I've been so conflicted recently.

If I feel any attraction towards living this particular life, I should live it. Because even though I believe in reincarnation and that dying is a passage, the next life won't be this life. If I can look at specific aspects of this life that I want to exploit, this is the only chance.

It's still not to be attached to. Those things I might want to exploit, things that I want to explore, things that I still want to experience, I might be able to do better in another life; better able, better qualified.

I've made such a mess of this life. Not as bad as many, but nevertheless. I don't mean that cynically, or bitterly, or self-pityingly. It's just the result of how I've lived it, having lived with suicide a professed goal. It's a mess because of decisions I've made, large and small, always having it in mind that I was going to kill myself.

What if things turned out different so that it wasn't a mess? What if I found love, if I found friends, if I found community, if I found a band? Wouldn't I not want to commit suicide, therefore invalidating this belief that it's a mystical compulsion that I have to do to move on in my path?

Maybe so, but then I'd be on a vastly different path. Where I am in life now and the mess I've made of it isn't just a matter of situation or circumstance. It is the result of a carefully put together web, a scaffold framework.

All the elements that have sewn a red carpet for suicide thread back through the years. It's not that my situation and life are crap, I'm not even saying that. I've gotten to this point because it's what I've been aiming at all along. The start of the path was years ago, years gone by is the path walked, and here I am ostensibly at path's culmination.

Whether my situation or circumstances might have turned out differently is not an issue.

What the hell was I saying when I started writing this post? Something about being conflicted.