I wonder if it's suicide that I'm thinking I need to get out of my system before I can commit to the monastic path. In my mind, ordination necessarily means absolutely no more thoughts in that direction. If that's the case, good luck. It makes sense, though.

Maybe one more real attempt, fail, and then go to the root monastery satisfied that I did all I could. But I've been down this road before, and I know it doesn't work like that, so maybe I should change it to: one more real attempt, fail, and then go to the root monastery miserable, still not wanting to continue in this particular life. Bleah.

Thoughts of suicide make me happy, though. They make me feel solid. They lift my spirits up and make me dance the cha-cha. And I can be unself-conscious writing about it because we all know my suicides are fake.

So I go back to New Jersey in July. August comes and TNH's North American speaking tour begins in Massachussetts. I hop on a bus to New England, but instead of meeting up with the community (having no plans to meet up with them in the first place), I go directly to Cape Cod and implement the old San Francisco plan. No thought, just immediate execution as soon as I get there and night falls.

Sounds good, it's now officially an option.

I’ve booked my flight back to New Jersey. I leave here on July 12, about three weeks from now. What has made the past 12 months worth living? Entering a monastery would not deal with the fundamental issues that resolve that nothing, nada, in the past 12 months makes life worth living. By extension, the last 12 years, by extension, the past 36 years. There is some basic, wonderful truth somewhere in that.

Why look for worth? Why look for meaning? What is meaning? Why can’t I just go to the root monastery and get back on the path to ordination? Why can’t I just let go? As I type this on my laptop, listening to 209 David Bowie songs shuffled on my iPod. Go to the root monastery and let go of everything, everything that pretends that I have an individual self, an identity, desires, wants, cravings.

I’m leaving here in about three weeks. I don’t know what I will be doing after my brother’s wedding a week and a half after that. I just know I told the community that I won’t be going directly to the root monastery because something is preventing me from whole-heartedly requesting aspirancy to become a monastic. Something is still blocking me. Becoming a monastic would not somehow miraculously make life worth living, make me want to live.

Maybe I’ll go to San Francisco, I’m still waiting to hear back from a Tibetan place where I heard I can rent a small room. San Francisco = suicide.

Maybe I’ll go to Nagasaki. But I realize out of all the things I want to do, which includes learning Japanese, nothing is more boring than language study. Nagasaki = what the hell?

Maybe it will kick in that I should just request aspirancy and go to the root monastery. Aspirancy = giving up.

Momentum. Not going directly to the root monastery in August? It doesn’t seem real, but it’s happening. People are already talking like I know what I’m doing. Have the monastics seen this before, and are not expecting me back? Probably they really don’t care because people come and go all the time, and as non-committal as I’ve been, they haven’t put much energy into me. If I told them I was leaving and not coming back, it would be no loss to them.

I already feel like I’ve fallen off. My mind is already half out of here. This is supposed to be just a step to get me clear on the monastic path and back on it. Why do I feel like I’ve given up? Good riddance, no one is encouraging me to stay on the path, but the path is something I need to be on by my own will. I have my own will, but it’s not the kind that would keep me on the path.

All I had to do was request aspirancy. So simple, but something stopped me. I’ve been trying to get in touch with the feeling that stopped me; I’ve been trying to get in touch with the cause of the feeling, the root. I’ve gotten close, but it eludes me. Maybe something is chasing me, my demons. Or maybe I’m chasing after something, something to resolve, and not having resolved it, I would fail as a monk. I would always have this issue disturbing my practice. But something is pulling me. It stopped me from requesting aspirancy.

I’m trying to realize what my feelings are now. Monasticism has always been at the back of my mind as an ideal lifestyle. Then it became the only living alternative. Now I’m not able to step forward. How do I feel? There’s still nothing I want to do, no one I want to be with, no where I want to go. The 3-5 months are ostensibly to get clear about the monastic path and get back on it. It may also be a time to once more attempt the now euphemistic “plan A”. San Francisco still an option. Nagasaki is not not an option, but certain causes and conditions need to arise. And then Taiwan is only a last resort if Plan A fails again.

I'm not positive I'll take the time off from the monastery after my brother's wedding, but once an idea like that takes off and gains momentum, it's hard to stop it. Now I'm pretty convinced that I will take the time off, even if the community opines that it's a really bad idea. It is my decision to make, they'd be the first ones to remind me that.

I'm even excited about it, although I have to remind myself this isn't a debaucherous bender. The design will be solitary, but with much engagement into the drudgery of material life. It feels like several months of being free from the constrictions of monastic living, but it's also several months of leaving the carefree freedom of monastic living. Give and take.

Draft:

Dear Thay, dear respected Sangha,

I am writing this letter because several brothers have indicated their concern to me regarding the ambiguity of my aspirancy. I have been working on my own to understand the nature of this perception, and have, finally, been able to arrive at the same conclusion for myself.

I do feel that I am on an aspirant path, in that I am walking on a path that looks to be heading towards ordination, but I recognize now that it appears to be a flaky aspirant path. I do not appear clear on the aspirant path to myself in that I do not have a proactive reason why I am on this path that I can present to myself and others. I theoretically feel the pull towards ordination for the purpose of living my life in a way that benefits all sentient beings. I directly understand the push from behind towards ordination to leave ordinary, mundane, material life and cut the attendant attachments in pursuit of a deeper understanding and experience of life and existence. But I do not have an answer for why me? and why now? Why is this so urgent that I can make a life decision about it? What is my true understanding of what I am doing? How am I going to find these answers?

However, I do not believe the source of my ambiguity in requesting aspirancy necessarily lies in the nature of the path or anything about it, or my relationship or attitude on it. Rather, it is a simple but tedious personality issue. Something in me needs to transform so that I can get clear, confident, and solid and express that clarity, confidence, and solidity.

Currently, I am considering not going directly to Plum Village after my brother’s wedding in July, but staying out in material life for 3-5 months before going to Plum Village, with the express purpose of holding it in my mind why I am not clear about my aspirancy, and getting to that point of clarity, whereby I can go to Plum Village and request without reservation or ambiguity to be considered an aspirant for the purpose of ordaining as a monk.

In making this decision, I am considering whether, for me, this transformation can get the proper stimulus at Deer Park or Plum Village to occur, and if not, why? What, if anything, am I unable to let go of now that might be obscuring the issue for me? Why do I feel that the transformation can occur through several months out in material life if it can’t happen here?

I welcome and request the community’s feedback and wisdom regarding these issues. I realize that the final decision is my own, but I would like to know where the community’s support and blessing would lie for either going directly to Plum Village or delaying going there for 3-5 months.

With deep gratitude and respect,
June 2, 2005, Deer Park Monastery

One of the brothers didn't get my brand of subtlety in this letter. Another liked this one better than the one I ended up submitting.

It's a cool and spitty day in the San Diego area. I thought San Diego was like the Bay Area with rain all but non-existent after the rainy season ended. Guess not. Miserable and spitty day. Most of the community decided to go to the beach of all places. I'm glad I declined.

Instead, I stayed and wrote a letter to the community about my being unclear about my aspirancy. I presented my thoughts about not going directly to the root monastery after my brother's wedding, and staying out for 3-5 months to try to get clear; not going to the root monastery until I got clear, not go to the root monastery as a flaky aspirant.

I'll show the letter to a few brothers to get feedback before presenting it to the community, since this idea popped up on Tuesday, and I'm still not sure what I think about it. I'm not going to present it through my so-called mentor, because I realize that with my flaky aspirancy, he probably doesn't consider me his mentee. That's reasonable. Frees me up.

As for the 3-5 months of getting clear on my aspirancy, I'm thinking what else I could do if Nagasaki ends up not being feasible. Hanging out in the New Jersey area is out of the question, no. Travel? Go to Tibet like my cousin suggested?

Then I thought why not go back to San Francisco and try out that quasi-hermit idea I had way back when? Doing that would have the best leads for a place to live and best opportunities if I decided to work part-time. Not as exotic as Nagasaki, but definitely less distracting. Oh, and I'd be back in San Francisco. Guess what tired subject becomes part of the equation again. It was just about exactly a year ago, wasn't it?

Getting clear about aspirancy, eh? Like looking into a fogged mirror and wiping it clear with a cloth. Maybe it's not monastic aspirancy I'm trying to get clear. To be a monk, serving all beings through the monastic lifestyle needs to be our highest aspiration. Whenever I asked myself what my highest aspiration was, monasticism was always second highest. My highest aspiration, my true passion on this path is elsewhere. So if I end up in San Francisco, I'll be trying to get clear about that aspirancy as well.

I'm trying to get my head clear
I push things out through my mouth
But get refilled through my ears
-I. Brock "Heart Cooks Brain"

It is my mentor here who has had a bug up his butt about me being clear on my aspirancy. Unfortunately, he's right (it finally sunk in). I thought he was just being dodgy. I didn't think there was any issue about my aspirancy; I'm here now as an aspirant, ain't I? I'm here saying I'm on the path to becoming a monk, sounds like I'm "aspiring" to be a monk, eh?

So when he kept on saying on behalf of the community that they weren't sure what my status was, that's where the trap was. I could have said, "oh, is that all there is to it?", and written a letter stating, Dear Community, it is my highest aspiration to dedicate my life to the liberation and enlightenment of all sentient beings. I am therefore requesting that the monks of Deer Park/Plum Village consider me an Aspirant on the path towards becoming a monk, with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto attached.

Instead, drawing on my law school education, Evidence class to be precise, I said, If you see something that looks like a duck, walks like a duck, flies like a duck, and swims like a duck, what do you call it? The common sense answer is: a duck. But in law school, that is not the answer. My mentor could have been a lawyer.

It finally sunk in that my inability to plainly and simply request aspirancy, i.e., the community being unclear about my aspirancy, is really my own lack of clarity regarding aspirancy. Damn!

I thought I was clear. I considered myself an aspirant. If they wanted to consider me an aspirant, they were free to. If they didn't, they were free to do that, too. But now I can see that I'm not clear. And that's why I feel I need to go out again to get clear.

I don't know yet why I need to go away to get clear; why I can't do it here. I'll be sitting on that for the next few days

I woke up with a loud chatter in my head. Tendrils and wisps descending from the sky to obscure my way as I walked to morning sitting at 5:30. Walking meditation. A slow, mindful walk in the crisp, quiet mountain air, the loud twitter of birds competing with the loud chatter in my head. Morning sitting was competent, but chattery and jittery. What am I doing here?

Mind assaulted by doubts. What did I hope to accomplish by coming to the monastery when I knew I couldn’t get away from myself. The demons that came up on the outside were sure to come up again here. And how.

I'm thinking about heading back out into the world for several months before really thinking about ordination. I don't want to continue this flaky aspirancy which will no doubt culminate in flaky ordination because I didn't get myself clear. I do have to be clear, though, on what I think leaving will accomplish in getting myself clear.

I'm thinking of going to Japan for three months after my brother's wedding, instead of going straight to the root monastery in France. I'm thinking of Nagasaki since I really did find that city to my taste much more than other Japanese cities. I have no logistics yet, so I have no idea if I'm serious about this.

The idea is that when I go to the root monastery, I'm very clear about my aspiration to be a monk, enough so that I can at least get the words out of my mouth, "I would like to request consideration to become an aspirant," which I haven't been able to do here. I've just assumed I'm an aspirant and expected everyone else to assume the same.

I swear
The next person who tells me to follow my heart or do whatever makes me happy, I'm gonna kill myself.

I got a great phonecall from my mother the other day. She called to tell me that the monastery will want to send me to "religion school", and if they do, I should insist on paying for it myself, or if they offered me a scholarship, I should refuse it and say that I'll pay for it myself.

I frankly told her that there were no plans to send me to "religion school", and then she clarified it and she meant the monastic training in France. Her little delusion of a mythical "religion school" was pretty amusing, but her calling the aspirant training "religion school" is equally amusing.

She went on to explain that if I let them pay for it, they would have control over me and they would send me anywhere they wanted to. So I should not let them pay for anything and my parents would cover any expenses.

I didn't tell her that, even if her little scenario had any basis in truth, I would prefer to be controlled by the monastery for having paid my way, than having my parents control me for having paid my way.

The monastery does, in fact, cover travel expenses for aspirants, no strings attached if we decide against the monastic path, but I'm thinking of letting my parents cover my flight to France. If they want to be idiots about it, let them pay for it. Oops, eyes of compassion, eyes of compassion. Learn to look at parents through eyes of compassion.

Whenever I try to look at my parents through the eyes of compassion, it turns into eyes of pity and disdain.

It is a distinct possibility, if not probability, that I will end up ordaining at Plum Village. I gather this from looking at the patterns in my life. I naturally tend towards personal entropy. My typical MO for making life decisions has been to wait until the last minute then flip a coin (all the while agonizing over the decision, no doubt).

I can trace the pattern back to a relationship I was in once that was so boring that it wasn’t even worth breaking up until eight months after I decided I wanted to break up. It was at that time I floated through law school simply because I found myself there. I didn’t quit my job for more than a year after talking about quitting my job simply because I was there. Same with leaving San Francisco, same with quitting the band I was in, same with coming to the monastery, etc., etc.

So I’m thinking I’m here at the monastery now. If nothing comes up to proactively remove me off the path, I'll most likely just float on through, just being here, which is what I do best, and when it comes time to make a decision to ordain, I'll just say, hey, why not?, this is perfect, this is what I want to do.

Not a great reason to ordain. Also a perfect reason to ordain. Why can't things just be simple? Oh yea, they are. Beautiful.

I’m happy. I’m fucking happy. The atmosphere at this monastery is just fucking incredible and is very conducive to being happy and joyful. You don’t know where the happiness is coming from, it’s just in the fabric of the place. Unity, community, harmony, brotherhood and sisterhood, also known as “bristerhood”, and sometimes it’s just downright playful.

A brother related an incident once when a Tibetan monk stayed here for a week, and at the end, he really lit into the brothers here. He criticized the monastic philosophy here for too much emphasis on happiness. My comment on the anecdote was that I understand where the Tibetan monk was coming from, but that he was also missing the point.

I think the point of the Tibetan monk was that, as monks, practice should be more austere, more serious, more concentrated and contemplative, and it should go deeper into the mind and the nature of existence and being. I actually agree with that. There’s a whole pantheon of esoteric practice in the Tibetan tradition that is available, and the monks here don’t even touch it. We don’t even deal with death very effectively.

But on the other hand, it seemed like what he was saying might be restated as, “As monks, you should be working towards enlightenment, not happiness”. The monks here took what he said to heart, but in the end, what’s wrong with happiness? Can you have too much happiness? What were the monks supposed to say? "Sorry"?

Besides, the Tibetan monk was only here for a week, and that’s not enough to really get to know a practice. If the Tibetan monk stayed for several months, a year, or several years, who knows if he might end up finding it difficult to leave. And we have had monks from other traditions who have come to visit for a week and were blown away by the atmosphere and practice here. They didn’t want to leave after only a week. But again, you still can’t know a practice after one week, and we would caution that it may be great after one week, but after two weeks or three weeks, or longer, they might start itching to get back to their own tradition, the one they’re familiar with and the path they’ve found.

In the end, these are all Dharma doors, different paths for different types of people to think through the nature of reality, of being here, of living; get under the skin of the big questions we have about life that has led us to the practice, with no guarantee that we’ll find the answer. There is a reason for the esoteric practices of Tibetan schools, but there is also a reason for the cultivation of mindfulness, harmony, and happiness of this school of Zen. There’s a reason to remain lay practitioners or to become academics to learn about and spread the teachings and philosophies. You don’t even need to be acquainted with the Buddhadharma. You don't need to be "Buddhist".

This is all coming from someone whose personal proclamation is that happiness is not a goal in life. But as the quote goes There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. There’s a permutation of the quote using “peace” (There is no way to peace, peace is the way). And one with burritos.

You know how they say if you have a lot of money, and you have a lot of friends because they are attracted to you because of your money, that they're not real friends, that they are only your friends as long as you have money, and you won't be able to rely on them when luck goes south?

My mother and father aren't my parents. Their money is my parents! I was raised by their money. Really.

I guess that's better than having a test tube for parents, though.

I had a rubber stamp made out saying “OBSTACLE”. Now when I encounter difficulties or doubts on the path, I just pull out the rubber stamp and stamp them as obstacles, and know that they are not real and I can just move on. It’s like going for a run in the woods, when you come across a log or a rock blocking the path. You assess the obstacle, find your way around it, and continue on. 

So if I have difficulty with a person and it bothers me, I take out my rubber stamp and stamp “OBSTACLE” on his forehead and continue on. Sometimes I’ll have difficulty with a person or an issue, and it will produce negative thoughts and thinking in my head, at which point I’ll stamp “OBSTACLE” on his forehead and my own, and continue on. 

It works well with the littlest thing, like someone not cleaning up properly, or missing a responsibility, or when the schedule changes. As for bigger things, of course, sometimes when you’re out for a run in the woods, you come across a boulder that you can’t find your way around. But I think if you come across a boulder you can’t get past, you are no longer on the path, and you should turn around and find your way back to the path.

WordsCharactersReading time

It used to be all about location. Location was so important for aiding in satisfaction. Then it was it's not where you are, but who you're with. Any location can be wonderful if you're there with the person you want to be there with. Then it became, it's not who you're with, but who you are. The location can be ideal or not ideal, the person you're with can be great, but if you aren't settled in who you are, you can still muck everything up.

I love when I realize the obvious.

It’s almost a month since I’ve been back at the monastery, supposedly as an aspirant, but I haven’t written my “letter of aspirancy” yet. They still don’t have a statement of my intentions here. If I go to the root monastery in France to really get into training as an aspirant, they don’t know what to tell the monastics there to give them an idea who I am or where I’m coming from. I haven’t written my letter because of distractions and doubts, but most of them have cleared out, and I think I’m ready to write that letter.

My doubts about the monastic path haven’t been helped by the community here, which has started to feel like a frontier monastery, way out in the wilderness, with saloons serving up shots of soy milk and law and order maintained by the sheriff-abbot. It is far removed from the “real deal” of the root monastery where Thich Nhat Hanh’s presence is enough to keep the monastic philosophy in line with the principles and ideals.

But I realize I’m not here to make friends or be chummy with the monks. We’re all here on our separate paths, bound by a common theoretical philosophy, but really what I’m doing on my path has little or nothing to do necessarily with what they’re doing on their path. The monastery is just a vehicle.

Furthermore, I’m not here looking towards ordination. That's just something I don't know, so I can't be worried or stressed about it, or even whether I’m here "sincerely" as an aspirant. I’m here. That’s the point. I came here to find out if I want to ordain. If I’m faltering this way and that, I’m still here trying to figure it out. If I fall off the path and leave, that’s when I know I shouldn’t be here and need to leave. Until then, all I need to remember is that I’m still here. I am neither thinking of ordaining or thinking of not ordaining.

I think the community here has taken me as far as they can as an aspirant. Now they just need my input to formulate, as a community, what they will tell the brothers in Plum Village for me to go there. I’m ready to go now, or as soon as I submit my letter, but I have a wedding to go to in July (not my own, I hope), so I might stick around here until then, and then fly directly to France after the wedding. There are a lot of possible options, though, so I won’t project on what might happen. I might fall completely off the path and go to Tucson or ex-pat in Taiwan for a while to find out if I’m really sure about ordaining.

On the monastic path, there is often what is called the “great doubt”, requiring “great determination” to get past it. The Plum Village system is much gentler and kinder and doesn’t phrase things as dramatically. Instead, the question an aspirant constantly faces is, “Are you sure?”. And it’s a pretty frightening question if you think about it, since it’s a decision for the rest of your life. Are you sure? Fuck no!, came the early reply. Now, it is more like, no, not yet.

I don’t like someone. It’s not really acceptable at the monastery to dislike someone else. It’s not a rule, there’s no requirement to like everybody or not dislike anybody, but it’s something I glean from the environment here.

If you don’t like someone, you can’t just accept it and let it be and continue disliking the person, you have to engage it. And then what? Like the person? Not.

I think you don’t have to like everybody, but when you really dislike someone, you have to engage it and transform it to reach some understanding that keeps peace within oneself, within the other person, and within the community.

So I’m working on it with this person. He’s the other monastic aspirant here. Actually, no that’s not right. He’s not the “other aspirant”. The monks think there are two aspirants here, there aren’t. I’m the only aspirant, even if he ends up ordaining and I don't. The other guy is a monastic cadet, as in “space cadet”.

Whoops, I just failed.

So I’m working on it with this person. I’m starting with baby steps and I think I’ve had a good day when I get through it without calling him “Blondie”.

Damn, try it again.

So I’m working on it with this person, but really all I want to do is beat him senseless with a plastic whiffle ball bat. Man, would that feel good!

Like I've said before, so far as I've found, there is nothing in the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead that condemns suicide. Which makes sense since the book is about the death process, not about how one gets there or any so-called moral implications of how one got there.

Nor has my recent read, Thich Nhat Hanh's No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life, given any indication that death is anything other than death. It's a brilliant, philosophical treatise on death and the nature of life from a Buddhist point of view, and quite honestly, everything he writes to help people understand death in the context of life is just as applicable to suicides.

In other words, if a person understands what he is writing about death, and how there is no death, just manifestation and transformation, then they have looked deeply enough to understand that suicide is also not death. Even if you understand that you are intricately and intimately connected with everyone and everything around you, there is still no moral condemnation of suicide.

Honestly, I'm not hung up on suicide. I don't know why it's on my brain. Honestly, it's never been off. It's like an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who had such an impact on you that you can't imagine that they hadn't crossed your mind at least once a day since you broke up. I can't point to every instance I've thought about it everyday, but I'm sure it's been there every day.

You'd think that enlightenment would have some effect on my ideas about suicide. It doesn't. But, oh yea, I'm not enlightened. But if I was, and who is to say I'm not (really, it's the easiest thing in the world), I don't think it would have any effect on my ideas about suicide. If I ever change my ideas on suicide, I hope I'd kill myself. Whoops, no self to kill.

At The Huntington Botanical Gardens, Los Angeles.


Phap Khoi got immediately creative with the self-portrait idea.

I had a migraine this weekend, only the second time I've had a migraine in my life. Not pleasant. I don't know how people who get them regularly deal with it. I would have killed myself a long time ago. Hahaha. No really, it makes me feel weak.

Interesting point is that a lot of brain images and visuals that came up during migraine pain were not that different than general ones that come up. Migraine is being sick. So am I sick in general? Hahaha. No really, am I?

I don't know why I would get migraines. Not everyone gets them, I know, and I think people get them for specific reasons. I wonder if mine are stress related, but I wonder what that stress would be. I don't think it is the general monastic consideration, since that has been ongoing and not a particular source of huge stress yet. Yet.

It may have been connected to the fact that I got another guest put in my room at the monastery for two weeks. Coincidence that I get a guest and, boom, migraine hits after a full night of not being able to sleep? Really, I'm thinking that the no-privacy aspect of the monastic community here will be one of my biggest obstacles to ordaining.

Am I really ready to live with people who don't close the door when they pee, and find peeing a convenient time to fart as well? Things I don't need to hear. Close the damn bathroom door! (practicing equanimity and letting go of ego, practicing equanimity and letting go of ego). Or as one monk mentioned, living with someone who cuts his toenails on the carpet and says he'll vacuum it up later, but you know he won't. I almost asked who it was, but I knew he wouldn't name names.

Or maybe the migraine was related to the glaring realization that my happiness is a very lonely thing. How many times have I heard people say that they want me to do what makes me happy, knowing that it is their way of creating a distance?

I want you to do what makes you happy, with no regard to them, because my happiness has nothing to do with them or being close to them. It's their way of letting me know they're cutting me loose.

People who want you close don't tell you to do whatever makes you happy without indicating that they want themselves somewhere in your plans. This is not self-pity, I recognize this as my karma, the effect of some cause that I need to work out, a problem.