Part of me feels wrecked. Part of me feels affirmation.

I say over and over again that I've failed social connections over and over again in the Bay Area, whether by being unable to make them, or by breaking them. The most solid connections I've had were the Oberlin folks that I came out here for in the first place (and then lost contact with), ie, the ones that go waaay back.

A strange, timely set of "coincidences" in the past week got Nobuko, Ansje and me together tonight, reflecting on the past 11 years. I love these people, the connection was all there. Huge pangs of remorse of how things went.

Ansje and I were never really close, but we've always gotten along and liked each other, but our social interactions were always contingent on some Oberlin gathering. Still, our shared education and views always allowed us to connect really well.

Nobuko and I were much closer, close enough for things to go wrong. I've always loved Nobuko (not romantically), we always had a strong connection, we had incredible discussions at Oberlin and many a time she was able to change my view on something or the other, and our connection continued in the post-Oberlin afterlife.

We lived together in a house with two other Oberlin grads from 1995-1996, the stress of which had us go in different directions and we cut contact for several years, and even after reconnecting, it wasn't the same; sporadic, coincidental meeting up.

I thought our split was mutual, but she made it clear tonight that it wasn't, it was all me. And I believe it, as further discussion revealed how much I had blocked out about that time period, or revised in my memory.

I consider cutting off from Nobuko the single biggest mistake I've made in the Bay Area. Well, maybe going to law school was a bigger mistake. But that's how much she means/meant to me. To me, Nobuko gets uttered in the same breath as Madoka, although the different dynamics in the friendships render different results.

We're born into a given family, and then we go out into the world and find our chosen family. If I could choose my family, Nobuko would definitely be in it. No brainer. We let a lot of water flow under the bridge that we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have.

If we had the reconnection we had tonight a month ago, I would seriously consider not leaving. It felt so good to say something, and have someone know you for so long and so well, that they knew about it and its history. When I mentioned the monastery, she said, "yea, you used to mention that as an option". Affirmation. When I mention it to people I've met more recently, they just go, "cool". Good luck.

It's nice being known.

Eleven years ago, we were young, we were passionate, we were stressed, we were angsty, and I add that eleven years ago I liked who I was a lot more than now. Now, I'm much more at peace and comfortable with myself, but I like it less. That's how it works sometimes.

It's timely that we reconnect when it's too late, when I've made my decision. Just like TK telling me about a job opening at his firm after I gave notice on my apartment, even though he had been mentioning an impending opening since February. I'm meant to leave San Francisco. One way or another.

Nobuko and Ansje's support for me going to a monastery really meant a lot. It makes my current conflictedness much harder, thinking about the "another" way of leaving San Francisco. They even said they would be up for going down to Deer Park Monastery for a week stay when they got the chance. That, too, meant so much; like we were cut from similar cloths, that the experience is something they would be interested in exposing themselves to.

Meaning. Connect, George, connect.