So she’s been using me to fill her days and evenings. Chump that I am, I fell for it. Which is fine, I'm glad for it. I learned some.
I learned further that I can never be in a relationship again. It’s hard as hell being with someone else for such long stretches of time. In the end, I felt I was boring and frustrating her with my non-existent Mandarin language abilities. Her English is better than her Mandarin, but she’s here to learn Mandarin. Furthermore, because of her better English ability, she can engage in a higher level of discourse which means a higher expenditure of mental energy. It's still not her native language, she still has to place more effort than when she speaks Korean. Talking to me wears her out.
More importantly, in the end I didn’t like myself when I was with her. There’s a point in extended social interactions that I start to lose myself and my identity. I start to feel like a window or a camera, and she is a subject that is being watched, but not by me.
I don’t exist. There’s no identity behind this window, just an impartial observer.
I ask myself what's the point of me doing this, and there is no subjective point to this. This isn't doing anything for me or for what I'm doing here, i.e., why I'm not at the monastery, blah, blah, blah.
I'm not getting known any better. I start saying the stupidest things thinking it might be something she might want to hear, but then it turns out not to be and it ends up just being a stupid thing to say. I think I end up doing that to everybody.
And I think I might be a downright patronizing fuck. I don’t think so, obviously, or else I wouldn’t do it, but that might be how I come across.
I don’t know how things will change now that I know what’s been going on.
We have to ease off the close interaction. Shouldn’t be hard. We’re just classmates. I doubt she’ll call this weekend (if she did I’d still want to hang out with her, I’m weak like that). Monday I have an excuse to not be able to make it to lunch (have to make flight plans), and Tuesday I have an afternoon class that makes going to lunch too tight a squeeze.
iTunes soundtrack:
1. Fixing A Hole (The Beatles)
2. The Man Who Sold the World (David Bowie)
3. The Tourist (Radiohead)
4. Big Wave (Southern All-Stars)
5. Summer Madness (Princess Princess)
6. Kimi Ga Iru Dake de (Kome Kome Club)
7. Dancing Nancies (Dave Matthews Band)
8. Concerto No. 1, I. Allegretto (Shostakovich)
9. Gratitude (The Maupin/Williams Project)
10. Yesterday is Here (live) (Tom Waits)
