First Day of Class

Now if that heading doesn't bode for a boring post, I don't know what does.

Every day it seems I'm filled to the brim with questions about what I'm doing here, what justifies this existence? I am happy as I can be in the moment to moment, which is pretty happy, feeling liberated as I can even though I know I'm not. The fabric of existence is still torment and filled with unanswerable questions.

Right before I left to come here, I bought the "Scientific American" special edition on time. Only a few good articles. Yes, the nature of time has always confounded me, but it never seemed like something that could be pinned down for investigation. But if not time, then why try to pin down existence? So yes, time is getting added to the pantheon of meditations, starting with "why do we remember the past, but not the future?". Whoa, dude.

I realize what I'm doing now is what I should have been doing seven months ago when I left the monastery, instead of simply writing off that I wouldn't be entering one. This is what I was supposed to be doing, this is what I told the monks I would be doing to see if I really wanted to be a part of the material world or continue on the monastic path.

I know I definitely don't want to be a part of the material world. The headaches and distractions make returning to the monastery appealing again. But if I can maintain this and just live reclusively, that feels most attractive.

First day of classes, I have no desire to meet people or be social or have anything to do with anyone else's life unless there is a fierce resonant connection.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Stop Your Sobbing (live) (The Kinks)
2. The Lowest Part is Free (live) (Archers of Loaf)
3. Life Begins at the Hop (XTC)
4. I Want You (Elvis Costello & the Attractions)
5. Symphony No. 6, I. Allegro ma non troppo (Beethoven)
6. Symphony No. 10, IV. Andante-Allegro (Shostakovich)
7. William's Cut (Kristin Hersh)
8. Peek-A-Boo (Siouxsie & the Banshees)
9. Slip Away (David Bowie)
10. Interlude Libation, the Water Ritual (Bela Fleck & the Flecktones)