I've been alright. I don't like how I started thinking about the monastery again when things were feeling bad. It means I'm thinking of going for the wrong reason. Wrong reason for me. For someone else it might be a totally valid reason.
If things are going OK on the outside, then I don't want to go? What is this all saying about me? I'm trying to find some sort of "ground state". At that ground state, I can stay out or I can go, but I won't be batted around by my external circumstances and my reaction to them. I'm still considering what that ground state is and what it means, though. I'm not entirely sure.
Studies are still frustrated and frustrating. I'm still kicking myself for coming to Taiwan because suddenly it's not so easy to pack up and leave. And it is. Just pack up what I want to take, ship what I can't pack, and give away the little daily knick-knacks I've had to buy for daily function and organization.
Leave to where? Right, monastery. But no ground state yet. The ground state where I can comfortably go without being motivated by my negativity to the outside world.
Things are still nice with my Sadie here. We still enjoy each other's company in particular, but I know it won't last and I know it will change. The latest development I'm watching is how when she refers to her boyfriend as "boyfriend", I feel that gagging, wrenching in my chest. It's actually kind of funny, like when Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) got his crank yanked the wrong way on that old TV show 'Taxi'.
But I run through my relationship meditations and realize I wouldn't want anything to happen between us, and I'm thoroughly relieved that she has that boyfriend. My relationship meditations are all the steps involved in getting into a relationship and the consequences and asking myself is it what I really want?
The answer always becomes "no" when it gets to "Do I want to wake up with her?", implying having my time and space stifled by someone else, the loss of freedom of having to attend to someone else. Most people have no problem with this, I shouldn't wonder, since the alternative involves a loneliness that I don't feel. Not in the morning, at least.
I usually don't even get past "Do I want to have sex with her?", because not only does that lead to waking up with her, but sex isn't just sex in this meditation. It includes the responsibilities it brings, the attachment, interaction and entanglement. No thanks.
My latest meditation for dealing with my negativity is so simple that it's easy to be mistaken as simplistic. I know I've used the term "generating joy" or something similar before, I don't know why it's such a revelation now to actually try and do it. It may be that I just haven't been ready to apply it, or I've reached a level where the concept is actually useful. Before now, I wasn't able to or wasn't prepared to.
First of all, I think it was necessary to have the mindfulness practice and training in place for these past several years. Without it, I'm not sure it can be done. The practice is to try to always dwell in mindfulness, always bringing my mind back to awareness of myself, my surroundings, and my feelings, and not getting carried away by them.
In simple terms, the joy generation meditation just actively adds active joy generation to the practice of mindfulness. The ability to generate joy artificially, whether it be real or imagined, may be the hard part. I sure can't explain how to do it, or why I've suddenly come to do it or understand it.
But joy generation piggybacks on the mindfulness. Whenever mindful awareness is there, I mentally imagine a glow in my abdomen which is a fountain of joy. BE HAPPY NOW. Or be positive now, or be compassionate now, or be forebearing now, or be tolerant now, etc., etc.
And especially kick this in when I feel annoyed at someone or a situation. It has already worked. Instead of getting caught up in my negative feeling and being debilitated, I can smile at what's bothering me and respond in a way that makes me feel much better.
For example, annoying person in my class. Instead of shooting a nasty look and avoiding a return gaze, the joy generation allows me to not be defensive and look at him directly and laugh or smile at whatever idiot thing he was doing, and not being confrontational.
In other words, the positivity generated flows out around me. A good feeling. I don't know how long I'll be able to maintain this, but that's OK. It's practice. In fact, this afternoon, I totally shut it down at lunch and put two big red X's on two of the people who were getting on my fucking nerves.
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1. Drive My Car (The Beatles)
2. Rudie Can't Fail (The Clash)
3. Penelope (Pinback)
4. Little Mascara (The Replacements)
5. Truth Hits Everybody (The Police)
6. You Had Time (Ani DiFranco)
7. I Might Be Wrong (Radiohead)
8. Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On) (live) (Talking Heads)
9. Isn't He Something! ("Bounce" - Sondheim)
10. Mas Que Nada (Ruben Mitchell - ultralounge)
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