"Why would anybody want to spend a bunch of money to sit down in the theatre and have nothing happen to them? I don't understand why they'd want to go and have a safe, pleasant experience which they can forget about as soon as they leave the theatre. What a waste of this powerful thing called life." - Edward Albee

Stupid me. For a second there, I thought he was talking about life. But in my reading, he was.

I get to go for an HIV test tomorrow in case I decide to go for that language course in Taipei. I'm still undecided about the course, but knowing myself, the more I do things to prepare "just in case", the more momentum I'm picking up to go for it, despite any other factors.

And quite honestly, there aren't many "other factors". Go!

This will be the second HIV test I've gotten. I won't say anything about the ridiculous circumstances in which I got my first one, except that at my interview, the woman was *this* close to asking me what the hell was I doing there. My answers placed me in the lowest risk category. At this point, I guarantee I would be in the no risk category.

And as long as I'm moving forward with that, I'll schedule a doctor's appointment for a general check-up. I got a reference from my brother. I get to see how my liver is doing. And as far as I'm concerned, it's none of my family's business that I'm even going, much less whatever results come back.

I've started using falling asleep as a mental rehearsal for dying again. It's a little more focused than before. Before I just tried tracing my consciousness into sleepingness. Never succeeded.

This time around I'm trying to get myself more in the mindset of preparing to die. That this is it. I have some ailment and this is it, no waking up. Fade to black and that's all folks. It's not a choice. There's no choosing to live, no gambling that maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, maybe I won't.

I project out into all reality and existence I'm familiar with and attached to and overwhelm myself that this is it, this will all be gone. Even if there is an objective reality, my particular view of and take on it was purely subjective. It will be completely gone, erased. I trace my consciousness while falling asleep, telling myself this is the last glimpse of this material reality I will ever have from this subjective perspective.

I project out into it, and it also comes cascading back into me. I did treat physical reality as actual. It was real to me; the sensations, the experience. It was me. My life was me. It all gets sucked back into my mind.

Overwhelming, but stay relaxed. Remember being happy. Remember to be happy. I'm not a happy person. The final analysis of my natural being is that I'm not happy. I'm pretty miserable. So I need to make an extra concerted effort into remembering happiness to push my mind into blissfulness. Why? Do you want to die miserable? I don't.

current soundtrack:
1. Nisei Fight Song (Seam)
2. My Name is Mud (Primus)
3. Love (John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band)
4. Dovey (Throwing Muses)
5. New Feeling (Talking Heads)
6. Image Change (Elastica)
7. Your Time is Gonna Come (Led Zeppelin) i swear i'm not making this up
8. Larks Tongue in Aspic, part I (King Crimson)
9. Breakthrough (Modest Mouse)
10. It's Still Rock and Roll to Me (Billy Joel)