I think I'll head into another "alcoholic phase". It's in quotes because my alcoholicism has never been a problem. It's never been what it is to other people who have a problem with it. It's another paradigm that's different from what it seems most people live.

I finished that bottle of 151 rum, and I'm letting myself be "hooked". The thing is that 151 rum will seer your tastebuds off and deaden your nerves to any lesser alcohol. Raiding the liquor cabinet of a 1.75l bottle of cheap gin and the stuff is like water now. The effect only comes much later, much slower.

I have my practice. I have my journey, my "quest". But I also have my madness, my self-destruction. It's lovely, really. I'm not bi-polar, really. It all makes perfect sense to me, really. They're the same thing, really. If I wasn't mad and self-destructive, I couldn't embark on this exploration into existence. If I wasn't pursuing this internal practice and journey, I wouldn't be mad and self-destructive.

The end result is something in the middle.

Just kidding, the end result is the practice, the journey, and getting beyond the tool of self-destruction. The self-destruction is just a tool.

How easily I could let this blog slip into being a mental health blog, and become dark, negative, self-absorbed. I have blogs like that bookmarked, and I can relate to them, but becoming like that wouldn't be accurate. It was years ago, but not now. And I could never be that forthright about my mental health, and even less inclined to subject myself to the system again.

Why let myself slip into another alcoholic phase when I know I don't need to? I guess I want to. Holy fucking shit, am I depressed? I don't get depressed. If I'm depressed, that would really suck.

current soundtrack:
1. Rocket From a Bottle (XTC)
2. Voices (Cheap Trick)
3. The Message (Bela Fleck & the Flecktones)
4. What You Don't Know About Women ("City of Angels")
5. It's a Mistake (Men At Work)
6. Knives Out (Radiohead)
7. Mother (The Police)
8. A Show of Hands (Victor Wooten)
9. My Name is Mud (Primus)
10. Symphony No. 38, III. Finale (Presto) (Mozart)