It occurs to me that people who know me might recognize my current approach to suicide as . . . just that, another approach. Still trying to get to it, even when I'm smirking at myself about it. That might be so. Other people who know me might go along with my personal take on it, that I still don't believe I'm gonna do it. Even if this is another new approach, I'm still smirking.

Why the doubt? Why any doubt? To me, it's just right. Every indication not only suggests that it's alright, but affirmatively points to it. It occurs to me that it may be a part of my path, it may be a test, it's something to learn from. I know, modern psychology would put me clearly in the delusional if I think suicide is justified by any concept or force outside of myself like destiny, signs, or voices telling me to do it.

We all have our lessons in life to learn, determined by ourselves, what we have decided. We may have set for ourselves the challenges we meet in life. We struggle with money; we struggle with greed; with love; with lust; with physical pain; with attachment; with acceptance; with whatever, you can figure out for yourselves what your struggle is with.

At one point, I thought my struggle was with existence. And the thing with these struggles we pose for ourselves is that we always have an out - suicide. If the challenge is too much, we eject, we abort; try again. I don't necessarily believe that anymore. I don't necessarily think existence is my struggle anymore. It has become more attachment to existence. It is both what I'm struggling against and what I'm attached to.

Theoretically, I see it, I get it. But I need to feel it, to really understand it, moth to the flame, just keep diving into that candle because that is truth that I theoretically know so well. Only theoretically.

I think that I've been killing myself for the past string of lifetimes to understand this. That's what it's taking to understand it. Lifetime after lifetime, and it's this hesitation, this doubt, this mark of my attachment to existence that trips me up every time; that when I do it, it's still, 'no, you still don't really understand it'. Existence is illusion. Attachment to existence is attachment to illusion.

Am I worth learning this lesson? There are other ways to learn it, but I don't think so for me. This is the way that I have to learn it, and even with the red carpet that my life is, I balk. Even with this lifetime, maybe I hesitated too much and will have to go around again.

I watch a lot of movies, I watch a lot on TV, different places, different lives that have it a lot worse than me. Thank god I'm where I am, with the comforts and luxuries I have. But...is this so wonderful? Attachment. Attachment to me just because I'm me. If I were in any of those other situations, I would make do because that would be who I am, but I'm still thinking how glad it is to be me. Let it go.

Once I get over this hurdle, suicide won't be an issue. I'll be able to live in this world without it even being a consideration; the way money and health aren't a consideration for me in this current life. I might even be able to condemn it in other people, to be a barrier for their true understanding of it so that they really learn it.

So really, what do you want for me?

Northern Exposure Quote of the Day:
Rick: Maggie!
Maggie: Rick! Rick?
Rick: Don't worry, I'm still dead.
Maggie: Where are we?
Rick: Heaven.
Maggie: Heaven. You're in heaven?
Rick: Well, it's really not all that hard to get in. I'm mean compared to an Ivy League school or some of the NBA playoff games, it's actually a breeze.
Maggie: This looks like the Grosse Point Country Club. Heaven is the Grosse Point Country Club?
Rick: For you. It's your dream.