When I go out there next, I need to remember there's a reason why I'm out there. There's a reason why I'm at this point. To back away from it should require some change, some great change in my thinking or being, some realization that must reverse the reason why I'm out there. Short of that, I have to remember this isn't about feeling, it isn't about a moment.

At the same time, I should probably balance it out by asking why it's been so long in getting to this point, why it's been so hard. If I've made it this far, why not further? Hm. The short answer is that I've been giving myself all the chances I deserve, and I needed to be sure. Now I'm sure.

If nothing stopped me from getting to that point, there is nothing to turn back to. Right? I've considered everything that is known to consider. The only thing that I haven't considered is what can't be known – the future. And by example, the future hasn't brought much over the past 15-20 years, why should I trust in it now?

I know I still might fail, but before then I have to keep pushing this, pushing this, pushing this. If I do fail, can I visit you after I leave San Francisco?

current soundtrack: Shostakovich, Symphony No. 10