It's really such a mess. I think of where I am and where I want to go, and where I'm drawn to go, and it's just such an ironic mess. The words 'karmic obstacles' come up again and again.

There's this path that I want to go down, it resonates to me as the right path to head towards some ultimate, personal truth, irreverent of any conception of truth that humans believe in, and yet I can't take the first steps to head down that path.

Obstacles. It would take so little to get me heading down that path, but my life is just so that none of that little exists. All I need is a little bit of help, but no, no help, I have to do it myself from the ground up. But I don't have the strength or motivation to get things moving alone.

It just sounds like an excuse. It sounds like a plan set up for futility. What more can I do? To whom else can I reach out? Why can't I have just that little bit that so many people have that would help push me down that path? Just a little push. Just a pat on the back. Just a little concern. Just a little encouragement.

But no, that's not my path, not this time. For this time, I have to find my way to it alone. That's my karma. That's the way I've set it up. No help. No one else at all. And if I can't resist the tide, the whirlpool, the black hole drawing me in, maybe I'll have to do it all over again. And I'm having trouble resisting the tide.