When people consider the preciousness of life, do they mean preserving biological life just because it's there just for the hell of it? 

When I consider the preciousness of life, that includes extinguishing it when it becomes meaningless, when it has no more point, when it has no reason to be here. When the only response to 'why tomorrow?' is 'why not tomorrow?', and 'why next month?' is 'why not next month?, and 'why next year?' is 'why not next year?'

I've had it with you, and Mexico can fucking wait

And all of those French films about trains

'Cos I'm not scared, but I'd like some extra spare time

And I'm not scared, but the bills keep changing colors

 - "Pictures of Success" - Rilo Kiley

Da cycling cul-cha: Critical Mass night. Yaaay!

It turned out to be cold, but it was fun anyway. Critical Mass is apparently different depending on the city. My brother informs me that Critical Mass in Philly, PA, involves hardcore riders doing high-speed rides on the outskirts of the city.

Here, it's more of a goofy affair with people dressing up, outrageous bikes, percussion or boom boxes, passing out far left literature ("I have seen the radical left, and they were all riding bikes!"), and with the professed mission of bringing awareness of bike traffic to this city by injecting hundreds of bicyclists into rush hour traffic on the last Friday of every month, basically bringing all other traffic to a halt wherever we go.

But, oh, the true madness, something I've never seen in a Critical Mass: the mass was uneventfully heading up 16th St. to the Castro, and then it got to where Market, Noe, and 16th Sts. all meet. As the mass entered the intersection, there was confusion as to which way to go (where the mass goes is always unplanned and impromptu) and it ended up circling back upon itself.

So in the middle of this intersection, there were more than a hundred bicyclist just riding around in a huge circle! I'd be riding, watching out not to get hit by anyone else, and I'd look back over my shoulder, and what a sight! It was serious goofy and so much fun! Madness, I say, it was madness! Never seen the likes of it before.

The mass then straightened out and headed out of the Castro down Market St., ostensibly to make the requisite pass in front of City Hall, and then it happened again at VAN NESS and MARKET. That was too much for me, too nerve-wracking, so I pulled off to a corner to wait for it to end.

The mass continued and did its pass of City Hall and then it did both Broadway and Stockton tunnels, which is always fun because everyone screams and yells through them, making a considerable ruckus. The mass pretty much ended at the ball park where an exhibition game was being played. I left the park with a mini mass and luckily it headed towards the direction of home. I parted ways with the mass less than a mile away from home.

The traffic circles were pretty cool, but still the most unparalleled outrageous moment I've had in a Critical Mass was when it went into the underground garage/loading dock of Moscone Center. I was sure there were going to be arrests at that, but it was so much fun. There were bikes coming and going in and out of friggin' everywhere.

Critical Mass soundtrack: When I die and my life passes before my eyes like a movie, I want the soundtrack of any Critical Mass scene to be: The Kinks - "Sitting in the Midday Sun", also one of my life's theme songs.

Friday:
I'm having the weird kind of day where I just want to laugh. Unload accumulated bad vibes. Be pleasant to people and laugh a lot. It feels kind of forced, but no, the funny stuff is indeed funny. OK, it's funny, but maybe not as funny as my laughter is suggesting. But it doesn't matter if the laugh is greater in degree than the funny, because it's just one of those days where it feels good to laugh, even if there wasn't anything funny. But fortunately there are funny people here, or else I'd just look crazy. And we can't have that happening. I hope I'm not laughing just to keep from going crazy.

Overheard:
Q: You wanna get falafel?
A: No, I don't eat anything with "awful" in its name.

Joycee factoid of the day: Is too YOUNG to know who the "Y" is in CSN&Y.

Words to blog by: "Never censor. I won't . If I hate you, I'll tell you. After all, it's you who wanted to read my blog . :)" 

Joycee factoid of the day: Her ensemble matches the cover art of Rilo Kiley's "The Initial Friend EP" CD:

 

Me factoid of the day: I'm quitting Fiction, the band, fin. It lost steam and I lost interest.

Rockface moves to press my skin

White liquid turn sour within

Turn fast - turn sour

Turn sweat - turn sour

Must tell myself that I'm not here

I'm drowning in a liquid fear

Bottled in a strong compression

My distortion shows obsession

In the cave

Get me out of this cave! 

"In the Cage" - Genesis

Northern Exposure quote of the day: Passover Seyder
Marilyn: (Parsley) The parsley represents our gratitude to god for the bounty of the earth. We dip it in salt water to remind us of the tears our ancestors shed when we were slaves in the land of Egypt.
Maggie: (Matzoh) Behold the bread of affliction our ancestors ate when we were slaves in land of Egypt. Let it remind us of people everywhere who are poor and hungry. Let it call to our minds people today who are still enslaved and without freedom. May all in need come and celebrate Passover with us. May god redeem us from all servitude and trouble. Next year, at this season, may the whole house of Israel be free, and may all people enjoy liberty, justice and peace.

A "what the hell is wrong with me" rant:
Just for the record, I don't want to get "better", I don't want to be here, I don't want to exist, I want to be excised from physical reality and leave no trace. I want to fade into air like a wisp of smoke.
What is this feeling I have every year at this time? Every year I feel like I can't make it to the end of April. Every year I do. Every year I'm sure this is the year, this year I'll make it, this year I will succeed, this year I will be a success. And each end of April I meet with failure. "Hello, May, how do you do?"
I want to strike this set and tear down the scenery, stop being the character playing the part and get back to being the actor. But that just means preparing for another role with no certainty it will be any more bearable.
And still this feeling that pervades me to the core. Another year of the inevitable riding it out does not look attractive from this side of April.
Just for the record. /end rant.
I feel better now.

current soundtrack - Built to Spill (Perfect From Now On)

chuckle, chuckle:
Over a year ago HR decided to put "suggestion boxes" on each of the floors. They were extremely stupid, they were basically a forum for the "powers that be" to announce why the status quo would be maintained. The HR person who instigated this has since been canned. No one, however, has taken the initiative to remove the suggestion box on this floor, and it has since remained sitting on top of a filing cabinet, ignored, neglected, alone, abandoned, useless. *sigh*

Several weeks ago, Eric and I were bored and we took one of the blue "suggestion" index cards and typed, "Please remove suggestion box" or something like that, and put it in the box. The suggestion box, with this one suggestion in it, has since remained sitting on top of that filing cabinet, ignored, neglected, alone, abandoned, and useless.

So, I'm sitting here, and I hear someone just outside my cube. I crane my neck to see who it is and it's Mailine. Mailine's an attorney, and she's a very good one and I like and respect her a lot, but she does come across as being very straight-laced and by the book, and a bit uptight by nature, but not so uptight that she doesn't see the humor in the absurd.

I ask her, "Are you lost?", and she explains, a little flustered, how she noticed that there was a suggestion in the suggestion box and it's been there for weeks, and no one has come to collect it!
Incredulous, I ask, "You noticed there was a suggestion in the suggestion box?!", but of course if anyone were to notice, it would be Mailine. And only Mailine. Not even someone from HR would have noticed (they haven't).

She says, "I know what I'm going to do, I'm going to send the suggestion to HR through intra-office mail". I go back to what I was doing and she proceeds to remove the suggestion from said box. As she's heading back to her office, she pauses in front of my cube and I turn around and she's reading the suggestion with a smile on her face and says, "oh my god".

I go, very innocently mind you, "what?". She laughs and says, "the suggestion . . ." and walks off.

I crack myself up.

received via e-mail: The following are supposedly accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
funnier if you're from the area

2) A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”

Joycee factoid of the day: Called in sick and is probably in Tahoe with Elizabeth. Not really a factoid, more like a guesstoid.

More sophomorism on black holes:
I read an article in Astronomy magazine (April 2002) positing an inflationary theory of the universe that is eternal. The theory likens the growth and inflation of the universe to fractals, and when it stops in one region of space, it starts in another. (think of those neat computer generated fractals people use as screen savers that are best watched whilst stoned).

The fractal model actually squares with what I mentioned that black holes in our universe might be the big bang of other universes. Black holes in our universe might be points in our universe where it stops inflating. The article I read had a graphic of a fractal image that really helped. But the fractal image isn't accurate because it shows other universes forming off the "surface" of our universe.

But that's OK, because that is the best three dimensional rendering of the theory. I'm thinking that other universes are spawned from black holes in our universe, but they are within the matrix of a 4th dimension (or 5th if you consider time to be the 4th), so it would be impossible to visualize it.

Where it starts getting weird for me:
If black holes are the big bangs of other universes, at what point does the black hole bang big? Maybe there's some critical mass within the black hole that must be reached before banging. I don't like that – too linear. And a point of critical mass is assuming laws that don't exist anymore.

So now I'm thinking that since space-time breaks down in black holes, time as we know it in our universe is different than what it might be or look like on the other side, in the new universe. That is, from our point of view, outside of the black hole, the black hole exists in time, and it is sucking in everything – time, space, light, matter – that is unfortunate enough to cross the event horizon. It is accreting this material over what we perceive as a period of time.

However, on the other side of the black hole, it is just like our universe. All the matter in our universe was contained in this single, infinitely dense point in neither time or space. The universe banged at the moment that the black hole formed in our universe, but in our universe, it looks like the black hole is still accreting material. In the new universe, it's already all there!

And true to my comparative religion tendencies (which includes theoretical science), this idea was inspired for me (I'm sure this is all old hat to physicists) by Buddhist concepts of bodhisattvas and nirvana, but I won't go into that.

current soundtrack: Throwing Muses (Hunkpapa)

I showed this guy my pictures, he said they didn't breath
I said I painted them that way, kind of hanging on his sleeve, fall down
I showed this girl my stitches, she said she had some, too
She said she thinks she'll start a rock band, too. Fall down
- "Fall Down"

Oh, crap:
I just realized the same thing happened last year.

Aprils have been the hardest month for me to get through for the past several years. "Hardest month to get through"? What does that mean?

For some reason, it's always in April that my grip on reality slips and spirals out of control, as does my already dubious ability to deal with it, existence, and my own damn self. It's all internal, I'll usually slice, dice, cut, shop, drop, drink, sink, or stink my way through to the other side of the month, and I don't let anything show, and I don't let anyone know. Last year, it took me by surprise by starting a week early.

So I'm sitting here and I randomly catch myself something between a tear and a laugh, and then I look at the calendar, and I think, "uncanny".

Joycee factoid of the day: Fell down on her shoulder snowboarding this weekend. Her shoulder is stiff. Surprise, surprise.

On Working:
I don't belong here.

You work in an environment like this long enough, the same aisles, the same cubes, offices, the same walls, flourescent light, ceilings, the same work and grind . . . I can see how some of these people start thinking this is reality. And that it's not that bad, bearable.

That's the first step into becoming part of the machine. I can understand how people might think they have a life outside of this, but no, this is an integral part of your identity as long as you are here. You have no choice but to spend 8 hours of your day here and you squeeze what you can into the rest of the evening and recuperate on weekends.

The job makes us drones, even if we maintain our humanity. Edith, a lifer, surprised me a couple weeks ago:
Edith: how's it going?
k: as good as it gets, days melting into days . . .
Edith: . . . into months
k: (raises eyebrow)

I thought Edith was a drone. She is. Most of us are. She keeps her humanity hidden. But it's there. But she's a drone. She's a lifer. I might be a lifer, too. Short life.

(from lan from hapachan through chocoliz)

physical appearance
what do you most like about your body? my scars
how many fillings do you have? my teeth? hell if I know.

fashion
do you wear a watch? several: a Timex with thermometer; a glowing PopHalo; and an assortment of swatches
favorite pants/skirt color? impartial
most expensive item of clothing? probably $65 Levi's jean jacket
most treasured? Kristin Hersh "Strange Angel" t-shirt; Versus t-shirt; Throwing Muses "Limbo" t-shirt; Amina's black henley
what kind of shoes do you wear? comfy sneakers
describe your style in one word. casual

your friends
do your friends 'know' you? not a clue
what do they tend to be like? sarcastic, either hilarious or have great senses of humor, sensitive
are there traits in you that are universally liked? everyone likes when I go psycho and smash shit up
how many people do you tell everything to? 86
how many people tell you everything? "everything" as in more than I want to hear? everyone.

love
are you in a relationship right now? no
rate it on a scale from 1 to 10. 10
how 'far' have you been? nauseatingly far. It would nauseate you.
what song reminds you of your special someone? "Morning Glory" - Versus
have you ever loved a person so much that it hurt? yes, but probably not in the way you mean
how many people do you say 'i love you' to on a daily basis? 1, if imaginary people count
have you ever cheated on your significant other? no

music / tv / film / books
favorite band ever? Genesis (that's of all-time, I don't listen to them much these days)
most listened to bands currently? Versus, Modest Mouse, 764-HERO, Rilo Kiley, Built to Spill, Death Cab for Cutie
do you find any musicians good-looking? all musicians are good looking
can you play an instrument? yes
type of music most listened to? anything but country, opera, angry whiteboy rap, metal, christian rock
type never listened to? if I knew, then I've listened to it
favorite book? Catch-22; The Little Prince
favorite film? Wings of Desire; Bagdad Cafe; Field of Dreams; Hook; A Life Less Ordinary; Desert Blue; Raising Arizona; Home for the Holiday (what is it about Holly Hunter?)

religion
do you detest religion? institutionalized religion, yes; personal religion, no.
how do you think this universe was formed (explain in detail)? from a black hole in another universe. see other entries.
if you currently follow a religion, do you think people who belong to another religion are ignorant? no. Stupid, yes; ignorant, no. But stupid not because they belong to another "religion". Just because they're stupid.

homosexuality
what is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands? cute, love is love and it's wonderful whoever it is. Better than seeing two people hating each other.
do you detest homosexuality? no
do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children? agree

general questions
whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment? Smart man is an oxymoron. Smart=oxy, man=moron.
what do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day? sunny.
do you consider yourself lucky? how so or how not so? lucky, because I'm still alive. Unlucky, because I'm still alive. Story of my life.
do you feel pity for people who commit suicide? I detest the question
choose one word to describe how you feel most often. like a smooth operator. I've always wanted to work for the phone company.

NAME 4 BAD HABITS YOU HAVE: 

1. not working at work (being unmotivated and procrastinating) 

2. not wearing a helmet while bike riding (not really a habit - I won't even consider it) 

3. passing homeless people without emptying the change in my pocket. (it's just change!) 

4. you don't want to know #4 

NAME 4 PEOPLE CURRENTLY ON YOUR BAD SIDE: 

1. Ms. Case Manager (note to self: buy voodoo doll) 

2. Elizabeth (for pointing out that Pinback is playing on the same night as 764-HERO) 

3. hm, who else is worth enough to be on my bad side? 

4. 

NAME 4 SCENTS YOU LOVE: 

1. Christian Dior - Tendre Poison 

2. Summer (which we rarely get a whiff of in this dang city) 

3. lasagna 

4. I dunno . . . monasteries maybe? Sandlewood, I guess. 

 NAME 4 THINGS YOU'D NEVER WEAR: 

1. leather teddy 

2. noose (although I have before. For Halloween) 

3. turtleneck 

4. heart on my sleeve 

NAME 4 ANIMALS YOU LIKE: 

1. cats 

2. penguins 

3. owls 

4. gerbils! 

NAME 4 TV SHOWS YOU LOVE: 

1. Northern Exposure 

2. Cheers 

3. The Simpsons 

4. Star Trek: The Next Generation 

NAME 4 CELEBRITIES YOU DON'T LIKE: 

1. Eric Clapton (so over-rated, I consider him a celebrity, that says it all) 

2. Tom Hanks (annoying to the core) 

3. Mariah Scarey 

4. any right-wing Republican and/or evangelical Christian personality 

NAME 4 DRINKS YOU REGULARLY DRINK (this was the easiest question): 

1. Coffee 

2. Water 

3. Orange Juice 

4. Diet Pepsi (not regularly, but I LOVE Diet Pepsi) 

NAME 4 ICE CREAM FLAVORS YOU LOVE (this was the hardest question): 

1. Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie 

2. Ben & Jerry's Orange & Cream 

3. Ben & Jerry's Coconut Almond Fudge Chip 

4. Ben & Jerry's S.N.A.F.U. Strawberries Naturally All Fudged Up 2-Twisted

NAME 4 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF: 

1. fave color is orange, fave band is Genesis 

2. the two people I would have married dumped me! 

3. I have abandonment issues 

4. I have commitment issues (I've been committed before. Twice!)

NAME 4 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY: 

1. grandfather was the president of a bus company in Kaohsiung, Taiwan

2. my oldest brother used to make me see red by calling me "fatso"

3. when we were kids, me and my brothers would greet father when he came home from work and kiss him on the cheek. and apparently, in my memory, I started it

4. we have a branches in Japan, U.S., Canada, and Hong Kong

Joycee factoid of the day: Went to the John Scofield show at Yoshi's last night. She said it was totally funked up. 

current soundtrack: Pearl Jam (Live on Two Legs - "Do the Evolution")

On the Value of Acquaintances:
People choose what to express and communicate to other people either through action and communication or inaction and non-communication. Both say something. Both speak.

Value in another person is usually expressed in action and communication, and likewise lack of value is expressed in inaction or non-communication. You can be attentive to someone you value, or you can be cavalier about someone you don't value. It's all positive expression. And rarely are you attentive to someone you don't value, or cavalier about some you value.

What's twisted about me is that I don't take umbrage when someone is cavalier about the value they place in me. That's just not the way I work, I try not to impose myself on other people. They've chosen what they want to express and I have to accept that. What can I do? Get upset, confront them? why don't you like me more? drop them? Well, eventually, probably. But for the time being I just accept it and adjust my perspective of the situation, basically match my value in them to theirs in me, and let it go.

Joycee factoid of the day: Finds Ms. Case Manager as degrading and dehumanizing as I do.

current soundtrack: +/- "(known to friends and family as "plusminus")" - Noisepop festival guide

Bon printemps

Vernal or Spring equinox takes place on Wednesday, March 20 at 2:16pm (eastern standard time), when the Sun crosses the Celestial equator from South to North, marking the first day of Spring in the Northern hemisphere. 

I check this blog every morning at work to make sure I didn't post anything incriminating or incredibly stupid painfully embarrassing the night before. Especially after a night at Beale St. (after which I tested my theory of RUI (riding under the influence), and yes, it works, although sometimes it takes a few seconds to get into a more controlled state of mind). 

I like randomly bringing New Jersey into conversations: 

Q: What are those scratches from? 

A: Mostly from cats. 

Q: Cats? Those must be pretty vicious cats. 

A: Big cats. I used to work at the zoo. 

Q: You so did not work at a zoo. 

A: Fine, don't believe me. 

Q: Which zoo? 

A: New Jersey Zoo. 

and 

E: Why did you live in 'Third World House' (in college)?

K: Because I didn't meet the Bon Jovi fan requirement to get into New Jersey House. 

and

After getting into an argument with Eric whether or not Bruce Springsteen is peeing on the American flag on the cover of the "Born in the U.S.A." album, I took a poll to see if anyone could corroborate it. No one could: "OK, you win, it looks like New Jerseyans will have to once again lead the country in the belief that Bruce Springsteen is peeing on Bon Jovi's toupee". 

and

me: OMG, you're from New Jersey? Where from?

them: (wherever)

me: Yeah? I'm from near Fort Lee, we're practically paisano!

current soundtrack: Vivaldi - "The Four Seasons: Winter" (coming from my neighbors cube. For an actual classical musician, she sure likes mainstream stuff)

Lordy, lordy, lordy . . . some sitcoms on these days (i.e., the Random Years on WB after Buffy) . . . the writing, the dialogue is pretty much the kind of inane, random, halibut dialogue I have during my days with co-workers, like Eric, to amuse ourselves, saving ourselves from gripping ennui . . . only Eric and I would have the sense not to put it on tv and subject however many hundreds of people to that sort of torture. It's torturous enough for us.

Sophomorism:
So I'm trying to imagine a black hole, a singularity, and it's not an infinitely dense sphere with gravity so great that not even light can escape. The event horizon is not the edge of a sphere, the crossing of which might be entry into a wormhole through space-time.

Instead, I read an NYT article, ". . .matter, say in a dead star, could collapse into a heap so dense that light could not even escape from it, eventually squeezing itself out of existence. At the center, space would be infinitely curved . . . Space, time and even the laws of physics themselves would break down at this cosmic dead end, called a singularity."

It squeezes itself out of existence, so no it's not a sphere. A sphere in my mind exists. So the singularity is an infinitely dense point of non-existence. But then my mind goes on a tangent about the Big Bang and the point in which all the matter that now comprises our universe was contained. Since it contained the amount of matter necessary to create numerous black holes within our universe, it certainly contained enough mass to squeeze itself out of existence.

So in linear pedestrian thinking, it seems that the point out of which sprung the Big Bang was non-existent, or a perhaps a black hole of inconceivable density (when something is that dense, does the degree matter anymore?). What caused that infinitely dense point to "bang", and what if a black hole in our observable universe "bangs"? Could it create a universe? Would the universe it creates inflate and expand like ours, according to latest knowledge, did and is doing? Maybe it's created on the "other side" of the black hole.

The singularity is not a sphere. It is infinitely curved space and non-existence is somewhere in the equation. It is positive, proactive non-existence in this universe, a concept that is rendered inconceivable by the very fact that we exist.

I wonder where I can get lasagna for lunch. (Greek choir nods in approval).

"...one of the supreme mysteries of nature. That is the ability, according to the quantum mechanic laws that govern subatomic affairs, of a particle like an electron to exist in a murky state of possibility - to be anywhere, everywhere or nowhere at all . . ."

It never ceases to amaze me how scientific language uses the same words I use for spiritual concepts.

I wish I cared.
Oh, wait, I do care.
I wish I didn't care.

I think my attempts to push co-worker Eric over the edge are succeeding. Anyday now. Anyday.

Joycee factoid of the day: Yay! Joycee really likes the mix, and Whit's all jealous, but I can't make him a mix because he's more of a metal guy. I guess that was more of a Whit factoid of the day.

current soundtrack - Radiohead (OK Computer)

Posted at the speed of blog!:
Test Results

You think of yourself as being happy, tropical, bright, and citrusy.

Others think of you as being furry, warm, funny, and independent.

Your relationships can be described as huge, ominous, mysterious, and inviting.

When stressed, you feel free.

Take this test here.

Joycee factoid of the day: Can sing at least two verses and a chorus of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". Actually, that's a factoid from Friday, but I thought the hoody thing was too precious. But now that I think of it, today's factoid should qualify for a Joycee factoid of the MONTH!!

ok, here's the first go. two weeks left for two more. keep in mind pncm's encouraging words to me, paraphrased, "well, they can suck, can't they?" Yes, dear, they can:

working title: The Observable Universe
Fastening up my shoes
Snow sticks to the ground and then melts
No memory of dreams at night
Today is just the day after yesterday
Just another day after yesterday, and yesterday//
The 4th dimension's in my head it couldn't fully explain
Where my skin stops being skin and becomes thin air//
Little life with a megaphone
Good vibrations fill the air
I'm so cold, hiver everywhere
Everyday, everyone's an obstacle
Maybe I'll take my advice
Maybe this time I'll mean it
Maybe this time I'll really mean it, I mean it//
The 4th dimension's in my brain it couldn't fully explain
If I fell in the forest would I make a sound?//
You don't even like the sun
What would you care if I'm gone
You don't even like the sun
What would you care if I'm wrong//
The 4th dimension's in my head it couldn't fully explain
Where my skin stops being skin and becomes thin air
If I fell in the forest would you be there to hear my call
Or would the 4th dimension echo in the fall

Why am I posting this? Because if it makes me wince thinking that someone else might be reading it, that means I need to change it. Tweaking can wait till April, though.

current soundtrack: Joycee mix

Holy shit, Elizabeth, this Fugazi is amazing!

Am I a punk at heart? Did I totally miss the emo boat by not even knowing what it was? Story of my life. No matter, I'd rather play indie drums than emo or punk drums. Punk or emo I'd prefer guitar, and I don't do that well enough anyway. No comment on second audition. Both bands I auditioned for this weekend had missing members, making it particularly difficult to gauge what's going on.

Northern Exposure quote of the day:
No, you're not, Maurice, you're trying to recapture the illusion that you're in control and you're not. Man, nobody is. I mean, we're dust. We're atoms. You and I are bound together in ways that we can never comprehend. What happened on that roof is an extreme example, but we depend on each other every day for our mutual survival. And I just . . . listen, I can't take money for that.
- Chris Stevens lecturing Maurice on social co-dependency after saving his life.

current soundtrack: Fugazi (The Argument)

Kathryn about drugs: "That's isn't to say I don't want to . . . I don't like putting anything in my body that would mess with my sense of control." 

Interesting, because that's an aspect of why I drink. I have a thing about self-control and I drink to challenge it to make sure I can maintain it when I really need to. Alcohol tries to remove my ability to control my immediate surroundings, I have to fight to maintain it. The point where I'm losing control by blacking out or failing to get home safe on my bike, is the point when I have to start re-evaluating its use and abuse. 

The reason why I don't use drugs is because there's no struggle involved, you're stripped of your ability to be in control, you don't have a chance. With alcohol, I can go to Beale St. with coworkers on Tuesdays and get sloshed, but the moment I get on my bike, deep breath, focus, get into another mind that isn't affected. If I can't get into that mind, I don't ride. If I lose the good sense to not ride because I'm so sloshed, then I quit. Destroying my liver is the other part of it. 

current soundtrack: Archers of Loaf (Vee Vee)

The first time was the worst time

The second time was worst than the first

The last time was a great crime

On all things great and small

But this time is gonna be the best

It's gonna take the other ones off my chest

 - "Let the Loser Melt"

My drums are scattered around my apartment, trying to be unobtrusive, but . . . when's the last time you saw a stack of drums in a kitchen? If I pull all my stuff out of Fiction's studio, I guess I have the room in my apartment to store everything, but it'll be a pretty tight fit.

No comment on the audition today, except that the Modest Mouse influence was pretty apparent in their material.

And as Shahrzad just posted a mix list, I will so do, too. Here's the Joycee mix song-list:

1. Title Track (Death Cab for Cutie)
   
2. History Lessons (764-HERO)
   
3. Center of the Universe (Built to Spill)
   
4. You'll Be Sorry (Versus)
   
5. Picture of Success (Rilo Kiley)
   
6. Heart Cooks Brain (Modest Mouse)
   
7. Hot Topic (Le Tigre)
   
8. Penelope (Pinback)
   
9. Greatest of All Time (Archers of Loaf)
   
10. Raining (Versus)
    
11. Little Babies (Sleater-Kinney)
    
12. Night on the Sun (Modest Mouse)
    
13. Working for Vacation (Cibo Matto)
    
14. Temporarily Blind (Built to Spill)
    
15. Shangri-La (Versus)
    
16. Never-Ending Math Equation (Modest Mouse)
    
17. The Frug (Rilo Kiley)
    
18. Hell and High Water (Rainer Maria)
    
19. Quarter to Three (Sleater-Kinney)

current soundtrack: Modest Mouse - "Night on the Sun"

I got home and looked for evidence of what the hell happened last night. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Oh well. But then I sat down at my computer and eventually noticed a CD on my desk (it was upside down so I knew it wasn't one I was using as coaster). It was the CD of my own stuff (that I find so excruciatingly bad) that I was listening to last night. You know what? I think that probably has something to do with it. 

Hm. Interesting: 

Why am I allergic to myself?

I get a rash every time I come down and try to be real

Ask me about my drinking problem

That's one way to get a prime example of denial

I smeared myself with 80 proof holy water

I'm a failure of religious guidance, social science

I'm next in line to be discharged and I feel better

On my way home gotta make it look like an accident

(1994)

Hm. There are moments on this CD.

Boss-lady is gone for a week, I have to pace my workload so that it lasts the entire week.

I used to have a recurring dream where I would get into physical fights (I've never been in one outside family in physical life) and I'd be pounding, kicking, and beating the hell out of the other person and it would have no effect. I would wake up and continue the dream in my imagination and finish them off.

current soundtrack: Dakota Floyd - "Hazy"

bad, really bad: a morning in the life of 

I woke up at 5 something this morning and the light was on, very strange. I have no recollection what happened, but it must have been my unconscious that tucked me snug under my covers last night, but left the light on. And took off my glasses, which took me ten minutes to find this morning because I can't see without them. I found them on my bed near my feet – somewhere I never put them for fear of crushing them (I tend to do that). I guess I didn't move around very much in my sleep either. 

I didn't react when my first alarm went off around sunrise, but dragged my ass out of bed when my second alarm went off almost an hour later. I don't think I brushed my teeth last night, so whatever happened last night, it couldn't have been good (but no blood, that's always good). 

This is the first time my memory has gone blank like that. I got out of bed and did my 15 minutes, miraculously, but my mind was completely unsettled and never "landed", and also unusual was that I wasn't cold, which I usually am on cold days and the radio was telling me it was a chilly morning. 

Then I needed to listen to Skunk Anansie, so I put that in my CD player for my commute soundtrack. You know something's fucked up when you need to listen to Skunk Anansie first thing in the morning.

  

I awake

Dry the scream

Spit the vile breath

Till my tongue bleeds

 - "Charlie Big Potato"

This morning was a good morning to get smacked by a bus on my way to work. I'm usually hyper aware of my surroundings when I'm on my bike, but this morning I was just zoning. Fortunately there were no surprises, and my route to work is so much safer than it was from Noe Valley. And again my unconscious might have been jarred to awareness by the Skunk Anansie and kept me safe. It tends to do that. My unconscious is like its own entity, I should name it. 

So now I'm at work, got here early, I'm probably the only person who can black out at night and then get to work early. Boss-lady is gone for the next week on vacation for once. We were encouraging her to proactively relax and not think about work and she said she'll try. And, big news, she signed the papers yesterday. It's official. Boss-lady is now a partner. Maybe things will start smoothing out now. whoa! OK, I just got up and I'm not in good shape. Note to self: don't leave cube until lunch 

Joycee('s team) factoid of the day: We're all wearing hoodies!!!

I just hate explaining myself. I'm really bad at it and I always come across wrong. And my feelings about it? My mind goes into overdrive and it's completely blank.

I've been listening to stuff I wrote and recorded before, and mind you it's pretty excruciatingly bad, but I'm glad I have the stuff recorded because it documents a certain time of my life for me. But I was also listening to the stuff for a frame of reference, what was I doing back then? what was my thought process? creative process? how did I do it back then? what was I feeling and trying to express?

And it's clear to me that the way I wrote back then is not the way to write songs. A line of lyric would come to me, and I would try out chords under it while trying out melodies for the lyric, and at the end of the session I would have a line of lyric, chords under it, and a way to sing the line of lyrics. And I'd be so psyched that I came up with something, that I'd go and do something else to relax. If it takes that long to come up with one line of a song, there's no way it's gonna be any good.

Joycee factoid of the day: She's looking a little glum and gloomy today. What's a matta, Joycee, why you blue? Chipper up, buckaroo. In case you're wondering, no, Joycee does not read this blog.

current soundtrack:

Broke account, so I broke a sweat

I bought some things that I sort of regret about now

Broke your glasses, but it broke the ice

You said that I was an asshole and I'd pay the price

Broken hearts want broken necks

I said some things that I want to forget, but I can't

Broke my pace and ran out of time

Sometimes I'm so full of shit that it should be a crime

Broke a promise cause my car broke down

Such a classic excuse, it should be bronzed by now

Broke up, and I'm relieved somehow

It's the end of the discussions that just go round and round

And round and round and round and round and round and round . . . 

 - Modest Mouse - "Broke"

You know, when your being here today is premised on the illusional belief that you won't be here on this date, or this date, or that date in the future, it's not something you advertise. If I just accepted that I'm here for the long haul, that's when I realize that I've decided to take this reality on its face as reality, and therefore affirmatively not worth living. This reality to me is a playground of metaphor and symbolism to learn from, and I can arbitrarily choose when to leave it if the challenges I've set for myself are too hot to handle. 

People get funny with ideas like that. So here's this huge fiction I have to spin and present to the world. Fortunately, if I do decide to crash and burn again and get committed again, that's easily accomplished, too, because when your being here today is premised on the illusional belief that you won't be here on this date, or this date, or that date, funny signals get sent out irregardless. No surprises, yo'm sayin'?

current soundtrack: Throwing Muses - "The Real Ramona"

I need to go to bed

I need to go to sleep

I need that hope chest

I need it to breath

 - Throwing Muses - (Ellen West)

Stole this from Elizabeth, who stole this from Vincent, who probably stole it from somebody else:

Five CDs from your collection that you will never get tired of (but never is a pretty long time):
1. Genesis - The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway
2. Modest Mouse - The Lonesome Crowded West
3. Marillion - Clutching at Straws (re-master)
4. Southern All-Stars - Yeah!!!!!
5. Tom Waits - Frank's Wild Years (you can get drunk just listening to this CD!)

Five vacations you have taken:
1. Tokyo, Japan, to visit Shiho
2. Tokyo, Japan, to visit Madoka
3. Taipei, Taiwan, to visit Josephine
4. refugee camp on the Thai-Burma border, believe it or not (It was work for Madoka, I was just tagging along so it was vacation for me)
5. I need to take more vacations

Five things you'd like to learn:
1. Japanese (hahaha, OK, only I got that one)
2. the meaning of life
3. how to cook
4. HTML
5. the meaning of my life

Five Places you just have to go:
1. Scotland, my ancestral home (OK, I didn't even get that one)
2. Anywhere Madoka is
3. World Trade Center site
4. Amoeba
5. home (once I find it)

Five beverages you drink frequently:
1. Scotch
2. Bourbon
3. Gin
4. Vodka
5. Tequila
(in that order)

Five tv shows that were on when you were a kid:
1. Bugs Bunny & Friends
2. Dukes of Hazzard (Making their way the only way they know how/But that's just a little bit more than the law will allow) I'm gonna have that song in my head all day now.
3. Star Trek (original series re-runs)
4. Cosmos
5. The Six Million Dollar Man

Five tv shows you watch now:
1. Northern Exposure (all on tape)
2. The Simpsons
3. Malcolm in the Middle
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
5. Blind-Date

Five places to go in your area:
1. Amoeba
2. the Mission
3. Santa Cruz mountains (star-gazing)
4. Golden Gate Park to the Pacific O
5. The Headlands

Five things to do when you're bored:
1. ride bike
2. go to Amoeba
3. play gee-tar or bass with the tv on
4. blog surf
5. you really don't want to know number 5

Five things that never fail to cheer you up:
1. Music (cheer up is relative)
2. Smiles (especially on children)
3. sunlight/warm temperatures
4. katie (but only when she's around)
5. exacto knives

More "Does Someone Sit Around All Day and Think This Shit Up?":

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
   You boil the hell out of it.
   
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
   Dam!
   
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
   Polaroids.
   
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN’T WORK?
   A stick.
   
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN’T YOURS?
   Nacho Cheese.
   
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA’S HELPERS?
   Subordinate Clauses.
   
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
   Quattro Sinko.
   
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
   Spoiled milk.
   
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
   Frostbite.
   
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
    A nervous wreck.
    
11. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
    Anyone can roast beef.
    
12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
    Right where you left him.
    
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
    Because they have big fingers.
    
14. WHY DON’T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
    Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
    
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
    Sanka.
    
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
    The location of the dirt bag.
    
17. WHY DO A PILGRIM’S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
    Because he’s wearing his belt buckle on his hat.
    
18. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
    A bad golfer goes whack, “damn.” A bad skydiver goes “damn,” whack.
    
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
    Unique up on it.
    
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
    Tame way, unique up on it.
    
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
    Skeet.
    
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
    An Amish Drive-By Shooting.
    
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
    Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

Insight into my personality: My faves are #19 & #20!

Joycee factoid of the day: Paid for her party mix at Walgreens because I felt sorry that she only had like $3 on her.

If your past is so painful that you want to forget it, would you if you could?
The film 'Nabi' (Butterfly), from Korea, at the As-Am film fest was surprisingly good. It's set in the future, when some environmental calamity has become a reality, and a virus spreads in Korea by luminescent butterflies which erases the memory of those afflicted.

The result: a tourist industry is created for people who want to catch the virus to forget their painful memories. A lot of humanity is lost in this environment, but shards inevitably remain on individuals, clawing to come out, only to be forgotten by some, remembered by others. It's a dark film, maybe that's why I liked it

current soundtrack: electronic hum of my computer and monitor; muffled voices through the wall (I guess they're done having sex); and water pipes.

Joycee factoid of the day: Today it's Wavy-Hair Joycee (took shower last night instead of this morning apparently). Lookin' good, Joycee.

Le Tigre ROCKED Great American Music Hall today. I caught the first of two consecutive sold-out shows today and it was so much fun. Exciting. And considering that 80-90% of the audience were female, rocking out, punking out, dancing, pulsating, grinding, as close to moshing as I've seen in a good 5-6 years, I might even be able to say I got some tonight! Just kidding, I won't even venture to guess what percentage of that 80-90 were dykes. But I will say, and only because I have dyke friends who'd agree . . . bull-dykes are scary! Nothing against bull-dykes, it's just that in that situation, I could've gotten hurt! And getting smacked in the mouth with a punk-dyke's blue dreadlock was super gross.

Can't do it not even if sober 

Can't get that engine turned over

 Modest Mouse - "Cowboy Dan"

On Confluence: n. 1: a coming or flowing together, meeting, or gathering at one point.

It's always at the Asian American film festival that I run into old friends and acquaintances, people whose radar screens I've dropped off of, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. If I've fallen off with someone, no prob, I'll probably run into them at some AA film festival (not to be confused with the Al. Anon. film festival, in which I've probably starred in several films. j/k). Part of me dreads it because it is just as possible that I'll run into someone I'd be happier not knowing existed. The funny thing is . . . it's not always at the festival that I run into them.

Cianna:
Last night I went to see "Harmful Insect", from Japan, and I got to the theater, locked my bike, was groovin' along to Modest Mouse, ignoring my surroundings, and I get to the entrance and the person I'm passing pokes me in the gut.

"It's Cianna," she yells as I take my headphones off.

She is the beautiful kind of human being who is always modest and doesn't assume I remember or recognize her. I didn't recognize her for a few seconds, but I certainly remember her. She is one of the most remarkable people I've had the honor of knowing. People who are incredibly selfless, put their energy into doing work that helps other people, intelligent, brilliantly creative . . . people who enrich your life just because of the calibre of human being they are.

It's not like we're going to hang out or anything, but I got her card, telling her, "We aren't in constant contact, but I would like to know where you are." Told her she looked great, gave her a big hug.

She poked me in the stomach as I walked by, how cute is that?

Anita:
This afternoon, no film festival-going. Anita is the reason I have my job. Anita and I had been friends for several years here, but she was best friends with Ritu for a longer time, I don't even know if it's right to call them "friends". They were more like sisters; love-hate.

When Ritu got a job out here and was looking to hire assistants, Anita referred me. The firm didn't want to hire me because of my education, but Ritu threatened HR to hire me. Threatened? Well, if you knew Ritu . . . yea.

When Ritu died, Anita and I fell out of contact. There was tension, but it was an unsaid thing, nothing happened. Just a string of answering machine messages that didn't get answered and then silence.

Several months ago, around the anniversary of Ritu's death, Anita called and left a message, but I didn't feel comfortable answering. But it was enough of a gesture that when I moved in December, she was on the e-mail list telling people of my new contact info.

So today. Jordan called me to go on a bike ride and I decided to go since I hadn't seen him since the lay-offs. But I didn't want to go long since the weather reported rain in the afternoon and I hate, I HATE, I HATE riding in the rain (think wet cat).

But as we (Jordan, two other people, and me) rode and decided along the way where to go next, the weather just got better and better. We ended up going long, crossing the GG Bridge and riding into the Headlands.

By the time we were heading back, deciding to go to Clement St. to get some food, I was feeling that I needed to get home and working on music. So when we got to Clement St., I told them I was taking off.

The problem was among four bikes, we only had two locks. So I donated my lock and told them to get it back to me later. So I took off lockless, realizing that I also needed food, but I couldn't stop anywhere because I couldn't lock my bike. BUT, there's a burger stand on 18th and South Van Ness, right near where I live, that I've always noticed but never went to, where I wouldn't have to lock my bike.

So I go there, and I'm standing on line and see someone sitting at one of the outside tables and catch glances with her. I didn't recognize her, but it's one of those glances where you might not recognize the other person, but you just sense a familiarity. You know what I'm talking about, I know you do.

At the third glance, we're sure of who we are. It's Anita. So we chat a bit, she has to run to a belly dancing class, but she says, "You look great", which made me hold pause because that's exactly what I said to Cianna last night, I couldn't even respond to Anita, I just gave a puzzled look. It was odd.

Northern Exposure quote of the day:
Ed: Suicide's not the Indian way.
Shelley: It's not?
Ed: Don't go where you're not invited, you know what I mean?

current soundtrack: Rilo Kiley - "Take Offs and Landings"

Most Recent Funny Thing I Do to Alleviate the Boredom:
When there are three people on an e-mail chain (one sending, two receiving), and at some point one of them sends back a message forgetting to cc the other person, hit the reply button, add the third person back on, re-write or doctor the 2nd person's message making it say something inflammatory about the third person (or otherwise ridiculous), then write a response to the fake message (either confirming it or defending the second person - either way, it's the third person who'll have to defend him/herself). Hit send. Chuckle mischievously.

I guess I should illustrate:
Eric to Theresa and Koji: Any word on this?
Koji to Theresa and Eric: I sent drafts to T last week. T?
Eric to Koji: I hope there was no unintended inference in my earlier email which might cause one to believe that an eagerness exists on my part to receive current NC ads and resume casework in that dreadful state. For it shouldn’t be; I’m not; and NC is. Thank you for your time.
Doctor E's message to say: Thanks K, you know how eager I am to file cases as that will not only help the team look good, but it is also beneficial to the firm, for which my loyalty is unwavering. And hey, doing a good job also makes me feel better about myself. Please let me know when the ads come in, and if there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.
Koji to Theresa and Eric (with doctored message now in the chain): My pleasure, E. And ditto, my friend, ditto.

It's even better when the second party is your boss.

Joycee factoid of the day: Hit herself on the head with a green file folder by accident. She's OK.

This just in: *yawn*

I Will Take my own life!. After going through with your own well thought out version of columbine you finally turn the gun on yourself... the thick coat of brains and coagulated blood was a bitch to get off the auditorium wall. You sure showed them! Find out how you will die, Take the Death Quiz now! Hey, I just take 'em, I don't make 'em.

One of these days I'm going to have to get motivated and start working again. I mean really working. The way it is now, my days of blogging, e-mailing, surfing, and socializing are punctuated by breaks in which I get some work done.

But, goddam, I was sitting in my cube today looking around at it and thinking, holy cow, this is hell. Can I imagine doing this for another year? How about the rest of my life? How about friggin' ETERNITY???? H-E-L-L (and believe me, this afternoon felt like eternity.)

But I think my lack of motivation is affected by boss-lady, who's an awesome boss, and when her shit gets smoothed out, work might normalize. Or our whole team might get canned. Except Ms. Case Manager since she thrives in places like this. I didn't need to write that, that was mean.

You know, changing the subject, I sometimes look at what I write and wonder if I'm depressed. Alright, maybe someone who knows more about it would read this and say, "you think?", but I have a hard time identifying a feeling as depression. Sometime during my upbringing, I started channeling the feeling which for everyone else was depression into anger (mostly towards the 'rents).

I don't know where I learned to do that, it was just automatic. It was only in college when I was placed in a situation where I couldn't channel it that I got my first taste of depression and was surprised when I identified it as such. I don't think I'm depressed, but I'm not really qualified, even by experience, to make that assessment.

Joycee factoid of the day: Left work early to go to physical therapy to help fix her ankle so that she can injure it again snowboarding this weekend.

current soundtrack: Marillion - "Clutching at Straws"

And the only sign of life is the ticking of the pen
Introducing characters to memory like old friends
Frantic as the cardiograph, scratching out the lines
In a fever of confession, a catalogue of crime in happy hour
Do you cry in happy hour, do you hide in happy hour
A pilgrimage to happy hour
- "Hotel Hobbies" - Marillion

Now I understand how I can have S.A.D. and still not want to exist on a gorgeous sunny day like this past Sunday. Because on a cruddy rainy day like today, I feel like ripping veins out of my arm. Ew, gross, ouch. Maybe not.

But I do feel the suppression or compression of emotions and notice distortions, possibly imaginary, at the edge of my field of vision. Actually, that and the ripping veins out part. God, I wish I took drugs.

current soundtrack: 764-HERO - "Nobody Knows This is Everywhere"

I am an Asteroid. I am a drifter. I go where life leads, which makes me usually a very calm and content sort of person. That or thoroughly apathetic. Usually I keep on doing whatever I'm doing, and it takes something special to make me change my mind. What Video Game Character Are You?

Pretty good, I hated video games growing up . . . except Asteroids!!

Just finished lunch from Jack in the Box. Now I feel like I need a shower.

Joycee factoid of the day: Annoyed upon learning that I have a "Joycee factoid of the day". She was really flattered. I could tell.

It rained this morning so I had to take the Muni like all the other commuter schleps. I swear this city has the only public transportation system that recruits drivers from mental wards.

current soundtrack: Fugazi - "The Argument"

I don't know if this is something off the web, or if the person who sent the e-mail sits around all day making this shit up:

FW: Increase your vocabulary. Learn a new word each day:

• Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
  
• Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
  
• Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
  
• Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
  
• Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
  
• Control: A short, ugly inmate.
  
• Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
  
• Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.
  
• Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
  
• Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.
  
• Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
  
• Misty: How golfers create divots.
  
• Paradox: two physicians.
  
• Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  
• Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.
  
• Polarize: what penguins see with.
  
• Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
  
• Relief: what trees do in the spring.
  
• Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.
  
• Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size six.
  
• Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
  
• Subdued: like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, you know, submarines, man.
  
• Sudafed: bringing litigation against a government official.
  

("Sub-dude", huh-huh, huh-huh)

hm, OK, these are better (though not by much):

1. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
   
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
   
3. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
   
4. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
   
5. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
   
6. Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
   
7. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
   
8. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
   
9. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
   
10. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
    
11. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
    
12. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    
13. Marriage is the mourning after, knot before.
    
14. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    
15. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
    
16. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
    
17. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
    
18. Banning the bra was a big flop.
    
19. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
    
20. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    
21. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
    
22. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    
23. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
    
24. Without geometry, life is pointless.
    
25. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
    
26. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    
27. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
    
28. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Joycee factoid of the day: Joycee's not here, man.

Final thoughts of the day: 

I just got back from a "rehearsal" with Lisa, it was just the two of us. We jammed, went through some old stuff, came up with some new stuff. It wasn't great, it wasn't terrible. It was OK, it wasn't bad. It just put me into thought. I don't know what I'm doing with music. 

Am I seriously going to give up music at the end of the month if I don't come up with three songs? 

The goal in life, whether it's by making money, finding the perfect relationship, having a satisfying career, etc., is to reach the end of our lives and not look back with regret; to have some comfort (I'm not sure if that's the right word) closure (that's closer to the right word) in how we've spent our time here, in what we've accomplished. 

So would it be a disaster if I gave up music? Would I, at the end of my life, look back in dissatisfaction for not having been in a band? Hardly. Music is a passion, I love doing it, but it's not going to give me the clarity I seek in this lifetime. It's material, and I think I get just as much satisfaction, perhaps more, out of just finding new great music, and listening to it and feeling and relating to the emotion expressed in it. If I can't express myself in my own way, I have no problem with that, I don't have that kind of ego drive. 

Since I met up with that Sikh last month, I have been sitting for 15 minutes every morning as he hinted at. I've also started sitting for 15 minutes after coming home many days. 15 minutes is easy. In college and after I was constantly pushing the time longer and longer, and that was hard. I don't need to push it if it's going to discourage and stop me from doing it – 15 minutes twice a day is just fine. 

The effect has been sublime, deeply internal, but I know there's been some effect. Maybe it has helped center or balance me, but it puts me at ease with my self-destruction, because if I self-destruct, that's being true to myself, and that allows me, at the end of my life, to look back and have no regrets about how I've spent my life here. 

If I'm ailing at age 83, about to die, and look back to the past 50 years that I forced myself to live, just for the sake of surviving, what satisfaction or comfort can I take in that? (We live for just these twenty years/Do we have to die for the fifty more? - D. Bowie "Young Americans") 

I don't think there is a relation between stopping music and self-destructing, it's not that simple an equation. The only relation is that whatever I do, whether it be stopping music, continuing music, self-destructing, or continuing, I'd better make sure I'm doing it for the right reason. I don't like my life, I don't like what I've done with it, but if this were my last day alive, I'm satisfied with how I've spent my time here, because for all my unsuccesses, self-destruction, and failures, I feel I've been true to my nature. And ultimately, there's not a failure in that. 

current soundtrack: Genesis - . . . And Then There Were Three . . .

I thought I was lucky

I thought that I'd got it made 

How could I be so blind? 

- "Many Too Many"

Joycee factoid of the day: Joycee now has a row of *five* M&M guys lined up on her cube wall. They're actually kind of cute. 

Northern Exposure Quote of the Day: 

Joel: Do you believe in spirits? 

Ed: Oh yea, but even if I didn't, they wouldn't care 

- During Joel's vision quest 

current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie - We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes

So, I'm just starting to get back into the swing of things at work, and I've filed for the first time in two months. I wonder if anyone notices that I hadn't filed since one of my teammates got promoted to Case Manager . . .

"What does that promotion mean?", I hear you ask?

It means that there is another level of review between me and my work, and my real boss, the attorney, who trusted that I do things intelligently and for a reason. As opposed to Ms. Case Manager who is going strictly by the book and therefore puts no independent thought in, and allows no independent thought by us. It's been degrading and demoralizing and has emphasized what a meaningless job this is.

I look at it as a little game now: (just a sample)

1. I enter education dates on the forms as provided by the client, assuming he or she knows what his or her dates of school attendance were.
   
2. Ms. Case Manager changes the dates according to transcripts and diplomas.
   
3. Real boss signs off and the drafts go to the client for review.
   
4. Client writes back, saying the education dates are wrong, and indicates the right dates (believe it or not, they are the same dates that I initially indicated!).
   
5. I change the dates back and finalize the forms.
   
6. Real boss signs off and the forms go out for signature.
   

I'm a corporate WHORE!! Give it to me, baby, oh yes, yes, harder harder!!

current soundtrack: "Nothingman" - Pearl Jam (at least we can still listen to music at work)

My life has become as pathetic as Paul Simon playing electric guitar. I'm sorry, I'm watching the Concert in Central Park on PBS, and don't get me wrong, I'm riveted, but Paul Simon playing electric guitar? Why? If you're going to play it like an acoustic guitar, just stick with the acoustic.

Now the years are rolling by me, they are rocking evenly

I am older than I once was - younger than I'll be, but that's not unusual

No it isn't strange after changes upon changes we are more or less the same

After changes we are more or less the same 

"The Boxer" (Concert In Central Park version) - Simon & Garfunkel

Noise Pop: Bottom of the Hill
Great? Amazing? Splendiferous? Jolly good? Faboo? No, give it up. Words cannot convey the exquisite euphoria of the Versus show at a packed Bottom of the Hill.

It didn't seem that the band planned to do encores, and would have been happy to leave the stage and let the band slip back into dormancy at the end of their set. So it may have come as a surprise to some when the audience demanded an encore and seemed intent on not leaving until the band graced the stage again. A rare occurrence in times when bands only do encores that are planned, and when audiences are trained to leave when house lights and sound come up.

Set list:

1. Unknown (new one? for a possible new album? I'm holding my breath!)

2. Crazy-Maker (I'm Still in Love with Your Eyes) (short version with no drums, Pat Ramos played mouth organ)

3. My Adidas

4. Raining

5. River

6. Mirror, Mirror

7. Blade of Grass

8. You'll Be Sorry

9. Shangri-La

10. Jealous

11. Morning Glory

12. Double Suicide (Mercy Killing) (<-this is for all the couples out there)

13. Spastic Reaction

14. Linus

On Retiring:
I hate all these news reports on TV about retirement and long-term life planning and having a nest egg at retirement. They crunch numbers, calculate years and show percentages, and present depressing conclusions.

I never plan to be there, these are things that don't concern me. But there's a feeling in me, a twinge, I think it's located in the thinnest, outer-most layer of my skin, that reacts to these reports and instinctively looks at my position and considers where I fit in with these numbers and statistics and percentages. Am I safe? Am I saving enough for a nest egg at retirement? But no, I'm not going there.

I guess that's human, though, the survival instinct. Just because I have a survival instinct, doesn't mean I intend to survive. And I've been through all the arguments, this isn't angst and this isn't lightly stated, and everybody who has broached the subject in the last who-knows-however-many-years has brought nothing new to the table.

I'm just of real sad folk and
'85 was our best year and
she says it gets much worse before
it gets any better
so I take it with a grain of salt
for the other means I
wonder why it doesn't keep her up at night
like it does me
-Rilo Kiley ('85)