I have no answers. I'm getting no inspiration. But I refuse to feel pressured. So what I think I have to do is at least go and pretend I'm gonna do it. If I can't do it, I won't know it if I don't at least go. I should've done a dress rehearsal last night.

I have to remember all that I've been writing. I don't want to come back because I couldn't do it in a moment, and be hit with the tsunami of all I've been realizing through the years pointing me to that moment.

So I'm gonna at least go out there and see what I decide when I get there. Besides, we've got a week of nice weather ahead, so if it takes a string of going there and coming back to fine-tune and figure out what I really want to do, so be it. What a pain in the ass I am. I just need to find my truth now. Ish.

Clean the slate, try to clear my mind
Find a way to start over from the star, the starting line
Leave behind what I've built thus far
Finally resolved to end this game of love charades, back to the cave
And pull out the plug from the VCR and the TV screen

Leave my socks on the sand below the stars
And look around to see where the fires are
The sound of waves plead for me
The swim that never ends begins here on the beach

Clean the slate, clear my mind
Sound of waves, leave behind
Hold my breath, close my eyes
The shock of the first chill will only last until morning

Opting out, cash in my dying deed
It's just a simple trade off between distinct realities
Body parts, functions and feelings
Everything reeling and fading out
From here and now, and I know how to pull out the plug
Watch the water go 'round and down the drain

Don't look back, don't think of crying now
With a ziplock bag around my neck to weigh me down
All I love is here with me
The stars, the sound, a god, and all my memories

Running start, take a dive
No one here gets out alive
Racing back my whole life
Flashing before my eyes for weeks it's been driving me crazy

I want to find a way to trust another lie
Something romantic that could be believed and I
Keep in the feeling that's rotting me from inside
She'll rest in peace with the newly deceased and cross my mind

Sometimes I think this is one big joke
And god knows that I've been at the end of my rope
For seven years it took to figure this out
She's laughing at my train of doubt about
Being found and being unidentified
Still concerned with all the details left behind
When I leave to find you
You'll know me when you see me
You'll see the signs
- 1994