I'm declaring trying to learn Mandarin a disaster. My teacher, even at Taida, is horrendous and clueless. I'm not going to learn anything from this class or her. I'm going to learn just by studying on my own, which is not going to give me the practice I need implementing the language, which is the key to using it.

Returning to the U.S. has been on my mind for the past week as an absolute plan. I'm thinking of leaving in February, but that may be too soon. Maybe I should give Taida another semester's chance. I do have reason that my teacher is the exception in Taida, and that the rest of the teachers are better.

I'm thinking of leaving in May, I'm thinking of leaving in August. Yes, give notice on my apartment in February, find another place that I'm not allergic to with a six month lease, and if there are no improvements by August, leave.

Leave and go back to New Jersey. Set a time limit there, one month, two months, and then head out to Tucson with no plan other than the idea of finding a job and ignoring everything else in life. If that doesn't pan out, then I have no choice, enter the monastery. Entering the monastery because there are no other options is a perfectly valid reason for me. It may be the only reason for me.

The thing is, right now, I'm not going to be stressed about classes or failed language abilities, I'm not going to let that get to me, I'm not going to be negative about it. Break through that, damn it. I can sit in class and be miserable at the teacher. I won't. I can torment myself over homework and tests. I won't. This doesn't matter. I am me. It doesn't reflect on me or my being. It has nothing to do with my life.

I'm not going to do well in this class, just accept that. Maybe I'll leave in February, maybe I'll leave in May, maybe I'll leave in August. Maybe I won't have a choice in the matter.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2:16 p.m. - National Palace Museum. Again. Seems like I was just there recently.

2:25 p.m. - Riding through the tunnel between Shilin and Neihu Districts, but staying safe on the pedestrian walkway.

2:50 p.m. - Minzu E. Rd. with the entrance of the recently-opened tunnel that runs underneath the airport runway at the right, connecting Fuxing N. Rd with Dajia Bridge to the north.

Hm.

So maybe not everyone who comes across the previous post will recognize the amps going to 11 reference from the movie "This is Spinal Tap". I've been in audiences that have cheered at that final line.

The idea being that Christians defy any contradictory logic to the Scriptures by running back to the Scriptures. They start by quoting Scripture. You make some point or another bringing the logic of the Scripture in question, and they point back at the Scripture in response, effectively not even acknowledging your logic.

The Scripture is the Word of God. You don't question the Word of God. "Well, what about scholarship that says blady-blady-blady, and really how do you know it was divine authority that inspired the writing of this Scripture." "Well...it's all in the Scripture".

I don't think any Christians find this funny. Sorry. But also not.

A young student from UC Berkeley approached me today while I was eating lunch outside the commissary to talk to me about Christianity. He came to Taipei with a group that comes during vacations to chat people up about joining the church. I don't think he knows what hit him.

December 19, Taida campus. A crowded area during lunchtime hour where students can check their (physical) mail and grab a bite to eat and socialize.

I only realized afterwards that I talked his ear off about alternate views and why I'm not Christian and the historical holes in the Christian doctrine. Not once did I talk down to him, though, and not once did I suggest that he question his own faith in Christianity. If anything, I did my best to re-affirm it, while underhandedly cutting it down for myself.

He needs to go back to training camp. He didn't do his job well at all. He didn't convince me any more than I could have convinced him, but we had a lively, respectful discussion. But he's not here to "discuss", he's here to get Taiwanese to go to church so their souls can be saved.

I say that sarcastically, but at the same time I'm claiming to be respectful. I don't think that's contradictory. Platitudes like "saving their souls" are just so ridiculous and if you press them for what that means, they keep telling you their amp goes to 11.

I have to be direct and honest about what I think about the concept, but speaking to this single individual, I don't want to insult him, or make him feel bad, as long as he's not disrespecting or condescending to me, at which point I would walk away or ask him to leave. But to this individual, I don't question that he thinks he's trying to save people's souls.

There are some things that as much as he can do his work with a straight face, I have to be sarcastic about it. But do I think he's not saving people's souls? I have no evidence that he's not, so no, I don't necessarily think he's not saving people's souls. That's why I allow in myself for him to go about his work.

He gave me a small flyer for his church (non-denominational), and I posted it on the language center bulletin board.

Not once did I mention Buddhism, but he did press me to go extensively into reincarnation and my alternative theories, so I did. I told him I was more science based, but every time I started going into scientific theory, I would apologize first, since Christians apparently don't believe in science.

I guess I could have mentioned up front I was Buddhist. Not mentioning it was a bit of an experiment to see how the discussion went without him forming preconceptions to that affect, but since I think "Buddhist" is a useless, empty identity characterization, it would have been just as much an experiment to mention it, since I don't really believe it.

It would have been interesting to spar on that level since when talking about science, he kept going back to scripture ("this one goes to 11"). Until I started referring to scientific scripture. But any points he made to validate Christian scripture are applicable to Buddhist scripture, so that could have been fun and lively.

So I imagine he goes back to a fictional training camp and tells the instructor about what happened today, and the instuctor yells at him, "No, no, you went about it all wrong! You're not supposed to be listening to them, you're supposed to be telling them about us! Hit them on the head with something to dull their senses! How about this? (picks up and holds out a Bible). Don't "respect" their point of view, heathen aren't supposed to be "respected"!"

But no, I know, Christians aren't like that.

And when I say he didn't do his job well at all, that's not sarcastic, that's a compliment. I mean that as a compliment. Is that disrespectul?

Dear James,

You da man.

You da man.

Air Filter:
I finally accepted that whatever I'm allergic to in my apartment is not going away and I bought an air filter yesterday. The effect was immediate. As soon as I turned it on, I didn't absolutely need to wear a mask over my face. More than 12 hours later without a mask, I'm still doing OK. Just a little minor itchiness in my eyes. Bearable, considering the allergies at worst were laying me flat and unfunctional.

I used to have these allergies in the Bay Area. I had an air filter then, too. I'm under the impression that there is a psychological basis to my allergies. The allergic reaction is real, but it's something psychological that triggers the sensitivity. This time, they only started up after I returned to Taiwan from the U.S. in October. For now, my air filter is my best friend.

Hong Kong:
I had to make an unplanned visa run to Hong Kong this past week because Taiwan is stupid they wouldn't honor my Taida enrollment documents to extend my visa, which specifically states Shida.

It doesn't matter that I have documentation of continuous study and of the clean transition from Shida to Taida. It doesn't matter that it isn't even a "student" visa, per se, Taiwan doesn't have student visas. Taiwan, not legally a country, doesn't have visas. It just pretends to!

In Hong Kong, the travel agency which is the front for what would be a consulate for any legal country, can't issue visas. It gives you a slip of paper that you return to Taiwan with, and once you're in the country, you exchange it for the "official" visa that gets put into the passport. Which makes leaving the country for such a small technicality even more ridiculous.

I'm here on a visitor visa, so why it matters what school I'm studying at is a mystery. I had to leave the country and get a new visa.

Conclusion: Taiwan is stupid and has just crossed the red line of my patience and I leave at the next set-back.

Hong Kong was gorgeous. Beautiful weather feeling like a warm late-Spring morning in New Jersey before the humidity kicks in. Hong Kong manages to combine Chinese bureaucracy with British efficiency, and somehow makes it work. Very impressive.

Drama:
Not even the transfer to Taida has kept the drama out of my life. On Friday, one of my Japanese classmates was arrested and is either being deported to Japan, or his parents are here to escort him back.

I don't have the fully story, just a suggestion that he has mental problems. There were suggestions in what I witnessed (I missed the bulk of it because I was in the bathroom) that he was considered by the school to be dangerous. In fact, when he was being apprehended, I did witness him trying to kick one of the police officers, so I can't say Taida was overreacting in paranoia.

I was saddened by that. I had a sense the poor guy had problems, anger issues, delusional. He thought his Mandarin and Mandarin pronunciation were better than they are (I could barely understand a word he was trying to say), and he kept getting angry at the teacher for trying to correct his pronunciation.

I've been having the distinct feeling that my life is getting shorter now with each drink I have. One can only hope.

I took the MRT red line all the way north to its terminus in Danshui and took a ferry across the Danshui River to Bali township to the Shisanhang (十三行) Museum of Archaeology (loosely pronounced shr-san-hong (rhymes with dong, bong, wrong).

(all black & whites Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN, CD-R - my little home scanner is pretty much retired)

Ferry in Bali township

12:20 p.m. - From Bali looking across the Danshui River at Danshui and Datun Mt., part of Yangmingshan Nat'l Park.

2:43 p.m. - Shisanhang Museum of Archaeology. It's named after and contains artifacts from an archaeological site discovered pretty much right there of an early group of people that lived here. I don't want to spread misinformation and lies, so I have to emphasize I THINK they pre-dated migration from the Chinese mainland and may have been contemporary with ancestors of modern indigenous tribes in Taiwan. We're talking at least hundreds of years ago; don't know about thousands.

1:15 p.m. - Impressive interior design and architecture. I think the museum, which also promotes archaeology and preservation, has won awards.

1:18 p.m. - An exhibit on methodology, that's not a live person.

2:29 p.m. - The unusual exit from the museum.

Hong Kong II (emergency visa run)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 20, 8:52 p.m. - Benefits of digital: shoot schedules for later reference, not for photography.

10:26 p.m. - Blurry Hong Kong. Ricoh Caplio R4 doesn't do well in low light.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 21, 12:20 a.m. - Hong Kong lodging. Having learned my lesson from my previous HK visa run, instead of staying at Taoyuan Airport overnight, I flew to HK the previous night to take care of visa issues first thing in the morning. 

8:31 a.m. - Hong Kong first thing in the morning.

8:38 a.m. - Hong Kong cat first thing in the morning.

11:07-11:08 a.m. - Victoria Peak. Doing touristy stuff after taking care of visa issues and waiting to pick up documents in the afternoon.

11:34 a.m. - coffee and view. And the U.S. can't get its story straight about China currency manipulation (it depends upon what's politically expedient, facts be damned).

12:39 p.m. - Peak Tower.

12:41 p.m. - colorful bug.

12:54 p.m - Iconic Hong Kong buildings.

Dec. 17-20

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2:58 p.m. - Footbridge from Shuiyuan Rd. to the Guting/Gongguan riverside area.

2:59 p.m. - Two views of the ongoing construction of the riverside park.

3:28 p.m.

Nikon N70, Ilford XP2 Super:

Da'an Park footbridge default shot. 

Community waste disposal, Roosevelt Rd. near Longquan St.

Photostrolling through smaller streets and lanes near the Gongguan area heading towards the Xindian River.

Shooting from what I'll call the Shuiyuan footbridge since to leads from Shuiyuan Rd. and crosses the Shuiyuan Expressway to the riverside. "Shuiyuan" means water source.

Black & white version and flipped version of the above color.

My suggested theory of consciousness, with absolutely no grounding or backing, so it is arbitrary, is inspired by this mysterious thing scientists in the astronomical field call "dark energy". They postulate it comprises about 75% of what the universe is made up of. How they came up with this and why they think this is scientific theory is unadulterated human arrogance. In 500 years, science will have progressed to believe this is all wrong.

But I digress.

It's not really a theory, it's just a loose concept inspired by this energy pervading the universe that we have no idea about, but is so powerful that it is not only the cause of the universe's expansion, but also the acceleration of that expansion. That acceleration is based on scientific observation, but theories stemming from scientific astronomical observation have also been known to be wrong.

Maybe the observations are right, maybe they are faulty. Maybe they are jumping to conclusions based on those observations. Maybe they're dead-on right. But not even our truths stay the same is what I'm saying.

The idea I'm playing with is that our consciousness on earth, those of all metabolizing sentient beings on earth, not just human, is the materialized form of something naturally occuring in nature, something like this dark energy.

Our physical lives and the evolution of life on earth can be traced back through a progression of circumstances, organic compounds, and chemical reactions, etc. That's physical life.

Through it all, there was the building blocks of something else, something intangible, but completely interrelated, interbeing, with the evolution of physical life. It likewise evolved into consciousness. Our consciousness is formed by dark energy or something like it the same way our bodies are formed by organic compounds, molecules, atoms.

When we're done with our bodies, it breaks down and goes back to a more basic form. Maybe so does our consciousness. It washes back to some intangible, naturally occuring energy in the universe. The energy exists throughout the universe, so in that form, "our consciousness" exists throughout the universe. It's one, it's totality, no separation.

It has nothing to do with gods or will or buddhas, those are just labels people put on insight into this. Even this can be considered a scientific sounding attempt at what is really just religious mumbo-jumbo.

But something about planets where life and consciousness develop. Our molecules recycle, but maybe so does the energy of our consciousness. Maybe it's the shock of consciousness that keeps the energy on the same planet, maybe it's the karmic habituation of consciousness, that once it materializes on one planet, it basically stays there because that's all it knows exists.

Once you turn on the light to the room and see the contents, you can't just turn the light off and go back to the state where you had no idea what was there and can imagine that anything is there. You now have a concrete idea what is there.

And that's why some metaphysical/spiritual orders speak of past lives and reincarnation.

Um, that's all.

I was thinking of posting how even more unglamorous my life is...

...like, eating a fruit crepe alone in Shida Park in the dark. Calling it a "park" is a stretch.

That was several days ago, actually a fruit crepe is sounding not so bad right now.

Is there anything more unglamorous than being so bored with your life that eating is an inconvenient hassle?

Life is mellow at Taida, even though I'm spending far too much time procrastinating. I'm OK for now since Taida put me back 5 chapters, so the material is a breeze. I'm just afraid of when we catch up to where I was, because my teacher, although sweet, is not a very good teacher.

From what I can tell, she's not teaching anything. So when we get to the chapter that I need to be taught, I'm probably going to be in trouble. She's really inexperienced, and Etsuko says it's just a part-time job for her, filling in for a regular teacher who couldn't make it this semester. She doesn't want to be a career Chinese teacher.

I don't understand half of what she's saying, so she isn't making any effort to cater her vocabulary and grammar to our level of understanding. Further proof of this is that I've already studied the next 5 chapters, and I know she's using vocabulary and grammar from future chapters.

I like her personally, but unlike Shida teachers, who were confident in their ineffectiveness, she isn't and is flying by the seat of her pants.

I think I'm almost ready to go back to the U.S.

5:07 p.m.

My first real social interaction at Taida. So different from Shida. I feel like how I approached my social situation at Shida was all a mistake and I don't want to replicate those mistakes, but that was just 9 months ago. I'm not that different now as I was then. At my age, the learning curve is slight.

But meeting up with my classmate Etsuko and a friend she made where she lives, Sachiko, was so completely different from Shida. I think at Shida, too much effort went into forming an inclusive social clique. We went so far as to include our teacher. That kind of chaotic social interaction with so many personalities and backgrounds couldn't possibly come out with anything solid or meaningful.

With Etsuko and Sachiko, it was just us getting to know one another directly. But something else is different, too. Maybe not. What if just Hyun Ae, Pierre and I started hanging out with one another? It may have been similar. Hyun Ae still would have her personality...quirks, but at this point I don't know what "quirks" Etsuko and Sachiko are neurotic about.

Hyun Ae and I should have kept our distance. Her behavior while having a boyfriend was really inappropriate. With Etsuko and Sachiko, I'm not making any effort to "get closer", to find some connection, I'm keeping a distance, maybe as a result of Hyun Ae; lesson learned. That's good.

My whole feeling at Taida is different. Probably because it's on a real college campus. I go to school and I'm on this beautiful campus, and I feel relaxed. At Shida, once you're out of the building and go out the gates, you're on city streets.

My mother called. They just got back from a trip to Africa. I notice that she keeps saying at the end of the calls, "As long as you're happy, you can do whatever you want". I notice that she never asks whether I'm happy or not.

This is just an observation. I wouldn't want her to ask, and I doubt I would respond honestly even if she did.

After I went for a ride yesterday morning and ended up riding in a drizzle and on slick roads out in NanGang (eastern Taipei), mind you I hate riding in the rain, I cursed my poor decision making even more. I can't even make a proper decision about weather when it's right in front of me.

This morning, I vowed if I couldn't see sunlight, I wouldn't go for a ride. It was overcast, no sunlight, pretty much what it looked like yesterday. I didn't ride. It didn't rain. Fuck me, Taipei. Fuck me harder than San Francisco ever fucked me, and San Francisco fucked me pretty hard.

I did go see a Chinese movie called Battle of Wits. It was a period piece from China's warring states period (Before Common Era). It was a little better than "The Knot" that I saw on Friday, but it also had major flaws. I'm not going to be too critical, though. Just movies, just entertainment.

Hyun Ae text messaged me on Friday, asking me how I was doing. Her follow up message suggested we get together sometime. I replied I'd be happy to get together with her. I'm not sure how truthful that is, but I don't know how I feel about her now. I wonder if I ended up falling in love with her. I think maybe I did, but I really don't know.

I like Taida, but this first week seemed really, really long. I'm gonna chalk it up as it being an adjustment period, as the class finds its rhythm. My teacher is young and seems inexperienced, but where I felt Shida teachers were horrible, the feeling was more adversarial. With this teacher, the feeling is that I want to work with her, help her become a better teacher and get her acquainted with students' issues.

The first week ended with a campus tour on Thursday and a reception on Friday. Nothing like that at Shida. At Shida, it was more like, "Welcome to Taiwan. Good luck, you'll need it." We even got out of class early for the reception.

Thursday, December 7, 12:52 p.m. - Taida main library

Friday, December 8, 2:43 p.m. - Reception for new language students.

I'm not sure I'll relate to the students at Taida any better than at Shida. That's my issue. I had some forced conversations at the reception. I like my teacher. She looked a little uncomfortable, too, and we slogged through it together. I met some Asian American college students, one of whom was also Taiwanese American, and her experience with the language mirrored mine almost exactly.

December 8, 4:10 p.m. - Taida campus. I saw this group riding bikes and I think it was a bit of Critical Mass idea and they didn't mind me taking pics. I can't imagine a S.F.-style Critical Mass in Taipei.

4:18 p.m. - I went to a movie theater in the same building as a rock club called The Wall and saw that indie band +/- was coming to Taipei. That's James Baluyut's (guitarist of Versus) splinter band. I ended up not going because I was trying to not fall into old habits of things I "used to do".

Afterwards, I went to see a Chinese movie called "The Knot". It's not even listed in IMDB or rottentomatoes. It was OK. There was a point that I was ready to walk out, though. I feel it was the director's fault. It was epic material, it needed to be treated in an epic way, bigger than our small lives. This is history. But as if the director was used to doing television soap operas, he concentrated too much on the melodramatic human moments, and languished in them too much. There were plot problems, too, which could have been forgiven if the director got the epic part right.

It was a love story, a young couple begin a romance in pre-2-28 Taiwan, but the guy is a left-wing activist. After 2-28, he's forced to escape to China, while the girl is left in Taiwan with dreams of meeting him again, and taking care of his mother as if she were her mother-in-law. He is a doctor and is drafted into the Red Army.

The frame of the movie is that this story is being pieced together in current time by the woman's niece. The woman is now an artist in New York. I'm not sure that plot gimmick was necessary. I'm not sure it served the story.

It was worth watching. The movie had moments and did manage to hit some good emotional chords. I'm just glad that Chinese language movies tend to be subtitled in English. These are movies that I would be seeing if they came to San Francisco, so I'd might as well catch them as they are shown here.

December 9, 11:17 a.m. - Heping E. Rd. and Keelung Rd. intersection. Heading up Keelung Rd. goes directly to the Taipei 101 area in Xinyi District.

3:16 p.m. - Xinyi District. Looking north from the Taipei 101 footbridge at the Eslite building directly ahead.

I feel like I'm wasting too much time. I don't know if writing here is wasting time. In itself it's not, but when it's at the end of other wasting time activities, it probably is. It's probably procrastination, but if it's procrastination, then I wouldn't be doing what I'm supposed to be doing anyway, so it doesn't matter how I'm wasting the time. I'd be wasting it anyway.

After class yesterday, me and my two classmates chatted for a little bit, getting acquainted. Etsuko likes singing and is into jazz, so we talked about going to a jazz club this weekend. She's not unattractive. She has elements of pretty, but she wouldn't immediately catch my eye. I've been afraid of looking at her because I don't want be looking for something distinctly attractive. Or unattractive.

After that I rode to a store on Guangfu Road which is the largest store I've found that sells Buddhist stuff. It's a little overpriced, I've bought two meditation bells in Taiwan, and I didn't buy either of them at this store because of the price. I found them cheaper in the Longshan Temple area.

I wanted to get a mala bracelet. I have two that Audrey gave to me, but for some reason I wanted one of my own choosing. I don't think these things are essential practice accoutrement. I kinda see them as advertisement to the world of what you are, and I don't think that sort of ego identification is necessary. That's not necessarily true, that's just me projecting.

I've worn them to remind me to be mindful, but it rarely worked. Because it's constantly there, it just becomes normal there. Anyway, I wanted one that I chose, and it turns out that my preferred one was NT$40, a little over a dollar. One that Audrey gave me was less than that. That was a long time ago. They had ones that were more than US$30.

I wanted to get one to work on mantras from the Liberation Through Wearing. I don't know why, I don't know my motivation. It just occurred to me to do it, and so why not? It might just be wasting time.

Audrey also gave me two other longer strings of beads which can be worn as necklaces or whatever. One of them she gave to our grandfather when he expressed interest in the teachings right before he died. After he died, she gave them to me.

The other she gave me last year when I was considering entering the monastery. These were her special, personal ones, really expensive, I think on the order of US$300. Their smell of sandalwood never fades.

After our communications broke down, I told her I'd give them back to her, as they are rightly hers, but then I said fuck it. Why should I reward her for breaking off communications? If she wants them back, she's going to have to . . . I don't know, do something.

I used to wear them around my wrist, winding them four times around, and that was better for keeping mindfulness, because you can't just ignore that many beads wound around your wrist. I also had to be careful with them because I would hate to have anything happen to them. I stopped wearing them last month when I really felt my practice was gone.

Good Karma

This is a nice reading, but short. Enjoy! This is what The Dalai Lama has to say for 2006. All it takes is a few seconds to read and think over. Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true for all – even if you are not superstitious… or of whatever religious belief… Faith…

I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

FORWARD THIS MANTRA E-MAIL TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 wonderful surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 people & over: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of
will begin to take shape.
Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours.
You will get a very pleasant surprise…

Personally, I hate shit like this. Life will improve? What the hell does that mean? And how is it quantified by how many people get spammed by this? A bunch of these are certifiably not anything the Dalai Lama would expound.

Audrey sent this to me. Why is she sending me emails like this? She hasn't sent me an email in months, even in a mass emailing. And this is for 2006, which is nearly over, she's probably had this for a long time. If she's hinting at making things right between us, it's going to take more than this. It would take quite a grand gesture and accounting for herself over the last year to make things right between us.

Classes started today. I'm not sure what I want to do with my sleeping schedule. Because I went with my uncle to dinner last night, I went to sleep late and woke up seven hours later, around five. I finished off reciting this cycle of the Tibetan Book of the Dead and went for a run.

I'm declaring this problem I'm having with my left calve an injury, as it's not going away. It's like a stealth injury, because it seems to go away, and I go on a run and everything seems to be going fine, and then bam!

I was running steadily at less than 7:30 miles, and I felt it when I was within 200 meters of finishing twice around Daan Park (I was going for three times around). I knew I should have stopped immediately, but I limped in to complete the twice around, knowing I could still beat the general target of 10 minute circuits around the park. Even limping in, I finished in 19:41.

Of course, since classes were starting today, my allergies were acting up something fierce. It's so in my head, but knowing it's in my head doesn't seem to help to overcome it. I took an expired Claritin, and surprisingly the allergy went away and stayed away for class (most of the pack hadn't been doing anything).

There were only three students in the class today. I think the teacher was expecting more, but the class sizes at Taida are supposed to be small. Much better than at Shida. I'm not sure how I'm going to avoid the same mistakes I made at Shida. I guess there's no way to avoid them, except stop living.

I like the hermit-like existence of the past week and a half, the waking up at midnight and minimal contact with people, but I think I'll exchange numbers with my classmates tomorrow. One of them, a Japanese woman, speaks English pretty well, having studied in the U.S. for college. I didn't gauge her English, though, as I tried to speak as much Chinese with her as possible – that's the low level of discussion we managed in the 10 minutes after class before I headed off to practice drums.

I had no problem getting a drum room this much later in the day, so I don't need to be concerned about the inconvenient time slot of the class. Afterwards I had dinner in the Shida night market area. I'm no longer a student there, but that area still feels like mine. But mostly because that's where the practice studio is.

5:54 p.m. - Heping E. and Xinsheng S. Rds. intersection

My uncle came up to Taipei this evening. He invited me out to dinner without telling me it was to a wedding banquet for the son of one of his old classmates. I had no business being there. Uncomfortable would be the perfect word to describe it, except I, out of principle, don't get uncomfortable. Awkward, yes, I do awkward, and it was awkward, but any number of situations with my uncle are made awkward by him.

I don't have enough exposure to family, nuclear or extended, to have a high tolerance to it. And my tolerance for this family is running thin. I don't think I'll be going to Kaohsiung again anytime soon. I'm certainly not planning on it.

Audrey called to mediate between me and my uncle getting to my place, because for some reason he wanted to see where I lived. Maybe an edict from my mother to check out where I'm living. The pattern of Audrey's behavior remains the same, and she was sweet, but I only feel it as manipulation now. I don't care. I just didn't care.

I need a category for blog entries called "negativity". The overcast weather didn't help today. I rode south today, crossing the Jingmei River into Hsindian to go to the Carrefour there to look for a coffee scoop. I'm at a total loss to understand why a simple coffee measure is so hard to find in Taipei.

Sitting there at that wedding banquet, surrounded by people I didn't know and couldn't understand. I observed the lives. The lives. Tables and tables of lives that I had nothing to do with, but here they all were for this person's wedding banquet.

I was at a table with a bunch of old people – old being in their 60s or 70s. Young people working and serving. Young people will someday be old people. These young people would someday be old people. Moved down the conveyor belt of life and time.

I thought about my brother and his wife and their wedding. They now have a kid. It's incredible thinking about the lives of these kids, the mystery of what they can become.

I never want to be a part of this. I don't want to be the young person serving other people because it's a job and I have my whole life ahead of me. In fact I've done that, working for a catering company in San Francisco. I don't want to be the person getting married having my life shown in a slideshow at my wedding. What kind of slideshow could capture my life? What kind of horror slideshow? I don't want to be having kids and having my priorities re-worked, realizing this little life is now the most important thing in the world. I don't want a job, I don't want to be supporting someone. I don't want to be someone's father, inviting my non-existent old friends to my child's wedding. I don't want to be alive.

What's so great about this human form? Our human lives endowed with liberty and opportunity to forward ourselves on the path towards liberation. I believe that. But I look at our human form and I see metabolizing machines. We crudely fuel our bodies with food, munch, munch, and we metabolize material to energy, and we expel our waste.

Waste. A good word on which to end this entry.

God damn. Turns out that even my decision to visit the U.S. in October, instead of November was a bad decision. Every decision I make turns out to be a bad decision.

By going in October, I missed studying Chapter 5 and a part of Chapter 6. In November, I studied classes at Shida that I'm going to be studying again Taida. I'm being placed back in Taida, but I still won't be covering the chapter that I missed, and reviewing the chapter this morning, I'm realizing how deficient I am in it.

Also by visiting the U.S. in October:
- I wasted precious time in the U.S. catering to my uncle who I see frequently enough in Taiwan.
- I didn't see Kathy because I couldn't fit her in.
- I wasn't able to keep Peggy any company post-brain surgery. Don't know if she would have wanted my company, but at least I could make the gesture.

Something with Hyun Ae I'm sure, but I'm not sure what. Not sure how my applying to Taida would have been affected. Fuck, I know I'm focusing just on the negative aspects, but it's hard not to when the negative aspects keep biting me in the ass.

Rainy days are the hardest because they can get lonely. Really lonely. Not the self-imposed alone from sleeping from 5 or 6 until past midnight. Sunny days I can at least ride. Today I just walked and walked in a spitty mist until my feet were sore.

4:09 p.m. - In the Technology Building MRT area.

Damn! It started raining this Saturday morning. Good thing I didn't head out for a ride at dawn like I was considering. I waste too much time perusing Taipei maps, thinking of where to ride.

I woke up at 2:00, pretty late, but reasonable considering I went to sleep after six yesterday. I sat for 45 minutes and then continued with Chapter 11 of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. One thing I choose to change during recitations of Chapter 11 is the reference to "you", as if I'm reciting to someone else. I usually change the pronoun to "us" and "we". Again, I don't know why I do these things, I don't know why I even think of these things. Maybe it's because I think of why I'm even doing this.

I keep the "you" pronoun when it's in the imperative or if it doesn't make sense to change it to the inclusive pronoun. Part of the idea is recognition that it's pretention to think I'm reciting this for someone else, it's more for myself, a metaphorical interpretation for me for living. Part of it is recognition that I'm reciting this, but I will be there, too. Five to one, baby, one in five, no one here gets out alive. We all do this, we all do this together. Part of it is subscribing to the concept that there is no separation between "you" and "me". I'm reciting this for the recently deceased, but that recently deceased is not separate from me.

It's raining. It's raining the weekend before classes start. There are no words to describe how much Taipei weather sucks donkey balls and uses donkey ass hair to floss.

I've been unusually hungry lately, and craving of sweet things. This morning, after I got my class assignment, I ended up at McDonald's for breakfast, even though I wasn't even particularly hungry.

Every decision I make seems to be a bad one. When I first moved to Taipei, I was deciding between two places. The other place was in this neighborhood where I had breakfast, the Technology Building MRT area.

I haven't figured out if neighborhoods are referred to by the MRT stations that are nearby, or if the MRT stations are named after the neighborhoods they were built in. Maybe a little of both.

In this case, I imagine no one thought twice about the Technology and Science Building until the MRT people realized there was nothing else in the area to identify this station. Now, if you say Technology Building MRT, people know where you're talking about. And people still don't think twice about the Technology and Science Building a bit down the road, I shouldn't wonder.

But if I hadn't impulsively decided on the apartment I live in now, in the long run I think the other apartment would have been much better, especially with my transfer of schools from Shida to Taida since Taida is closer to that apartment. The apartment itself was quieter. I imagine the internet is reliable, or must be in comparison to my current situation. I imagine I wouldn't be allergic to the place.

I know. Who knows? The grass is always greener. Who knows how divergent my life might have been in the other apartment, either better or worse? So I'm just bitching negative.

2:40 p.m. - Looking north up Shida Rd. at the Shida main library on the annex campus. 

In a few hours I have to go to Taida to see what chapter they're going to start me on this coming Monday. At the oral exam they hinted at Chapter 5, meaning I'd be placed back 5 chapters since I completed Chapter 10 at Shida. Well, I wouldn't say "completed". The substitute teacher we had since our regular teacher saw fit to go on vacation for the last week and a half of classes rushed through Chapters 9 and 10. And flipping through the previous chapters, looking at what I'm supposed to have learned, I should feel lucky if they put me in Chapter 5!

I'm allergic to something in my apartment. Most of the time I have to wear a mask at home. This only started after I got back from New Jersey. I'm pretty sure it's psychological. This past Monday when I went to school for the placement exam and registration, the allergy was particularly bad and I had trouble all day, even when I was out of the apartment. Today seems pretty bad, too, even with the mask. And I have to go to school. Classes start Monday.

I recognize any stress I have, I'm creating for myself. I'm trying to learn how to control it. Keep it in check.

Unrelated, but it's Friday, so I can buy a bottle of liquor today. I was going to allow for more this week since I'm on break, but the thing is, when I finish a bottle, I might have that craving for more right away, but after a couple days it goes away, and I don't even feel like buying another bottle. Sometimes I'll look at the reserve bottle of scotch in my closet, but then shrug and decide against it.

I did end up getting the Lomo Fisheye 2 yesterday. I rode my bike even though all day it looked like imminent rain. I got lucky, though, and it didn't rain on me. I took my time browsing in Eslite, then I had Vietnamese noodles for lunch at a food court in Warner Village. I loaded the fisheye right away and started shooting. This first roll might be more experimental to get a feel for the Bulb shooting in low light situations. I think I was holding the shutter open too long for most part.

I woke up at midnight when my alarm went off. It looked like I was going to have a bad sleep, because I kept waking up and lying in bed wondering if I would be able to get back to sleep, or if I should just bag it and get out of bed because I felt wide awake, and then suddenly I'd wake up again.

That happened in the 8 o'clock hour and then in the 10 o'clock hour, and then my alarm went off, so I considered it a full night sleep. I sat for 45 minutes, and then since I'm on a week break between classes, I've been reciting the entire cycle of the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead, to keep my practice on life-support. It's still good stuff, so the inspiration isn't completely dead (and going through the bardos).

I headed out for a run at 5:30, but it was drizzling, and after the soaking I got the last time I went running and it started raining, I headed back in and watched "The Spitfire Grill" on cable. After that, it wasn't raining and I thought I was clear for the run.

I was thinking about adding another 2K to my distance by going around Daan Park 4 times for the first time, but during the second time around I felt a twinge in my left calf which told me that I was heading for the same injury as two weeks ago if I didn't stop. Two weeks ago I kept running until the muscle totally cramped and I was limping badly for two days. This time I completed twice around, ran a further 200 meters, and called it. Good thing. SMART thing (for once). It's aching and sore now, but it would be worse if I kept running until it seized up again.

I want to buy the Lomo Fisheye 2 at the Eslite up the road from Taipei 101. I decided that if I have a blog devoted entirely to lomo fisheye shots, and I just posted a shot where I was complaining about how poorly the original lomo fisheye performs in low light, then it's worth the outlay. I also feel like the temptation to buy it is always going to be here if I don't, and that would be annoying, so what the hell. Who knows what the future holds?

With my luck, the Eslite won't have it anymore.

1:48 p.m. - Taipei 101, Xinyi District, Drear.

3:58 p.m. - Lomo Fisheye 2

I swear by that sun earlier, it was going to be sunny and clear at least until tomorrow. But by the time I got back in after 3:00, it was overcast again with the look of imminent rain. Again. This is the Taipei I know.

I found my pizza. I didn't go to the one right down the street because it was too crowded with elementary school kids. So I rode around till I found another one that I thought I saw once while riding home.

Afterwards, I went to the rehearsal studio and played drums for an hour, then I went to the eyeglass place to have my glasses adjusted, since they kept slipping down my face. I thought I could deal with it because I kinda liked it. When the glasses slip down my nose, I could either look at people over the glasses, which is interesting for me because I can't see anything, or I could tilt my head back to look through the glasses down my nose. Looks like I'm snobbishly looking down my nose at people. Either way.

October 30, 2:17 p.m. - drum practice room

But no. In the end I spend too much time pushing the glasses back up, only to have them annoyingly fall back down. Anyone else would have known this right away. The pretty woman who spoke a little English was there again to help again. I also got a rope for the glasses to hang around my neck. I like walking around without my glasses, not being able to see anything, and this makes it easy.

It's almost time for me to go to sleep. I think I'll watch an episode of "Northern Exposure" Season 4 first.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Misty Mountain Hop (Led Zeppelin)
2. Broke (Modest Mouse)
3. Speed of Life (David Bowie)
4. Passing Strangers (Marillion)
5. Cousin Mary (alternate take) (John Coltrane)
6. I Remember the Sun (XTC)
7. I Zimbra (Talking Heads)
8. La Guerre est Finie (Pizzicato Five)
9. Untitled and Unsung (Belly)
10. Winterlong (Neil Young)

I want to be dramatic and say things are bleak. They are pretty bleak, but I have access to a bank account, and I make good coffee every morning. God I hate my livejournal and flickr friends who go on about what cool thing they did or what they love, all the while ignoring my brilliantly fabulous life, when what they're doing is mundane as a piece of ...holy shit, the sun just burst out! It's been raining for the past 48 hours and I expected today to be another rainy day, but I just looked over out my window at the brick wall in the alley and that is bright sunny sunshine!

I think I really want to have pizza today. I refuse to stoop so low as to eat Domino or Pizza Hut. There's a boutique pizza place on Shida Road, but it's overrated/priced. I like the local Napoli chain, which is the best imitation West Coast pizza in Taiwan. Best is relative.

I got new glasses yesterday. They came almost a week early, so that was nice. I've had the same frames for over five years. The transition lenses stopped working a long time ago. My new frames are more befitting someone my age, so now people can stop thinking I'm younger than 30. Bastards.

I like my new sleeping schedule. Waking up around midnight has been good, and it has helped get me back to sitting for 45 minutes after waking up, because with the vast expanse of early morning ahead, there's no pressure not to. I go running at around five in the morning. That's been good, too. Daan Park is a little over 2k around, so I've been building up my distance 2k at a time, and I'm up to 6k without much hint of my old knee or back injuries. My mile splits are pretty much where they should be, averaging 7:30.

November 5, 6:35-7:13 a.m. - Da'an Park scenes in the morning.

I think I've mentioned that I found a rehearsal studio right next to what is now my old school that I go to 2 or 3 times a week to practice drums. Even at my new school, I should be able to fit in practicing 2 or 3 times a week.

I've been drinking too much. The bags under my eyes are pretty clear to me, I don't know why no one else notices them. Maybe it's the glasses. I buy a bottle of this cheap 116 proof liquor on Thursday or Friday. I can drink it as fast as I want, and I usually finish it about Monday or Tuesday, but then I can't buy another bottle until Friday. This is a good thing because it forces me to be actually sober, as opposed to functionally sober, for most classes.

And plenty of riding and shooting going on whenever the sun is out. My brother gave me his Nikon N70, and it is such an incredible camera that I'm upset that I've been stuck on my Pentaxes for 10 years. The autofocus, metering, and lens are so much better that I developed one roll so far, and that's all I've been posting on my fotolog. I'm not going to be so impressed by people using fancy cameras from now on. It isn't necessarily the photographer. The camera plays a large part. I don't really think that, but the camera is important.

I'm going to delete this post. Or instead I'll just add some bonus pics:

November 5, 2:11-2:13 p.m. - Bade Rd, Section 2, between Xinsheng and Jianguo, but unfortunately this novelty dinosaur-themed establishment no longer exists.