nor aversion to further stress. I can punch a punching bag just fine.
It's similar to a cervical radiculopathy that I was diagnosed with before when I was drumming a lot in San Francisco. A nerve impingement in my upper vertebrae that caused pain in arm movement, but didn't feel like something was damaged. All it did was hurt. That also may be returning with physical activity in the form of weight training. I'm feeling the exact same pain.
I think I may have even posted about it at the time! This blog has been going on so long, I don't even know, but it rings a bell.
Something I don't know if I mentioned before is that I did see a chiropractor in San Francisco for something else – and that I know I blogged about because it was for a spinal injury resulting from riding a bike around Lake Tahoe (70+ miles) on a rented bike that was too big for me. I remember that well. It nearly killed me (not really, but it was really, really hard).
What I don't know if I mentioned is that when that chiropractor got my x-rays back, she asked me if I had been dropped on my head when I was a child. I think I replied that wasn't the first time I'd been asked that question. At least that should have been my answer.
What she meant, she explained, was that my cervical vertebrae (upper back and neck) were worn to the equivalent of someone 15 years or more older than my age at the time. I don't know if I made the connection back then between Dr. Wonson's x-ray and later cervical radiculopathy diagnosis.
But I do feel something in my neck vertebrae now. They crack often when I stretch. It all makes sense. I might want to take things easier.
Come to think of it, I did crash big time last night, ending up in a 20 minute nap and then being fine. Felt the same way tonight, too. Nearly shutting down while sitting and then standing up to prevent that, feeling like nearly passing out.
But if a short nap is all it takes to recover, how bad can it be? Questions I'm not qualified to answer.
After last week's inability to get out on bike or to the gym despite nice weather, I've been much better this week and I've been getting to the gym. Cycling to resume shortly into October.
After nursing my right Achilles to strength to prevent injury (after injuring and healing my left Achilles), the left Achilles has started to cause problems again, preventing me from going faster and farther on the treadmill. So I've been going either fast and short, or longer and slower.
It's been a month since that slow-speed bike crash that injured my pinky and it still hurts. Since I'm pretty sure there was no bone fracture nor other serious muscular or tendon damage, I'm thinking the pain is being caused by something related to nerves.
I don't know what that means, except that maybe the nature of the injury displaced a nerve which is being impinged and registering as "pain", even though there's no detriment to strength in the pinky nor aversion to further stress. I can punch a punching bag just fine.
It's similar to a cervical radiculopathy that I was diagnosed with before when I was drumming a lot in San Francisco. A nerve impingement in my upper vertebrae that caused pain in arm movement, but didn't feel like something was damaged. All it did was hurt. That also may be returning with physical activity in the form of weight training. I'm feeling the exact same pain.
I think I may have even posted about it at the time! This blog has been going on so long, I don't even know, but it rings a bell.
Something I don't know if I mentioned before is that I did see a chiropractor in San Francisco for something else – and that I know I blogged about because it was for a spinal injury resulting from riding a bike around Lake Tahoe (70+ miles) on a rented bike that was too big for me. I remember that well. It nearly killed me (not really, but it was really, really hard).
What I don't know if I mentioned is that when that chiropractor got my x-rays back, she asked me if I had been dropped on my head when I was a child. I think I replied that wasn't the first time I'd been asked that question. At least that should have been my answer.
What she meant, she explained, was that my cervical vertebrae (upper back and neck) were worn to the equivalent of someone 15 years or more older than my age at the time. I don't know if I made the connection back then between Dr. Wonson's x-ray and later cervical radiculopathy diagnosis.
But I do feel something in my neck vertebrae now. They crack often when I stretch. It all makes sense. I might want to take things easier.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Three nights in a row of back-end insomnia. But prior to that, a good ten-day run of no insomnia. And the back-end insomnia hasn't been that bad. Rather than complete sleeplessness, it has been the constant waking from light sleeps and restarting CDs. Not too bad.
Autumn is here. The first night I get home and don't immediately turn on the air con, I'm marking as the start of autumn. During the summer months, not once do I arrive home and not turn on the air con, at least for 20 to 30 minutes to get my body temp down. And whenever I turn on the air con, I set the timer for it to turn off in an hour, although I usually turn it off before then. Max one hour at a time.
Yea, I got nothin'
Autumn is here. The first night I get home and don't immediately turn on the air con, I'm marking as the start of autumn. During the summer months, not once do I arrive home and not turn on the air con, at least for 20 to 30 minutes to get my body temp down. And whenever I turn on the air con, I set the timer for it to turn off in an hour, although I usually turn it off before then. Max one hour at a time.
Yea, I got nothin'
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
nature of my closest relationships, part 3
It took three days for her to realize I wasn't going to visit. Three days after her realization, I receive this.
Audrey:
September 23; 7:24 AM:
Good, see you soon
Speechless. It's not like it was an easy decision not to go, and it's not like my not going has no meaning. It's just further solidifying the complete break between us. Nothing negative or spiteful, just fact.
Audrey:
September 23; 7:24 AM:
Good, see you soon
Speechless. It's not like it was an easy decision not to go, and it's not like my not going has no meaning. It's just further solidifying the complete break between us. Nothing negative or spiteful, just fact.
the nature of my closest relations, part 2
Madoka:
August 28; 11:25 AM:
Hello Koji. Just wanted to say hello and thank you and I love you. love, madoka
Me:
August 28; 3:55 PM:
I love you, too!! I sometimes meditate on that love and it brings comfort in the storm of existence and thoughts. You're wonderful and often in my thoughts.
Her:
August 31; 6:34 PM:
Hi Koji, I just returned from 3 days at a zen temple and am now seeing your message. The temple was good. If that love brings some comfort, that makes me happy. You're wonderful and very special.
Me:
September 1; 2:50 AM:
I'm glad you had a good retreat. Reminds of the best times at Deer Park. Which then leads to why I left, but that's another story, nevermind, keep doing good!
Her:
September 1; 7:42 AM:
The temple I go to has a live-in dormitory for lay people. I've thought about moving there, but haven't due to a couple rules I'm not ready to follow. You have to commit to living there for 6 months (which would be ok), but you have to return every night by 9pm and cannot spend nights elsewhere. This would make it impossible for me to attend my meditation teacher's retreats and Friday night classes. So, I don't live there. But I really like the people there. I don't particularly enjoy the retreats, as my ankles and knees always start screaming after the 1st day, making thinking about my koans close to impossible, but even still, I feel something peeling away every time, so I go. Glad your pinky is doing better. love you, madoka
Me:
September 3; 1:56 AM:
I guess perhaps everywhere has its rules for their own reasons and you just have to make your own choices. Why are you experiencing pain when you're like a yoda master. I mean yoga master. Like a yoga yoda. If it's interfering, can't you just change to a simpler, non-painful position?
Her:
September 3; 6:55 AM:
Haven't quite got to the yoda level I actually don't do yoga asana that much. I hardly teach it anymore either. And I do change into a simpler position, but after the 2nd day, any cross legged position hurts. I think my hips, quads and ankles are tight...so, maybe I should do more asana. I actually started jogging on occasion because I need to lose weight. ha ha.
Me:
September 4; 2:54 AM:
Hm, that's not right. You mentioned pain before on retreat but I thought you were exercising hyperbole and humility(!). So even Burmese position is painful. Do they have and allow meditation stools in Japan? They're available in some U.S. meditation centers and take lode off of legs in cross-legged positions by raising center of gravity. In extreme cases, some places, including Deer Park, allow for sitting in chairs albeit not ideal. Otherwise, do you have a strategy in targeting and identifying the pain and dealing with the source? When my left Achilles tendon tore a week after joining a gym (on your birthday if I recall) and then the right one was proving to be weak, I enjoyed the challenge of figuring out a regimen of recovery and strengthening. After over 3 months, today I did my first 5K at an OK pace without a brace. So when you sit, in what position is it theoretically completely comfortable for the entire retreat? Also, when pain occurs, where is the pressure coming from and what alleviates it? Physical pain can be a distraction from mental focus, so this is pretty important. Don't just endure it. Also, have you identified a point when you realize physical therapy might be needed? Like my pinky still hurts, but it was an extreme bruise so I'm giving it a little leeway. But I am aware that if pain persists, I'll have to consider nerve damage, meaning having to figure out the whole annoying doctor thing. love always!
Her:
September 6; 3:14 PM:
Hi Koji, Thanks for the questions. If I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it, I can ask for a stool, but at this point, I think I would have to have an injury, since I've made it through without a stool for the past 5 years. They don't allow Burmese position at the temple I go to. I should probably do a more rigorous physical program to increase flexibility in my hips. One of my friends from zazen is a physical therapist...maybe I'll ask her for some suggestions too. It is kind of ironic for a yoga teacher to have this much trouble sitting...but I guess when it comes to the physical practice, I am on the negligent side. That is changing a bit though...recently the stagnation in my body and mind are clearing up a bit, and I'm moving more.
I don't think I know a position that would be theoretically comfortable for the whole retreat... I have to go now, but maybe I'll take a look at this a little more closely later. love, madoka
Me:
September 9; 1:54 AM:
Her:
September 12; 10:41 AM:
I can't say the pain is minimal to no mental distraction. It's quite a distraction. I don't know if it is because I am a wimp, or because it is actually that painful. But I do get distracted. The temple I go to is probably among the more strict for laypeople. The way I see it is, their rules are not so that we focus on form, but so that we let go of all the preconceived notions we have about wanting to do things our own way, or the way we think is better...and it allows for people to stop thinking about form when form is predetermined. But, if I need to relax my legs and loosen the position, I don't get hit with a stick. I haven't felt that they are being unreasonable. I don't know if my enduring the pain is high level...it's more like resignation? Every time I go to the temple, it gets a little bit easier. But just a bit. ha ha.
But, I agree, it wouldn't hurt to consult a physical therapist. It may be related to something mental/emotional too, but I haven't quite figured that out yet.
love, madoka
Me:
September 15; 12:55 AM:
Hm, so you're not at so high a level? That's a bit of a disappointment. Rare for you. But everyone should disappoint every once in a while. I'm workin' on it. (that's all totally a joke, mind you).
Haven't heard from her since, and I suppose that's the end of our communications as well, as my last message was not intended to have this much time pass for a response. If she hasn't responded yet, she doesn't intend to respond. And if it was a phone conversation, she hung up on me because she didn't wish to continue the conversation. If she does respond, it better be very well measured.
We're certainly not on the same page anymore. Her last message screamed "cult". One of the most strict for laypeople? Their rules are meant for people to let go of preconceived notions of doing things any other way but their own? Their way allows for not thinking about form when it's pre-determined . . . but replaces it with their own idea of form? She doesn't feel that they are being unreasonable. So not allowing for positions that would make sitting meditation easier and painless is reasonable.
August 28; 11:25 AM:
Hello Koji. Just wanted to say hello and thank you and I love you. love, madoka
Me:
August 28; 3:55 PM:
I love you, too!! I sometimes meditate on that love and it brings comfort in the storm of existence and thoughts. You're wonderful and often in my thoughts.
Her:
August 31; 6:34 PM:
Hi Koji, I just returned from 3 days at a zen temple and am now seeing your message. The temple was good. If that love brings some comfort, that makes me happy. You're wonderful and very special.
Me:
September 1; 2:50 AM:
I'm glad you had a good retreat. Reminds of the best times at Deer Park. Which then leads to why I left, but that's another story, nevermind, keep doing good!
Her:
September 1; 7:42 AM:
The temple I go to has a live-in dormitory for lay people. I've thought about moving there, but haven't due to a couple rules I'm not ready to follow. You have to commit to living there for 6 months (which would be ok), but you have to return every night by 9pm and cannot spend nights elsewhere. This would make it impossible for me to attend my meditation teacher's retreats and Friday night classes. So, I don't live there. But I really like the people there. I don't particularly enjoy the retreats, as my ankles and knees always start screaming after the 1st day, making thinking about my koans close to impossible, but even still, I feel something peeling away every time, so I go. Glad your pinky is doing better. love you, madoka
Me:
September 3; 1:56 AM:
I guess perhaps everywhere has its rules for their own reasons and you just have to make your own choices. Why are you experiencing pain when you're like a yoda master. I mean yoga master. Like a yoga yoda. If it's interfering, can't you just change to a simpler, non-painful position?
Her:
September 3; 6:55 AM:
Haven't quite got to the yoda level I actually don't do yoga asana that much. I hardly teach it anymore either. And I do change into a simpler position, but after the 2nd day, any cross legged position hurts. I think my hips, quads and ankles are tight...so, maybe I should do more asana. I actually started jogging on occasion because I need to lose weight. ha ha.
Me:
September 4; 2:54 AM:
Hm, that's not right. You mentioned pain before on retreat but I thought you were exercising hyperbole and humility(!). So even Burmese position is painful. Do they have and allow meditation stools in Japan? They're available in some U.S. meditation centers and take lode off of legs in cross-legged positions by raising center of gravity. In extreme cases, some places, including Deer Park, allow for sitting in chairs albeit not ideal. Otherwise, do you have a strategy in targeting and identifying the pain and dealing with the source? When my left Achilles tendon tore a week after joining a gym (on your birthday if I recall) and then the right one was proving to be weak, I enjoyed the challenge of figuring out a regimen of recovery and strengthening. After over 3 months, today I did my first 5K at an OK pace without a brace. So when you sit, in what position is it theoretically completely comfortable for the entire retreat? Also, when pain occurs, where is the pressure coming from and what alleviates it? Physical pain can be a distraction from mental focus, so this is pretty important. Don't just endure it. Also, have you identified a point when you realize physical therapy might be needed? Like my pinky still hurts, but it was an extreme bruise so I'm giving it a little leeway. But I am aware that if pain persists, I'll have to consider nerve damage, meaning having to figure out the whole annoying doctor thing. love always!
Her:
September 6; 3:14 PM:
Hi Koji, Thanks for the questions. If I am in so much pain that I cannot stand it, I can ask for a stool, but at this point, I think I would have to have an injury, since I've made it through without a stool for the past 5 years. They don't allow Burmese position at the temple I go to. I should probably do a more rigorous physical program to increase flexibility in my hips. One of my friends from zazen is a physical therapist...maybe I'll ask her for some suggestions too. It is kind of ironic for a yoga teacher to have this much trouble sitting...but I guess when it comes to the physical practice, I am on the negligent side. That is changing a bit though...recently the stagnation in my body and mind are clearing up a bit, and I'm moving more.
I don't think I know a position that would be theoretically comfortable for the whole retreat... I have to go now, but maybe I'll take a look at this a little more closely later. love, madoka
Me:
September 9; 1:54 AM:
OK,
I see. So the pain for the past five years hasn't been so bad. Minimal
to no mental distraction, able to keep reasonable meditative focus (not
that I know what that is). Pain? What pain?
I'm perplexed by a lot of what you said, but I trust your approach to your experience and am hesitant to question it.
I'm not as tough as you. Whatever pain I feel I try to identify it and strategize how to deal with it (without involving doctors, of course). I'm also not as humble as you, a lot more arrogant and self-cherishing. Like I would have nothing to do with a monastery that discriminated against sitting positions or would only allow for stools if an injury were involved. That's too much emphasis on form and a lack of compassion and loving-kindness for my tastes (my interpretation). Your enduring the pain may indicate non-attachment to it? Very high level?
But maybe it wouldn't hurt to consult the physical therapist and be proactive about dealing with the pain. Mind and body connection. The physical pain energy may be connected to or sympathetic with some mental energy. Listen to yourself. love you
I'm perplexed by a lot of what you said, but I trust your approach to your experience and am hesitant to question it.
I'm not as tough as you. Whatever pain I feel I try to identify it and strategize how to deal with it (without involving doctors, of course). I'm also not as humble as you, a lot more arrogant and self-cherishing. Like I would have nothing to do with a monastery that discriminated against sitting positions or would only allow for stools if an injury were involved. That's too much emphasis on form and a lack of compassion and loving-kindness for my tastes (my interpretation). Your enduring the pain may indicate non-attachment to it? Very high level?
But maybe it wouldn't hurt to consult the physical therapist and be proactive about dealing with the pain. Mind and body connection. The physical pain energy may be connected to or sympathetic with some mental energy. Listen to yourself. love you
Her:
September 12; 10:41 AM:
I can't say the pain is minimal to no mental distraction. It's quite a distraction. I don't know if it is because I am a wimp, or because it is actually that painful. But I do get distracted. The temple I go to is probably among the more strict for laypeople. The way I see it is, their rules are not so that we focus on form, but so that we let go of all the preconceived notions we have about wanting to do things our own way, or the way we think is better...and it allows for people to stop thinking about form when form is predetermined. But, if I need to relax my legs and loosen the position, I don't get hit with a stick. I haven't felt that they are being unreasonable. I don't know if my enduring the pain is high level...it's more like resignation? Every time I go to the temple, it gets a little bit easier. But just a bit. ha ha.
But, I agree, it wouldn't hurt to consult a physical therapist. It may be related to something mental/emotional too, but I haven't quite figured that out yet.
love, madoka
Me:
September 15; 12:55 AM:
Hm, so you're not at so high a level? That's a bit of a disappointment. Rare for you. But everyone should disappoint every once in a while. I'm workin' on it. (that's all totally a joke, mind you).
Truth to
tell I'm at a loss for words at your description of the temple and
rules. Yea, I'm not even going to go there. Not my business. Except to
say, for myself, that I'm fairly confident that my own way that I think
is better for me, preconceived or ego-driven or not, is decidedly better
than whatever their way is (even if their way was to immediately
transport me to enlightenment). Go fig (also may be why I'm not a monk
nor have a master). But if their way agrees with your way, I have no
comment or criticism. (this is all totally not a joke, just to be
clear).
To the main subject matter, pain is subjective; not about being a wimp. I don't know if this is anything, if it's nothing just throw it away, but after what you said about the pain and that it is a distraction, what I would theoretically suggest to someone is to stop being distracted by the pain and make it the focus of meditation (already I think that's going wrong with you since you're supposed to be focusing on your koan). But I would tell a theoretical person to make friends with the pain, concentrate on it, treat it with loving-kindness, get comfortable with it, offer it tea. You're supposed to be focusing on your koan, but you can't because the pain is calling your attention, so say, 'ok, you want my attention, I'm going to give you attention and sit here with you and figure out why you're here when you're not supposed to be'. Get to know it, all the nuances and angles of how the pain feels as a sensation; even displace the pain and imagine what it would feel like in other parts of your body. Important, though, is to not associate it as "bad". Don't attach to it or be averse to it as something bad. Just focus on the pain as a sensation without judgment. All the while consulting the physical therapist and dealing with the source rather than just enduring it.
The temple may say that I'm full of shit. So be it. I am a little constipated.
much love, koji
To the main subject matter, pain is subjective; not about being a wimp. I don't know if this is anything, if it's nothing just throw it away, but after what you said about the pain and that it is a distraction, what I would theoretically suggest to someone is to stop being distracted by the pain and make it the focus of meditation (already I think that's going wrong with you since you're supposed to be focusing on your koan). But I would tell a theoretical person to make friends with the pain, concentrate on it, treat it with loving-kindness, get comfortable with it, offer it tea. You're supposed to be focusing on your koan, but you can't because the pain is calling your attention, so say, 'ok, you want my attention, I'm going to give you attention and sit here with you and figure out why you're here when you're not supposed to be'. Get to know it, all the nuances and angles of how the pain feels as a sensation; even displace the pain and imagine what it would feel like in other parts of your body. Important, though, is to not associate it as "bad". Don't attach to it or be averse to it as something bad. Just focus on the pain as a sensation without judgment. All the while consulting the physical therapist and dealing with the source rather than just enduring it.
The temple may say that I'm full of shit. So be it. I am a little constipated.
much love, koji
We're certainly not on the same page anymore. Her last message screamed "cult". One of the most strict for laypeople? Their rules are meant for people to let go of preconceived notions of doing things any other way but their own? Their way allows for not thinking about form when it's pre-determined . . . but replaces it with their own idea of form? She doesn't feel that they are being unreasonable. So not allowing for positions that would make sitting meditation easier and painless is reasonable.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
the nature of my closest relations, part 1
My most recent email exchange with my cousin:
Me:
September 16; 11:15 PM (after my uncle called to tell me he's going to visit Audrey and asking whether I want to go. As I mentioned, I hadn't heard from Audrey since July, so I was just putting a feeler out)
I told myself if I heard back from her before I turned off my computer, then I'd go. It's my strategy to make decisions based on whatever else happens in the world.
Her:
September 17; 2:18 AM (before I turned off my computer):
hi dear, I told him that he can invite you to join his visit. He plan to come on Sept 25, and stay until Oct 5th or 6th then flying to NJ to see your parent and our uncle. Then he will come back to Taiwan around Oct 17th.
Are you interesting in coming? You can stay as long as you want. Too bad, you should be here earlier to help settle down the house, moving the furniture for me. Yesterday, I have to call up a friend for help 7 o’clock at night moving a heaving table to my house.. I feel so bad to bother them.
Audrey
Me:
September 17; 2:32 AM:
Ah OK, your father will probably call me first thing in the morning and I guess I'll tell him I'll go. I won't go to N.J with him, but I'll figure out my travel plans with him when he calls. Sorry I couldn't help you with furniture. Where's Eric (the cheating husband)? Useless, once again!
Me:
September 17; 12:46 PM (after her father called and I told him I wasn't going):
bah, I couldn't do it. when I woke up I realized I couldn't decide whether to go or not and I was going back and forth all morning. When your dad finally called, though, I realized I wouldn't go. Sorry. I hope to at some point, though.
Me:
September 19; 2:06 AM (after getting no response after telling her I wasn't going):
But after waking up the next morning, before your father called, I felt strongly undecided, even though every logical reason told me I should go, it'd be great, it'd be better for me. Your father called later than I expected and while I was waiting, I was completely undecided, and even when my phone rang, I didn't know what I'd say. But after I answered and I had to say something, it just came out that I wouldn't go. And I was relieved.
And surprised. But I won't bore you with the
reasons I came up with later why I decided not to go. Just that there's
no connection. It was the feeling. It didn't make sense, it's not my
reality. There's no solid foundation for going. Looking at the
continuity of my reality, it didn't make sense. It would have been
pretending my day-to-day reality is something other than what it is.
Going would have meant I'm involved in some way. And the reality is that
I'm not.
If you're disappointed, I'm sorry, but I hope you didn't really give a crap whether I went or not and either way is fine.
love
Her:
September 19; 10:14 PM:
My father is going to make the reservation for his travel plan, i asked him to book the ticket with you under the name Koji Li. Is that correct?
Me:
September 20; 12:34 AM:
Did you get my last email? Did you even read it? The irony is so thick!
Her:
September 20; 1:09 AM:
yes, i did get the your mail. But it seems like you haven’t spoke to him yet. he doesn’t seem know any of your plan
At this point, I restrained myself from acknowledging her getting my email, but then telling her to go read it! and waited for her to figure it out. Didn't have to wait long, she's in no way stupid.
Her:
September 20; 1:12 AM:
hi, sorry. i re-read all the email that you send and I finally find one that I miss. So you do decide that you will not come. I will call my dad and tell him about it.
Good decision not to go. It's none of my business. All family dynamics are none of my business. As far as I'm concerned, all is cut with Audrey. Even when she says she re-read all my emails, I don't know if she was responding to the initial, brief email saying I wasn't going, or the follow-up that was worried that she wasn't cool with it. I don't know, and it's none of my business.
As for my uncle, I've long held the tenet never to travel with him. Too often I haven't followed that. But this is a perfect example for the tenet. I told him I wasn't going, yet Audrey later reports he doesn't know what my plan is. That's the way he rolls. That's why never travel with him. He's a great guy, but lives in an alternate reality.
Me:
September 16; 11:15 PM (after my uncle called to tell me he's going to visit Audrey and asking whether I want to go. As I mentioned, I hadn't heard from Audrey since July, so I was just putting a feeler out)
Hey Audrey,
I guess you know your dad is going to visit
you. I think he's waiting for me to decide whether I'm going with him to
buy his ticket. Do you know how long he's planning to be there and if
he's returning to Taiwan afterwards?I told myself if I heard back from her before I turned off my computer, then I'd go. It's my strategy to make decisions based on whatever else happens in the world.
Her:
September 17; 2:18 AM (before I turned off my computer):
hi dear, I told him that he can invite you to join his visit. He plan to come on Sept 25, and stay until Oct 5th or 6th then flying to NJ to see your parent and our uncle. Then he will come back to Taiwan around Oct 17th.
Are you interesting in coming? You can stay as long as you want. Too bad, you should be here earlier to help settle down the house, moving the furniture for me. Yesterday, I have to call up a friend for help 7 o’clock at night moving a heaving table to my house.. I feel so bad to bother them.
Audrey
Me:
September 17; 2:32 AM:
Ah OK, your father will probably call me first thing in the morning and I guess I'll tell him I'll go. I won't go to N.J with him, but I'll figure out my travel plans with him when he calls. Sorry I couldn't help you with furniture. Where's Eric (the cheating husband)? Useless, once again!
Me:
September 17; 12:46 PM (after her father called and I told him I wasn't going):
bah, I couldn't do it. when I woke up I realized I couldn't decide whether to go or not and I was going back and forth all morning. When your dad finally called, though, I realized I wouldn't go. Sorry. I hope to at some point, though.
Me:
September 19; 2:06 AM (after getting no response after telling her I wasn't going):
Hey Audrey,
I hope you're OK that I'm not going
to visit. I told myself if you responded to my email before your father
called, I'd. go. And you did, so I said I'd go. But after waking up the next morning, before your father called, I felt strongly undecided, even though every logical reason told me I should go, it'd be great, it'd be better for me. Your father called later than I expected and while I was waiting, I was completely undecided, and even when my phone rang, I didn't know what I'd say. But after I answered and I had to say something, it just came out that I wouldn't go. And I was relieved.
love
Her:
September 19; 10:14 PM:
My father is going to make the reservation for his travel plan, i asked him to book the ticket with you under the name Koji Li. Is that correct?
He is taking Japan airline departing from Kaohsiung,
transfer in Tokyo and arrive in LA. Then take the connecting flight to
Phenix. He plans to leave on Sept 25th. I let him book your return flight on Oct 25th. But you can always change the time for going back to Taiwan.
Please call my dad.Me:
September 20; 12:34 AM:
Did you get my last email? Did you even read it? The irony is so thick!
Her:
September 20; 1:09 AM:
yes, i did get the your mail. But it seems like you haven’t spoke to him yet. he doesn’t seem know any of your plan
Audrey
At this point, I restrained myself from acknowledging her getting my email, but then telling her to go read it! and waited for her to figure it out. Didn't have to wait long, she's in no way stupid.
Her:
September 20; 1:12 AM:
hi, sorry. i re-read all the email that you send and I finally find one that I miss. So you do decide that you will not come. I will call my dad and tell him about it.
Sorry for the mis communication.
Audrey
Good decision not to go. It's none of my business. All family dynamics are none of my business. As far as I'm concerned, all is cut with Audrey. Even when she says she re-read all my emails, I don't know if she was responding to the initial, brief email saying I wasn't going, or the follow-up that was worried that she wasn't cool with it. I don't know, and it's none of my business.
As for my uncle, I've long held the tenet never to travel with him. Too often I haven't followed that. But this is a perfect example for the tenet. I told him I wasn't going, yet Audrey later reports he doesn't know what my plan is. That's the way he rolls. That's why never travel with him. He's a great guy, but lives in an alternate reality.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
I haven't been able to get on my bike, despite several rather nice, sunny days. I haven't been able to get myself to the gym, despite nothing stopping me. And today I turned down an opportunity to go with my uncle to the U.S. to visit my cousin Audrey.
(I'm asking a lot how did Robin Williams know it was time? And is it time for another attempt for me?)
A trip in which I wouldn't have to put any effort or thought in planning, just go along with my uncle. A trip to the U.S., where I haven't been in over three years. A trip to the U.S. where I didn't have to deal with my parents. A trip to the U.S., whose food I've only been able to dream about for over three years.
I hadn't seen or heard from Audrey since we met up in July during her two-month visit to Taiwan. We only met that one time. We had discussed the possibility of her father visiting her and my tagging along with him.
But it was radio silence until my uncle called yesterday telling me he was going to visit Audrey next week and whether I was going with him. I told him I needed to think about it, but would make a quick decision. I sent an email to Audrey last night to get a feel for things, and I decided if she responded before I shut down my computer, I would definitely go.
She did respond, and I said I'd tell her father I'd go when he called first thing the next morning. But when I woke up, I was totally conflicted about it. I kept going back and forth and the case for both were solid. He didn't call first thing, but several hours after I was up. I didn't know what I was going to say when I picked up the phone, but after I answered, it eventually came out of my mouth that I wasn't going. Depression wins?
I don't know if depression is at work here. I don't feel it, but the evidence is plain to see. If Audrey doesn't accept my not going and tells me to go, I'll call my uncle and see if a seat can still be booked for me.
(I'm asking a lot how did Robin Williams know it was time? And is it time for another attempt for me?)
A trip in which I wouldn't have to put any effort or thought in planning, just go along with my uncle. A trip to the U.S., where I haven't been in over three years. A trip to the U.S. where I didn't have to deal with my parents. A trip to the U.S., whose food I've only been able to dream about for over three years.
I hadn't seen or heard from Audrey since we met up in July during her two-month visit to Taiwan. We only met that one time. We had discussed the possibility of her father visiting her and my tagging along with him.
But it was radio silence until my uncle called yesterday telling me he was going to visit Audrey next week and whether I was going with him. I told him I needed to think about it, but would make a quick decision. I sent an email to Audrey last night to get a feel for things, and I decided if she responded before I shut down my computer, I would definitely go.
She did respond, and I said I'd tell her father I'd go when he called first thing the next morning. But when I woke up, I was totally conflicted about it. I kept going back and forth and the case for both were solid. He didn't call first thing, but several hours after I was up. I didn't know what I was going to say when I picked up the phone, but after I answered, it eventually came out of my mouth that I wasn't going. Depression wins?
I don't know if depression is at work here. I don't feel it, but the evidence is plain to see. If Audrey doesn't accept my not going and tells me to go, I'll call my uncle and see if a seat can still be booked for me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
EunB had expressed her dream for Ladies' Code to have a number one song. After she died, fans went on a campaign to buy a b-side track from the 'Pretty Pretty' single released last year, entitled "I'm Fine, Thank You" to try to push it to number one. They succeeded, and it hit number one on a number of South Korean charts.
In response, the group's agency compiled footage of the group, focusing on EunB and RiSe, and released a video for the song:
In response, the group's agency compiled footage of the group, focusing on EunB and RiSe, and released a video for the song:
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Another morning of back-end insomnia. I set the timer on my electric fan to turn off after three hours. When I awoke, the fan was still on and I wondered why, and then it dawned on me that three hours hadn't passed. I looked at the clock and estimated that it was just about to shut off and it did within five minutes.
I hardly even tried to get back to sleep. I listened to one of my mix CDs then got to sitting.
I've begun a recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, focusing on RiSe and EunB.
I used to, as part of practice, loop read the Tibetan Book of the Dead cycle. I don't know how many times I've read the thing trying to make sense of it in light of my scientific faith, which allows for quasi-logical spirituality (or quasi-spiritual logic) that hard science can't touch.
The last time I tried to do a recitation with a specific focus was in April after the Sewol ferry disaster in South Korea. It was less than a week through when I got a very bad feeling about it, purely intuitive. I felt that what I was doing could spiritually be doing more harm than good and I stopped. Maybe it was that I had no idea about the energies I was dealing with on such a massive scale.
On the first day for RiSe and EunB, just as I started there was a roar of thunder and rain started pouring down at a time of day that was totally unusual for recent weather patterns. I took that as a good sign.
I don't think I'm seriously reciting the book for them, I remind myself the recitation is for myself. If there is any efficacy in helping them, it's beyond my knowledge, figuring or belief. It is solely within my hope.
It's been a long time since I've written anything about the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and anything I've written before may be outdated by my constantly evolving thoughts on it. Or it may remain valid if it was at all valid in the first place, who knows?
The basic framework of the book, specifically the Natural Liberation Through Hearing chapter, is that after death, the mind separates from the body. The body is dead, and what is released is the unenlightened karmic energy "habits" of the deceased. The habits are primarily the ego, the sense of "I" and identity of who we were in the form of a naturally existing cosmic energy, something that pervades the universe.
This basic energy is what carries a being to their next re-birth as a cycle of nature. More specific in the energy is imprinted the strongest psychological baggage from previous lives. My favorite example to explain it is fear of spiders.
My theory being that my fear of spiders is from past lives of being bugs getting caught in spiders' webs and being eaten. Imagine yourself as a bug and getting caught in a web, and then imagine a spider relative to your size (the thing can be eight feet in size) coming at you to wrap you up in its web and sucking the life out of you
Bugs don't have the emotions that humans do, they don't have the analytical capability that we do. But when they're flailing in the web with that huge spider coming at them, there is something in their reaction. It's still energy, and that energy is karma that carries over. It's what we call terrifying and is strongly imprinted.
Lifetime after lifetime of evolution until reaching the level of acquiring a human body, that imprint is still there for the experiencing and analyzing. My brother hates cockroaches; so maybe he was a cockroach in previous lives and the imprint was something unpleasant. I think cockroaches are disgusting, but I don't react to them as viscerally as he does. On the other hand, I have an affection for cats, possibly indicating lifetimes as cats that were pleasant.
Getting back on track to what I was talking about, the physical body dies and the mind-energy is separated and released from it and enters a state of being the Tibetan Book of the Dead refers to as the intermediate states, the bardos.
The description of the experience in the bardos is like being in a storm, but without solid reality and an identifiable ego body, it's extremely disorienting and confusing. My recitation is a calling out to the energies of RiSe and EunB, but it's a call into a hurricane an ocean away.
Theoretically, having no exposure to this sort of practice or spirituality and being nominally Christian in this life, there's only a small chance that my call would reach them. Rather they would be buffeted by their previous habitual tendencies, experience and attachments and aversions within the storm of the bardos.
The hope is that my small voice does attract their attention. Tibetans describe the disembodied energy body of those deceased as experiencing a highly clarified reality. If my voice can cut through the storm, with no barriers of form or language, it's possible to hook them and bring them to my recitation. And if they can be just slightly touched by teachings of compassion, it might do worlds of good for them. That's the hope.
It's not an affront to whatever closely-held Christian beliefs they may have had. Personally, I think the Tibetan version as metaphorical, describing archetypes. There is the Buddhistic language and imagery, but they are just archetypes.
My metaphor is of a multicultural, multilingual nation living in a land bordered by a mountain range. No one thinks of crossing the range to see what's on the other side. But then one person decides to try and accomplishes it and sends back directions on how to cross the mountain range. But only people who understand that language can follow the directions. Anyone who speaks another language can't.
So it may have been that the "psychonauts" (a Robert Thurman term) of Tibetan spirituality investigated the death process and through reincarnations subsequently described the process. But the process is in Tibetan Buddhistic terms. It doesn't mean the experience is just for Tibetan Buddhists. It's just described in subjective terms. It's unclear what Padmasambhava, credited for authoring the Tibetan Book of the Dead, knew about other spiritual paradigms.
So so far I'm comfortable doing this recitation for RiSe and EunB. Through my days I try to remain positive and in times that I think of their deaths and that they're gone and start to feel sad, I try to transform the feeling into joy. Just something positive for them, that their memory doesn't lead to sadness but to joy. Joy that they existed and chased their dream and brought joy and entertainment to their fans and their industry.
I hardly even tried to get back to sleep. I listened to one of my mix CDs then got to sitting.
I've begun a recitation of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, focusing on RiSe and EunB.
I used to, as part of practice, loop read the Tibetan Book of the Dead cycle. I don't know how many times I've read the thing trying to make sense of it in light of my scientific faith, which allows for quasi-logical spirituality (or quasi-spiritual logic) that hard science can't touch.
The last time I tried to do a recitation with a specific focus was in April after the Sewol ferry disaster in South Korea. It was less than a week through when I got a very bad feeling about it, purely intuitive. I felt that what I was doing could spiritually be doing more harm than good and I stopped. Maybe it was that I had no idea about the energies I was dealing with on such a massive scale.
On the first day for RiSe and EunB, just as I started there was a roar of thunder and rain started pouring down at a time of day that was totally unusual for recent weather patterns. I took that as a good sign.
I don't think I'm seriously reciting the book for them, I remind myself the recitation is for myself. If there is any efficacy in helping them, it's beyond my knowledge, figuring or belief. It is solely within my hope.
It's been a long time since I've written anything about the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and anything I've written before may be outdated by my constantly evolving thoughts on it. Or it may remain valid if it was at all valid in the first place, who knows?
The basic framework of the book, specifically the Natural Liberation Through Hearing chapter, is that after death, the mind separates from the body. The body is dead, and what is released is the unenlightened karmic energy "habits" of the deceased. The habits are primarily the ego, the sense of "I" and identity of who we were in the form of a naturally existing cosmic energy, something that pervades the universe.
This basic energy is what carries a being to their next re-birth as a cycle of nature. More specific in the energy is imprinted the strongest psychological baggage from previous lives. My favorite example to explain it is fear of spiders.
My theory being that my fear of spiders is from past lives of being bugs getting caught in spiders' webs and being eaten. Imagine yourself as a bug and getting caught in a web, and then imagine a spider relative to your size (the thing can be eight feet in size) coming at you to wrap you up in its web and sucking the life out of you
Bugs don't have the emotions that humans do, they don't have the analytical capability that we do. But when they're flailing in the web with that huge spider coming at them, there is something in their reaction. It's still energy, and that energy is karma that carries over. It's what we call terrifying and is strongly imprinted.
Lifetime after lifetime of evolution until reaching the level of acquiring a human body, that imprint is still there for the experiencing and analyzing. My brother hates cockroaches; so maybe he was a cockroach in previous lives and the imprint was something unpleasant. I think cockroaches are disgusting, but I don't react to them as viscerally as he does. On the other hand, I have an affection for cats, possibly indicating lifetimes as cats that were pleasant.
Getting back on track to what I was talking about, the physical body dies and the mind-energy is separated and released from it and enters a state of being the Tibetan Book of the Dead refers to as the intermediate states, the bardos.
The description of the experience in the bardos is like being in a storm, but without solid reality and an identifiable ego body, it's extremely disorienting and confusing. My recitation is a calling out to the energies of RiSe and EunB, but it's a call into a hurricane an ocean away.
Theoretically, having no exposure to this sort of practice or spirituality and being nominally Christian in this life, there's only a small chance that my call would reach them. Rather they would be buffeted by their previous habitual tendencies, experience and attachments and aversions within the storm of the bardos.
The hope is that my small voice does attract their attention. Tibetans describe the disembodied energy body of those deceased as experiencing a highly clarified reality. If my voice can cut through the storm, with no barriers of form or language, it's possible to hook them and bring them to my recitation. And if they can be just slightly touched by teachings of compassion, it might do worlds of good for them. That's the hope.
It's not an affront to whatever closely-held Christian beliefs they may have had. Personally, I think the Tibetan version as metaphorical, describing archetypes. There is the Buddhistic language and imagery, but they are just archetypes.
My metaphor is of a multicultural, multilingual nation living in a land bordered by a mountain range. No one thinks of crossing the range to see what's on the other side. But then one person decides to try and accomplishes it and sends back directions on how to cross the mountain range. But only people who understand that language can follow the directions. Anyone who speaks another language can't.
So it may have been that the "psychonauts" (a Robert Thurman term) of Tibetan spirituality investigated the death process and through reincarnations subsequently described the process. But the process is in Tibetan Buddhistic terms. It doesn't mean the experience is just for Tibetan Buddhists. It's just described in subjective terms. It's unclear what Padmasambhava, credited for authoring the Tibetan Book of the Dead, knew about other spiritual paradigms.
So so far I'm comfortable doing this recitation for RiSe and EunB. Through my days I try to remain positive and in times that I think of their deaths and that they're gone and start to feel sad, I try to transform the feeling into joy. Just something positive for them, that their memory doesn't lead to sadness but to joy. Joy that they existed and chased their dream and brought joy and entertainment to their fans and their industry.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Things had been going so well sleep-wise that I was surprised that it was just last Thursday, less than a week ago that I reported insomnia in a string of bad nights. But there's no reason to be surprised, it's just part of optimism that goes with a string of good nights.
Back-end insomnia was a surprise last night/this morning since I was so exhausted last night that I was ready to pass out while shutting down early to get into bed. Again, my kind of chronic insomnia has no logic or pattern.
I mentioned depression a while ago and how bringing up how well I deal with it was kind of a Pandora's box that led to a resurgence of it. That totally faded on its own back to status quo. So I stand by long-term mindfulness practice being effective for depression.
The downside is that it is a long process. There's a lot of getting through, even surviving, a lot before getting to the point where one can realize depression is no longer the demon it once was. When even in a period of resurgence, the mindfulness habit of observation combined with wisdom and compassion wins out. The resurgence is just a feeling, the observation that the feeling is temporary and conditional is fact.
However, depression, even if just a brief resurgence, is a direct line to suicide, which had at the time put into motion thoughts of a next attempt. The feeling is gone, but the idea of a next attempt is something I'm seriously thinking about.
The whole Robin Williams thing created the faux question of 'how did he know it was time?'. How do I know it's time for another attempt? I don't. I'm still processing it. I'm due to go to New Jersey for a couple weeks at the the end of November into December, a trip to which I'm not looking forward.
I would love it if I committed suicide to avoid going. The planned trip certainly isn't going to stop me if the fancy arises. But I don't have any solid plans, so I'll probably go along with the trip. It's still just theoretical.
Back-end insomnia was a surprise last night/this morning since I was so exhausted last night that I was ready to pass out while shutting down early to get into bed. Again, my kind of chronic insomnia has no logic or pattern.
I mentioned depression a while ago and how bringing up how well I deal with it was kind of a Pandora's box that led to a resurgence of it. That totally faded on its own back to status quo. So I stand by long-term mindfulness practice being effective for depression.
The downside is that it is a long process. There's a lot of getting through, even surviving, a lot before getting to the point where one can realize depression is no longer the demon it once was. When even in a period of resurgence, the mindfulness habit of observation combined with wisdom and compassion wins out. The resurgence is just a feeling, the observation that the feeling is temporary and conditional is fact.
However, depression, even if just a brief resurgence, is a direct line to suicide, which had at the time put into motion thoughts of a next attempt. The feeling is gone, but the idea of a next attempt is something I'm seriously thinking about.
The whole Robin Williams thing created the faux question of 'how did he know it was time?'. How do I know it's time for another attempt? I don't. I'm still processing it. I'm due to go to New Jersey for a couple weeks at the the end of November into December, a trip to which I'm not looking forward.
I would love it if I committed suicide to avoid going. The planned trip certainly isn't going to stop me if the fancy arises. But I don't have any solid plans, so I'll probably go along with the trip. It's still just theoretical.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
RiSe of Ladies' Code has also died. I noted after EunB died that there was no indication of optimism that RiSe would make it. There were reports of a marathon surgery for a head injury that had to be abandoned because of dangerously low blood pressure (emphasis: not because the surgery was completed). There were also reports that she stopped breathing three times during the surgery. None of that looked good. Even if she did survive, there may have been the possibility of brain damage. They were working on a head trauma that was obviously very, very serious.
In a way, her death is less of a shock than EunB's was, though just as tragic. I usually go to K-pop news/rumor websites late at night, but I've been checking them whenever online these past few days, awaiting news. I was half expecting this.
It was a tragic accident. It just happens. We live, so we must die, and we don't know when, we don't know how. You compound the possibilities, the ifs, and try to work out ways that the accident doesn't happen. Then I think what if it happened to a group I wasn't so into. Not so much of an impact. That's certainly a lack of equanimity.
Most outlets are embedding the promotional videos for their songs. I prefer to choose performances I've noted enough to favorite. My homage to Ladies' Code:
Debut track "Bad Girl", spring 2013:
As I mentioned, this rookie performance caught my attention and made me a fan in just a couple weeks of promotion. It's the song that hooks me. I usually don't pay attention to performances of groups I don't know, but I have the audio in the background while I do something else. This song caused me to look up and pay attention. Truth to tell, I didn't note EunB during these performances (shoulder-length orange hair). Sojung, with her clarion voice, was the focus, as well as RiSe with her couples dance that I thought was impressive while singing.
"Pretty Pretty (Yeppo Yeppo)", autumn 2013: Also displaying Sojung's strong vocals from the start, this track made me notice EunB and wonder why I didn't notice her before. RiSe and Zuny split the self-referential first verse (the lyrics were specifically written for them with RiSe calling herself by name and Zuny referring to herself as the "maknae" of the group, the youngest member, which is apparently important in Korean culture), but EunB has the whole second verse for herself.
"So Wonderful", winter 2014:
Actually, I don't have a "favorite" performance of this. They're all good. Or rather the choreography is such that it didn't matter what the cameras were doing, key choreography was almost always caught. NB: Between the end of the first chorus and the start of the second verse is a two beat silent rest that the fan chant can be heard with "Yeppo Yeppo" from their previous release.
Their final performance, "Kiss Kiss", hours before the accident. They were driving back to Seoul from this performance:
Friday, September 05, 2014
Total insomnia last night; never settled into a sleep, fading in and out, and then gave up. Then I went for a 37 mile bikeway ride, same ride as Tuesday's. Eventually riding might be affected, but not at this point. I started fading in the evening but completed the ride just fine.
So this week I had two bouts of back-end insomnia, a full night sleep that hardly made up, and then a night of total insomnia. I'm planning on riding tomorrow, too, if the weather holds.
EunB is still making me sad. A news outlet released footage of the end of her funeral. Only Ashley and Zuny were well enough to attend, but even escaping with "minor injuries", Zuny is seen in a neck brace and a broken hand.
RiSe is still unconscious after her brain surgery. Sojung had surgery on fractures to her face and reports say that she still hasn't been told about EunB for psychological reasons, which seems reasonable.
I'm glad this footage was released. Some might think it sensational and invasive of private moments, but I think it helps fans grieve with Ashley and Zuny.
It's sad, but it's still important to remember that they were rising stars with a hardcore fanbase established. They were entertainers and they were doing their best to entertain with fun, catchy songs and choreography. As sad as it is to know EunB is gone, I hope her performances won't go forgotten or unrecognized.
So this week I had two bouts of back-end insomnia, a full night sleep that hardly made up, and then a night of total insomnia. I'm planning on riding tomorrow, too, if the weather holds.
EunB is still making me sad. A news outlet released footage of the end of her funeral. Only Ashley and Zuny were well enough to attend, but even escaping with "minor injuries", Zuny is seen in a neck brace and a broken hand.
RiSe is still unconscious after her brain surgery. Sojung had surgery on fractures to her face and reports say that she still hasn't been told about EunB for psychological reasons, which seems reasonable.
I'm glad this footage was released. Some might think it sensational and invasive of private moments, but I think it helps fans grieve with Ashley and Zuny.
It's sad, but it's still important to remember that they were rising stars with a hardcore fanbase established. They were entertainers and they were doing their best to entertain with fun, catchy songs and choreography. As sad as it is to know EunB is gone, I hope her performances won't go forgotten or unrecognized.
Thursday, September 04, 2014
Heartbreaking. Such heartbreaking news about Ladies' Code. EunB dead.
I pay attention to rookie K-pop girl groups without much expectation. Often I'll dismiss them and wait to see what they bring next or until they get interesting. Sometimes I'll not be impressed but make a mental note to keep an eye out for them.
Then occasionally a group will hook me with their debut stage, and when that happens they almost always become "one of my favorite K-pop girl groups" (albeit I have like 20 of those). Ladies' Code was one of those.
When I kept a blog on the Korean TV show "Running Man", Ladies' Code member RiSe appeared on it as a practically unknown shortly after their debut, and in my personal comments on the episode I very subjectively recommended them to girl group fans and to check them out.
Sweet, pretty EunB. Loved her. Very sad and tragic. But because we live, we must die. RiSe was also injured badly in the accident and there hasn't been any definitive statement that she'll make it. She doesn't know about EunB yet. Sojung was also injured but is expected to survive. Heavy heart for them. I can't imagine them wanting to continue after losing EunB like this.
I pay attention to rookie K-pop girl groups without much expectation. Often I'll dismiss them and wait to see what they bring next or until they get interesting. Sometimes I'll not be impressed but make a mental note to keep an eye out for them.
Then occasionally a group will hook me with their debut stage, and when that happens they almost always become "one of my favorite K-pop girl groups" (albeit I have like 20 of those). Ladies' Code was one of those.
When I kept a blog on the Korean TV show "Running Man", Ladies' Code member RiSe appeared on it as a practically unknown shortly after their debut, and in my personal comments on the episode I very subjectively recommended them to girl group fans and to check them out.
Sweet, pretty EunB. Loved her. Very sad and tragic. But because we live, we must die. RiSe was also injured badly in the accident and there hasn't been any definitive statement that she'll make it. She doesn't know about EunB yet. Sojung was also injured but is expected to survive. Heavy heart for them. I can't imagine them wanting to continue after losing EunB like this.
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
Two nights in a row of back-end insomnia. So those one-offs were random just as everything about my insomnia is. I even rode 37 miles yesterday after the first night. But I've already established that exercise doesn't affect insomnia. I'm planning on heading to the gym today, first time in a week, keep it easy.
The effects of insomnia are also pretty random with various amounts of fatigue ensuing, from no noticeable effect to complete zombification. I think the zombification is the only thing physiological when the effects accumulate.
I'm starting to read "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau (pronounced THOR-oh). I don't know why it struck me to read it, but I know how. I was re-reading Maxine Hong Kingston's quasi-memoir, "I Love a Broad Margin to My Life", and she mentions the cabin where much of "Walden" was written. Her title is itself from "Walden", as she explains.
I think I'd easily list Maxine Hong Kingston as one of my favorite authors, and as I don't have a list of favorite authors, she's probably my favorite author. Her "Tripmaster Monkey" is easily one of my favorite novels.
"Broad Margin" was no disappointment, she totally bends the genre of memoir on its head. There's a lot of self-referencing not only her work, but her life, so you kinda have to know that (such as the Oakland firestorm of '91 and that she had lost a nearly complete novel in it), and I do and I'm sure there's still a lot I'm missing.
She then revives the protagonist of "Tripmaster Monkey", Wittman Ah Sing (yes, a Walt Whitman reference), brings him forward in time as an old man and she melds her identity with his and combines his continued (fictional) journey with her own (non-fiction) reflections. Her creativity makes me giddy.
So I don't know what her mention of "Walden" triggered in me, but I went to look for it in the library shelves and found it. Maybe I felt I should respect literature that she obviously respects since I respect her so much. Also "Walden" is considered an American classic, so I'd be remiss to not be exposed to it.
But nothing attracted me to "Walden" before. Never studied it in high school and on its face and on paper, so to speak, it seemed kinda boring.
Well, I just started reading it, and it's not an easy read. It's not written in a style that's aiming to be easy to be read, unlike my way of writing, influenced by law school writing which taught to be simple and succinct. Not necessarily interesting or entertaining, but I try to keep it simple, stupid.
Ironic that legalese is such an incomprehensible, unreadable mess, because that's not what's taught in law school. Actually not so ironic, because simple and to-the-point writing is part of creating legal thinking. But once an attorney, confusion is the name of the game.
But I'm fascinated by "Walden" and I'll slog on. It's not what I expected. Although I expected pretentiously heady and I think I got a little bit of that, already there are parts where I wondered if he wasn't just some punk-ass discontent without any real insight!
He's described as a "transcendentalist", and I suppose that label went over my head. Once described in spiritual terms, it resonated that that's fundamentally exactly what I am. The manifestation may be completely different, but the ground philosophy is the same.
The effects of insomnia are also pretty random with various amounts of fatigue ensuing, from no noticeable effect to complete zombification. I think the zombification is the only thing physiological when the effects accumulate.
I'm starting to read "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau (pronounced THOR-oh). I don't know why it struck me to read it, but I know how. I was re-reading Maxine Hong Kingston's quasi-memoir, "I Love a Broad Margin to My Life", and she mentions the cabin where much of "Walden" was written. Her title is itself from "Walden", as she explains.
I think I'd easily list Maxine Hong Kingston as one of my favorite authors, and as I don't have a list of favorite authors, she's probably my favorite author. Her "Tripmaster Monkey" is easily one of my favorite novels.
"Broad Margin" was no disappointment, she totally bends the genre of memoir on its head. There's a lot of self-referencing not only her work, but her life, so you kinda have to know that (such as the Oakland firestorm of '91 and that she had lost a nearly complete novel in it), and I do and I'm sure there's still a lot I'm missing.
She then revives the protagonist of "Tripmaster Monkey", Wittman Ah Sing (yes, a Walt Whitman reference), brings him forward in time as an old man and she melds her identity with his and combines his continued (fictional) journey with her own (non-fiction) reflections. Her creativity makes me giddy.
So I don't know what her mention of "Walden" triggered in me, but I went to look for it in the library shelves and found it. Maybe I felt I should respect literature that she obviously respects since I respect her so much. Also "Walden" is considered an American classic, so I'd be remiss to not be exposed to it.
But nothing attracted me to "Walden" before. Never studied it in high school and on its face and on paper, so to speak, it seemed kinda boring.
Well, I just started reading it, and it's not an easy read. It's not written in a style that's aiming to be easy to be read, unlike my way of writing, influenced by law school writing which taught to be simple and succinct. Not necessarily interesting or entertaining, but I try to keep it simple, stupid.
Ironic that legalese is such an incomprehensible, unreadable mess, because that's not what's taught in law school. Actually not so ironic, because simple and to-the-point writing is part of creating legal thinking. But once an attorney, confusion is the name of the game.
But I'm fascinated by "Walden" and I'll slog on. It's not what I expected. Although I expected pretentiously heady and I think I got a little bit of that, already there are parts where I wondered if he wasn't just some punk-ass discontent without any real insight!
He's described as a "transcendentalist", and I suppose that label went over my head. Once described in spiritual terms, it resonated that that's fundamentally exactly what I am. The manifestation may be completely different, but the ground philosophy is the same.
Monday, September 01, 2014
Wow, mean bout of depression. I got a full night sleep, woke up normally and just didn't want to do anything. Didn't get up and sit. Just lay there and listened to music. But it wasn't like the years I did that (2011-2013) and was perfectly content.
Finally I started feeling physically sick and immediately turned on the A/C, noticing overheating, and started to re-calibrate. Didn't get out to the gym, haven't been since last week. Before then I hadn't been since the previous Wednesday. Not able to get to the gym is a sign of depression.
One defense has been dharma and reading a timely passage from the teachings of S.N. Goenka:
(opening quote attributed to the Buddha, Sutta Nipata, II. 4, Maha-Mangala Sutta):
"When faced with all the ups and downs of life,
still the mind remains unshaken,
not lamenting, not generating defilements, always feeling secure;
this is the greatest happiness.
No matter what arises, whether within the microcosm of one's own mind and body or in the world outside, one is able to face it – not with tension, with barely suppressed craving and aversion – but with complete ease, with a smile that comes from the depths of the mind."
It's a benefit of long-term mindfulness training that I'm attesting to. Without the training they might just be words, but with training there's the realization that it's right, it's true, because I've experienced it. Just reading the words "smile that comes from the depths of the mind" resonates, even in the grip of depression.
I know that smile. The depression is here, but it doesn't cancel out that smile or knowing that I know that smile. The remaining unshaken, the not lamenting, the not generating defilements are all cultivated through mindfulness training. Depression doesn't erase those.
Depression may still hold sway, but at worst there's balance.
Finally I started feeling physically sick and immediately turned on the A/C, noticing overheating, and started to re-calibrate. Didn't get out to the gym, haven't been since last week. Before then I hadn't been since the previous Wednesday. Not able to get to the gym is a sign of depression.
One defense has been dharma and reading a timely passage from the teachings of S.N. Goenka:
(opening quote attributed to the Buddha, Sutta Nipata, II. 4, Maha-Mangala Sutta):
"When faced with all the ups and downs of life,
still the mind remains unshaken,
not lamenting, not generating defilements, always feeling secure;
this is the greatest happiness.
No matter what arises, whether within the microcosm of one's own mind and body or in the world outside, one is able to face it – not with tension, with barely suppressed craving and aversion – but with complete ease, with a smile that comes from the depths of the mind."
It's a benefit of long-term mindfulness training that I'm attesting to. Without the training they might just be words, but with training there's the realization that it's right, it's true, because I've experienced it. Just reading the words "smile that comes from the depths of the mind" resonates, even in the grip of depression.
I know that smile. The depression is here, but it doesn't cancel out that smile or knowing that I know that smile. The remaining unshaken, the not lamenting, the not generating defilements are all cultivated through mindfulness training. Depression doesn't erase those.
Depression may still hold sway, but at worst there's balance.
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