Don't.

Don't email me. Don't call me. Don't stop by.

I'm still alive, but I'm not done yet. Yet.

I'm not convinced yet, even shivering by Castro station, jeans soaked and weighed down with water and sand. Even now my shirt is wet halfway up.

My throat hurts. That sermon wouldn't have convinced anyone. It wasn't meant for anyone else. No one likes to be yelled at.

It's what I thought, it will take several . . . excursions to figure out what I will do, but I admit that each one will decrease the chance that I will do it. Tonight was perfect, what stopped me?

The biggest decision of my life. Not only to do it, but also to not do it. If I do it, that's the biggest decision of my life. If I turn around and walk away, that is also the biggest decision of my life. I'm not convinced either way yet.

Nothing happened. I'm not expecting anything to "happen". Just that I started to consider every little detail, every nuance of the decision, and I'm not done yet, I only began to consider them tonight. To be continued.

Everything, each year, each person, all that I've done, all that I've thought, all that I've felt, nothing should be left unconsidered by the time I decide.

One thing, though. I turned around tonight and came home because I knew I could do it. It wouldn't be that hard. I was soaked, I got swamped, halfway at least, and I knew I could do it. If I had any doubt about that, I would have stayed there longer.

One thing, though. And let's be clear about this. Feelings had nothing to do with my decision. I've already decided on it, that's what I was doing out there in the first place. It wasn't time to feel anymore. It was only time for something to happen. And nothing happened this nochy.