I read Shunryu Suzuki's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind every once in a while. Every time I read it, it feels like I've never read it before; that I'm reading a completely different book.

I think that's the nature of reading Dharma Talks by accomplished teachers and practitioners. It's different from reading people's blog entries, purportedly expounding on the dharma. Those are mostly ego driven; that they've got something and they need to share it. Good intentioned. Past entries of my own included.

Suzuki's text is so sublime and multi-faceted that every time I read it, I get something new out of it. What I get out of it might move my practice forward a little and allows me to get a little more out of it the next time I read it.

It's brilliant, it's all there. But in my practice, I'm still piecing it together.

I think I'm totally bored with this blog. I am totally bored with my life, but that's old news. I don't know how much longer I can put up with it. Probably only another 30, 40 years. Great.

I'm trying to think up ways to revitalize my interest, but I'm not sure I can be bothered. I'm sick of talking about feelings, when all they do is stay the same.

So what's been news lately:
- I had another bike stolen. This time it was definitely stolen since I did actually lock it. During the last hurricane, I decided I wanted to keep it out of the rain, so I locked it under the Jian Guo freeway a block away. That was the mistake, since there's no one around there overnight, and decent looking bikes with cheap locks are easy pickings.

I wasn't upset at all, not only because I'm feeling less and less attached to personal property, but because the bike only cost me NT$300 (less than US$10). It was in excellent condition, the seller could have gotten a lot more for it, but she was leaving really soon and had to get rid of it fast. It was, however, several sizes too small for me to take it seriously. It also came with a purple cable lock, which I'm sure bike thieves have trouble taking seriously.

- I then bought another bike a few days later for NT$500 (about US$15). This one is also in excellent condition, although it has definitely been ridden more than the previous bike. It's more my size, a tad too big, but so is my Cannondale in the U.S., and came with a more substantial D-lock and, believe it or not, a helmet which I still don't plan to use. This bike I'm taking more seriously, and aside from the D-lock, which is probably deterrent enough, I also got a cable lock for half the price of the bike to lock it to something solid overnight.

August 25, 12:23 p.m.

- That unpleasant and uncharacteristic distraction of Hyun Ae is completely settled, and that whole incident seems silly now. I would never trust her with my heart, and I questioned her loyalty from the start. In the end, she also lost interest in hanging out with me, too. We're back to just being classmates.

- This term is coming to an end soon. I had wanted to fly to New Jersey for a visit, but I was waitlisted on the flight this Sunday, and now I'm thinking it is too late to prepare everything I need to leave school a few days before the term ends. I'm enrolled for another term at this shit school, the Mandarin Training Center at Shida University, and I'm thinking it will be my last term at that (shit) school. I really don't know why it's considered to be so prestigious.

At the end of next term in November, if my Mandarin doesn't feel like it's improving any, I'll probably leave the term early and fly back to the U.S. to visit my family and two new nieces (born a month apart) for several weeks. If I haven't decided to bag this whole idea of learning Mandarin, I'll come back to Taiwan, but transfer to another school in Kaohsiung, where I'll have extended family around me to practice speaking. Sounds like a plan.

Now I'm even more bored with this blog.

Living in the material world is hard and full of suffering. That's not negative. I take it as objective fact. The world is also filled with good things, and daily life can be wonderful and fulfilling, at the same time as being hard and full of suffering.

I wonder why I left the monastery without committing and ordaining. I yearn for the environment the monastery offered. In the material world, I'm supposed to be figuring out what I really want to do, either go back and ordain, or stay out here and deal.

I really have no idea.

But at times I yearn for the environment of the monastery; to be immersed in the dharma, the investigation of life and how we should act as human beings without dogma or righteousness or judgment, but with compassion and wisdom, being able to get into the shoes of the people we are trying to help.

I idealize the environment of practicing and spreading dharma. But I also realize that in the material world, where there isn't an assumption of specifically Buddhist dharma, that my dharma must be maintained in my actions, in what I can offer my environment.

It's not walking around carrying a banner of Dharma. It's living true to myself recognizing what I've learned as dharma. The dharma practice is in how I walk, in practicing kind words, in cultivating compassion to all sentient beings around me (not doing a good job, but OK, keep trying).

Kaohsiung Aug. 11-13

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11 - Taichung, Taiwan. Rest stop on the bus ride to Kaohsiung. About a five and a half hour trip. Pentax ZX-5n, Ilford XP2 Super. CD-R.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12 - Kaohsiung, I think this is from the 7th fl. of my uncle's building where I stay when I visit. This would be looking southeast since the silhouette of the 85 Robot Building is just visible. CD-R.

10:01-10:14 a.m. - National Kaohsiung Normal University. I told my aunt and uncle I was thinking of moving to Kaohsiung to continue my language studies and they took me to Kaohsiung's equivalent of Shida (whose official name is National Taiwan Normal University) to inquire about their Mandarin language program. 

10:29 a.m. - Bridge on Wufu Rd. crossing the Love River to my uncle's neighborhood. Advertising genius on display. They used the contour of the building for the art!

Surreality gets so sublime when you're balancing between generating joy with meditation and negotiating self-destruction by nature.

Da'an Park footbridge. Pentax ZX-5n, Ilford XP2 Super. Image not flipped because . . . I don't know why.

Xinsheng South Rd. north from the footbridge. Image not flipped because of the words on the ground. Both CD-R with chroma tint remaining.

In the end the feelings are my own. This is what I didn't learn with Josephine. I felt my feelings were too inextricably tied with hers, and it got to the point that I kept trying to pry something out of her to save the relationship, and she was basically telling me to leave her alone. Even though in the end it was she who was shocked that it was really over.

Before, I pursued my obsession, my needs, my desire, my suffering. This time, I feel it's just about being happy with myself, and being able to generate a happiness without someone else responding how I want them to.

In this recent case study, I might not be happy now not "being with" her (not that I could've been, this is all hypothetical at this point), but to pursue being with her is not the pursuit of happiness anymore. If it's a struggle, it's something else. It's pursuing suffering, thinking I'm pursuing happiness.

So yes, now I have to start over, now I have to be alone again, now I have to disconnect from the entire group, but I can be happy, since I've learned that I can be happy by myself, and can generate happiness just by myself. It feels good to not be flailed around by my feelings.

That happiness generation meditation I mentioned last month works. It takes too much energy for me to apply it all the time, but the times I've tried it, it achieved making me feel lighter, and brighter and kinder to the people around me, and simply better about myself. So for me it turns out not to be a load of hooey.

I still have a problem with existence, though. And the worst feeling in the world for me, every day, is waking up in the morning and realizing I'm still me here.

OK, enough of that. I'm sick of writing about that. It was status quo from the beginning, and it was just stupidity that I even made it something to write about. Even now I feel the fear of losing something, failing to maintain some connection, contemplating what-if's.

But no, if nothing is lost, there is still nothing. If I maintain all connections, there's still nothing. And there are no what-if's. If nothing.

We're good, but it freezes here and nothing more shall be made of it. I don't care what she thinks about me, I don't care about how she reacts to anything I do, and if anything gets lost between us, there was nothing to lose in the end.

She's a friend, she's a classmate, but there is nothing special between us, even through all that traipsing around Taipei bike shops. It could have been any of us who were willing, and there's at least one other I know who would have been willing. It was only me because ultimately I know something about bikes – that much she knows because the point was hammered home in class last term.

OK, that's the final word on that. She will be mentioned no more.

Saturday August 5, 2:58 p.m. - Construction of the Xinyi MRT line.

The Xinyi MRT line will go to Taipei 101.

Sculpture reminiscent of Don Quixote on Civic Boulevard near Dunhua South Rd. Pentax ZX-5n, Ilford XP2 Super.

Taipei 101 poking up in the distance. Guangfu South Rd., lane 32.

Well, whatever.

I’m supposed to be distancing from her, and I did manage to avoid lunch by having to go take care of flight stuff (that didn’t get taken care of – got wait-listed), but afterwards we got together and I took her to a place where I knew she could pay her phone bill. Then I went with her to a skin doctor.

It’s starting to get a tinge unpleasant. Another welcome overstayed. Our personalities are starting to clash. We’re getting close enough to start taking liberties with one another, which means being disrespectful, and I’m too old to play games like that.

I’ve lost credibility with her. A typical situation. Maybe it’s because I have too much stuff in my head, and no one knows me long or well enough to know where it comes from. It doesn’t help that a large part of my social discourse is frivolous and absurd.

I don’t know if we’re friends yet. For me, a friendship is established when there is a mutual sustained desire to hang out, and we will have to start being nice to each other again for that to happen. At this point, I can see interest completely dissolving.

This is getting a mess, and I'm not liking it. It must stop. Gr.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. I Me Mine (The Beatles)
2. Long May You Run (Neil Young)
3. Hoshi no Love Letter (The Boom)
4. Tenth Avenue Freeze Out (Bruce Springsteen)
5. Let's Spend the Night Together (David Bowie)
6. Zahrafat Al-Sa'id (Musicians of the Nile)
7. Revelling (Ani DiFranco)
8. Toco Band (Rising Stars Steel Orchestra)
9. Mestre Tata (Charlie Hunter Quintet)
10. Flamenco Sketches (Miles Davis)

Yesterday I rode and explored east and up to the Keelung River, following the river west and ended up in Dajia. Today I continued exploring the river, going straight to the Dajia Bridge and continuing on the right bank bikeways westward and north until the Zhoumei Expressway where there's a crossing back to the left bank. From there I continued to follow the Keelung River to its end where it drains into the Danshui River, and then south along the Danshui on the seamless bikeways and making my way home.

In chronological order (black and whites shot with Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN film):

Dajia Bridge. CD-R.

Ramp off the Dajia Bridge to the bikeway. Grand Hotel Taipei at the left and the landmark Shin Kong Mitsukoshi building at the right. Scan.

Yuanshan Riverside Park. Scan.

1:46 p.m. - Yuanshan Riverside Park, underneath national highway #1.

1:52 p.m. - Construction of the new Zhongshan Rd. Bridge, replacing an older one. At the time I didn't know what it was, and as I didn't come to this area often, I'm only familiar with the new bridge with no recollection of what it replaced.

2:34-2:36 p.m. - Taking a break in the shade of the Zhoumei Expressway.

Opposite view, facing north.

Teeny tiny Taipei 101 in the distance, southeast.

Opposite view northwest, Guanyin Mt. across the Danshui River (unseen).

The tower is, I think, a converted garbage incinerator and there is now a restaurant at the top with 360 degree views. At the right center of the pic is the ramp that leads from the bikeway up to cross the Keelung River.

3:00 p.m. - Continuing on the left bank of the Keelung River. The above pic is facing eastward towards the Yangmingshan range. Below pic is shooting away from the river, just to show what it looks like.

Where the Keelung River drains into the Danshui River and the Keelung River left bank bikeway takes a sharp, almost 180 degree, turn and becomes the Danshui River right bank bikeway. Construction will turn this area into a park. CD-R.

3:08 p.m. - This is the bike I'm riding that I bought a few days earlier in Neihu. Unlike my previous piece of crap bike, this is a nicer, newer-looking piece of crap bike. It's too small for me but only cost NT$300 ($10), so it'll do for now.

Riding south on the Danshui riverside bikeways. Lots of construction going on everywhere. CD-R.

From the Dihua footbridge south (image is flipped so looks like north). Scan.

4:39 p.m. - final marker shot (but that's the Yangmingshan range in the distance, north) near the closest bikeway access point to Taipei Main Station. From here I either got off the bikeways and took the shorter, direct way home on city roads, or continued on the bikeways which is considerably longer. 

WordsCharactersReading time

I wasn't planning on calling her, but, well, whatever.

I cracked in the middle of the afternoon while I was on a bike ride and called her. I was riding on the riverside bikeways along the Keelung River and realized that my planned ride would take me through her neighborhood and it would be a convenient place to take a break.

Today was better than yesterday. I tried to keep my mindfulness and watched myself and whatever I said. I only regretted a few things; frivolous things, perhaps unavoidable. I tried only saying things I meant to say and that were true to myself. Me being honest with myself and to her, not caring what she thought about what I said.

She has gone back to referring to her boyfriend as her “friend”, but today I directly referred to him in a casual joke comment as her “boyfriend” with all its implications, and I don’t think she was comfortable with it, and she completely ignored it.

12:51 p.m. - Riding east through Xinyi District under Taipei 101.

1:18 p.m. - You wouldn't believe the lawsuits before they put this sign up.

2:03 p.m. - double-decker freeway over the Keelung River, shot from Chenggong Bridge.

2:10 p.m. - Riverside bikeway, this can be seen under the bridge in the previous pic.

2:20 p.m. - Sorry, it's gruesome, no one wants to see it, but Taiwan has dead animals floating in its rivers. What country doesn't? 

2:38 p.m. - shooting west on the left bank of the Keelung River.

2:58 p.m. - shooting south on the right bank after the river makes a 90 degree turn north. This bridge can be seen in the previous post that was shot from a bus crossing the Minquan Bridge.

6:50 p.m. - just a marker shot of the end of the day. I had met with Hyun Ae in the late afternoon, hung out with her and eventually we ended up here, the Miramar Mall in the Dajia area north of the Keelung River, where she lives. 

I think I have an explanation for Hyun Ae’s willingness to hang out with me so much that sits well with the observed facts. I gleaned that her boyfriend is particularly busy, and it turns out she’s "afraid of being alone". Don't ask me why that's in quotes, but I'm sure there's a reason for it. 

So she’s been using me to fill her days and evenings. Chump that I am, I fell for it. Which is fine, I'm glad for it. I learned some. 

I learned further that I can never be in a relationship again. It’s hard as hell being with someone else for such long stretches of time. In the end, I felt I was boring and frustrating her with my non-existent Mandarin language abilities. Her English is better than her Mandarin, but she’s here to learn Mandarin. Furthermore, because of her better English ability, she can engage in a higher level of discourse which means a higher expenditure of mental energy. It's still not her native language, she still has to place more effort than when she speaks Korean. Talking to me wears her out. 

More importantly, in the end I didn’t like myself when I was with her. There’s a point in extended social interactions that I start to lose myself and my identity. I start to feel like a window or a camera, and she is a subject that is being watched, but not by me. 

I don’t exist. There’s no identity behind this window, just an impartial observer. I ask myself what's the point of me doing this, and there is no subjective point to this. This isn't doing anything for me or for what I'm doing here, i.e., why I'm not at the monastery, blah, blah, blah. 

I'm not getting known any better. I start saying the stupidest things thinking it might be something she might want to hear, but then it turns out not to be and it ends up just being a stupid thing to say. I think I end up doing that to everybody.

And I think I might be a downright patronizing fuck. I don’t think so, obviously, or else I wouldn’t do it, but that might be how I come across. I don’t know how things will change now that I know what’s been going on. 

We have to ease off the close interaction. Shouldn’t be hard. We’re just classmates. I doubt she’ll call this weekend (if she did I’d still want to hang out with her, I’m weak like that). Monday I have an excuse to not be able to make it to lunch (have to make flight plans), and Tuesday I have an afternoon class that makes going to lunch too tight a squeeze. 

iTunes soundtrack: 

1. Fixing A Hole (The Beatles) 

2. The Man Who Sold the World (David Bowie) 

3. The Tourist (Radiohead) 

4. Big Wave (Southern All-Stars) 

5. Summer Madness (Princess Princess) 

6. Kimi Ga Iru Dake de (Kome Kome Club) 

7. Dancing Nancies (Dave Matthews Band) 

8. Concerto No. 1, I. Allegretto (Shostakovich) 

9. Gratitude (The Maupin/Williams Project) 

10. Yesterday is Here (live) (Tom Waits)

I'm feeling my meditation has suffered the most from the recent distraction. Something's different and it feels off-track. My mind is out-of-control distracted during sitting. I have no control over it going all over the place, and something feels different.

Having a distracted mind during sitting is nothing new and no reason to kick myself. It happens. Frequently. But I had gotten to a point where I could follow the distracted thoughts and still feel like this was meditation. I could watch my mind, watch the distractions.

But now, I get distracted, thoughts go everywhere, and when I notice it I feel like I had no idea what was going on. I wasn't watching my mind and the distractions, they took on a life of their own and became reality during meditation.

Hyun Ae and I are getting back to our normal reality and relationship, but I think we miss our hanging out last week. *??* I still have a hard time with thinking that she might think something about me beyond our circle of classmates. It's just impossible.

I miss her, but from me to her, that makes sense. From her to me makes no sense whatsoever on multiple levels. But today after lunch I mentioned to her that I wanted to go shopping for running clothes in Gongguan and asked her if she wanted to come. She immediately replied yes! Breaking up is so hard to do. She was ready to go with me today, but I had something to do so it will have to be tomorrow :p

I'm watching this. Nothing will happen between us, but I'm watching my feelings and seeing if any love can be stoked out of this. My feelings are my own personal experiment.

The "something" I had to do was check out a used bike someone was selling. It was super far away in Neihu District where I had been earlier in the month. This is from a bus crossing the Minquan Bridge over the Keelung River. Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN. Scan. The CD-R scan is sharper and overall better quality, but something just felt more "comfortable" about this "home" scan.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. The Drop (Peter Gabriel)
2. Teen Town (Kenwood Dennard)
3. Onna no Kappa (Southern All-Stars)
4. America (Simon & Garfunkel)
5. I Can't Quit You, Babe (Led Zeppelin)
6. Once a Thief (The Kinks)
7. Innocent When You Dream (78) (Tom Waits)
8. Strange Meadow Lark (Dave Brubeck Quartet)
9. Peace Music (Pizzicato Five)
10. Bring the Boys Back Home (live) (Pink Floyd)

WordsCharactersReading time

OK, whew, the word is in, it's over. That was the shortest non-relationship I ever had. And I had some pretty short non-relationships in my waning years in San Francisco. The Koreans said that they will wait for next year's models, so she can stop her research now, which means we won't be doing any extra-curricular hanging out anymore. There are some lingering questions, but as far as I'm concerned, it's over. At least until tomorrow.

Well, that was quite a distraction. Now I've lost track of this blog. That's always a good thing.

I'm still in Taiwan. Still haven't decided whether to go to the monastery or not, but let's just say not. Still don't know what I want to do or where I want to be. Removed from the monastery, my practice and focus are seriously suffering. Still can't connect with people. Still not grasping the Chinese language. Geez, suddenly that distraction wasn't so bad.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Behind the Mask (Yellow Magic Orchestra)
2. Slippery People (live) (Talking Heads)
3. Another Brick in the Wall, part II (Pink Floyd)
4. What's the Matter Here? (10,000 Maniacs)
5. Jailbreak (AC/DC)
6. It's The Hard-Knock Life ("Annie")
7. Whoop-Ass (Charlie Hunter Quintet)
8. Hinomoto no Uta (The Boom)
9. Venus, The Bringer of Peace (Holst - "The Planets")
10. Rock 'n' Roll With Me (David Bowie)

No idea what's going on anymore. Doesn't make sense. Don't know how I feel about it. Don't care. Certain facts are still facts and can't be helped.

I don't think I'm attractive. I don't think there's anything attractive about me to the average person. I think anyone who would be attracted to me would see something very specific, and it would be outside what people generally find attractive. I'm not stating this as fact, I know part of this is low self-esteem.

There is no reason why Hyun Ae should be wanting to spend so much time with me and I'm patiently waiting for it to end. First point of confoundment is that she has a boyfriend, so why does she seem to be treating me in a way that makes me feel like she's attracted to me, our arms rubbing and bumping against each other when we walk, standing tantalizingly close to each other, just killing time being with each other, not doing anything.

The second point of confoundment is that she doesn't seem like the kind of person who would see something specific in me that she's attracted to. And I don't think she's attracted to me. So she can't be attracted to me. But I don't know why she wants to be spending this much time with me.

Finally, I am too old for her. She doesn't know how old I am and I think she'd be absolutely shocked. I don't know how old she thinks I am, but she may be off by as much as 5 years.

We spent all day yesterday together. I left my apartment at 11:30 in the morning to meet up with her, and I didn't get home until about 9:30. I have no explanation. Then this afternoon, she unexpectedly called and said she'd be in my area and we met up. She came over to do some internet research on the bike thing, and then we went to dinner.

Almost every day for over a week we've been spending extended periods of time with each other, and the excuse has always been on her side – the bike research, and she doesn't need me to do this research. Eventually, she'll have to be done with the research and I'll see if she still makes moves to hang out. If she does, I'll help out, too, and start asking her to do things.

But, no, it will still not make any sense, and I can't let myself care.

Saturday July 22, Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN:

Zhishan MRT station, Shilin District. untouched CD-R

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Mr. Moustache (Nirvana)
2. I Never Dreamed (Slumber Party)
3. Buy Her Candy (Sleater-Kinney)
4. Script for a Jester's Tear (live) (Marillion)
5. Shy (live) (Ani DiFranco)
6. Out of Site (Built to Spill)
7. Private Eyes (Hall & Oates)
8. Symphony No. 10, II. Allegro (Shostakovich)
9. Wulu Dream (David Darling & the Wulu Bunun)
10. Rain Dogs (live) (Tom Waits)

WordsCharactersReading time

It was a week ago that Hyun Ae uncharacteristically called on a Friday night, uncharacteristically asking if I could get together with her on Saturday. She then uncharacteristically didn't bail on those plans. Since then, this has been Hyun Ae Week. All Hyun Ae, all the time.

We had our "bad" day today. Not that we're allowed to have "bad days", there is nothing between us and there is no potential for anything. We're just friends, so there is no "good" or "bad" days, just days as friends. Variable days as friends.

But circumstances today had it so that we didn't stick with each other all the time. One person even noticed it. We noticed it. But we both denied that there was anything that should be construed in a way that we should be sticking with each other. Although I think we both would have preferred it.

I don't know if it was awkward. It may have been, but if it was we both knew it was necessary, so it was OK. When we parted ways after lunch, I (uncharacteristically) told her to call me if she wanted to do something this weekend, and our eye contact lingered for just a few crucial seconds as we walked away from each other to let each other know that today('s bad day) wasn't personal.

So.

So...

So?

So nothing.

I wonder if I could fall in love with her, just as a mental exercise, and I realize I don't know what love is. I think people who have really touched love realize that they don't know what it is. Although there are people who have really touched love who do know what it is. Both exist.

I don't know, and I don't think I could fall in love with her anyway. Falling in love stopped being an option for me. I don't know when it happened, it just did. Some time after Josephine. When I didn't recover from that relationship.

Oh, she just messaged me asking if I could get together with her tomorrow. This is real-time blogging. And of course, I'm tickled yes. Have I mentioned how stupid I've been lately? Being stupid is underrated.

But no, I'm keeping this in perspective and taking this in stride. She's just my best friend here. She is my Sadie here. I have no intention of letting her become my Amina here.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Bellyache (Echobelly)
2. Tomorrow Never Knows (Phil Collins)
3. Play My Music (Exodus Steel Orchestra)
4. I Shall Scream ("Oliver!")
5. Skin Tight (Ohio Players)
6. She Watch Channel Zero?! (Public Enemy)
7. In the Flesh? (Pink Floyd)
8. With Every Light (Smashing Pumpkins)
9. Y Tu Que Has Hecho? (Compay Segundo - "Buena Vista Social Club")
10. New Feeling (live) (Talking Heads)

WordsCharactersReading time

It's only natural that we get stupid. Men are biologically programmed to get stupid when an issue involves women. 

It was supposed to be over yesterday. We were done with the bike thing. She's already gone over and beyond what could possibly be expected of a complete stranger, even within Korean culture. 

So how did it happen today, when she didn't even ask or suggest to me to go along with her to one more bike shop, it was just assumed that I was going? She didn't question it, I didn't question it, she wasn't surprised I was going, I wasn't surprised I was going. 

But when the group broke after lunch, that person went that way, those people went that way, and it was just us, her and me. We were going to this one more bike shop. I'm so stupid. 

And it was truly stupid, me with a major test tomorrow, and having assumed I would have all afternoon and evening to study. Instead, I went with her and came home later than any time this past week. 

But it's not an issue. This is not an issue. 

I even burst the bubble over dinner by mentioning her boyfriend. It was one thing for her to mention him, it's just a fact, but for me to mention him was acknowledgement. Fact received. That was followed up by her receiving a call from him when we were on the train, done for the day. I heard her say she was going to his house. 

This is not an issue. This is not a problem. We are simply having fun, and as long as I'm enjoying the time with her, I'm going to have fun. Being stupid is part of the game plan. When it's over, it'll be over. 

This is not an issue. This is not a problem. Yes, I'm studying Mandarin, but I'm not going to stress about tests, or grades, or improvement. I'm going to live my life. When it's over, it'll be over. 

iTunes soundtrack: 

1. Sometimes (My Bloody Valentine) 

2. Four Damaged Lemons (Blonde Redhead) 

3. Virginia Woolf (Indigo Girls) 

4. Bodies (Smashing Pumpkins) 

5. Je Reviens (Autour de Lucie) 

6. You're a Good Man, Albert Brown (Curse You, Red Barrel) (Dukes of Stratosphear) 

7. Tiger Rising (Mary Timony) 

8. When I'm Gone (Brenda Holloway) 

9. Misty Morning (Yuko Hara) 

10. Vamos (The Pixies)

Things should get back to normal with Hyun Ae now. I think most of her bike research mission is over and certainly my part of accompanying her to bike shops is. Today we went to Shilin as planned and things seemed pretty normal between us.

Now I can get back to writing about angsty stuff.

I wrote a while back about how it was a mystery whether she had a boyfriend or not, and even though I knew the answer I contributed an argument to two of our classmates why I didn't think she had a boyfriend.

I had noticed that she can be very tactile while talking. I noticed it with me and then I observed it with other guys. My argument was that behavior was not of someone who has a boyfriend. If her boyfriend was there it would be inappropriate for her to be so tactile, and I didn't think it made much of a difference that her boyfriend wasn't there. I don't think she was flirting, I think that's just her style, but it was flirty behavior and not something a boyfriend would be happy about if he were to observe it.

She doesn't mind touch, she doesn't mind arms rubbing against each other while walking and talking, she doesn't mind hands making casual contact. In the past few days our contact has been more than normal, but today it was pretty normal.

However, she knows about possible options for me to leave Taipei, and today she made a very indirect but definite comment that indicated that she doesn't want me to leave Taipei. Hm, inappropriate. Inappropriate of me to attach any significance to that.

Again, in the end, it's just flirting, it's just fancy, any other ideas beyond are absolutely impossible. The dark circles under my eyes are still there, still pronounced. When I see them in the mirror every morning, I remind myself that I'm going to die. We are all going to die. But I'm welcoming it.

1:23-1:24 p.m. - Being dorks. The Japanese guy was new in their class (I had left) and was very cool. He had to put up with us dorks.

I thought today would be back to normal but I'm nearing panic mode. I thought today would be back to normal when I didn't see Hyun Ae during either of her class breaks. Class breaks aren't deep times but we often touch base – all of us classmates from last semester.

I thought I was safe for the day because on Tuesday afternoons I have an extracurricular class and I'm finding I don't have time to lunch with the bunch. I thought that was it after not seeing her during her breaks and tomorrow is another day.

But after her class, she called. I was in the library studying. She didn't have to twist my arm to get me packed and going to lunch with her and Takako. Quick lunch, but surprise she wanted to hit some more bike shops so we planned on meeting after my class.

After yesterday I was less confident that she would bail and she didn't. Three hours of what was supposed to be study time as I have tests on Thursday and Friday.

We're supposed to be exchanging hugs goodbye, we're supposed to be kissing goodbye. wut? But she has a boyfriend. This connection isn't right. We hang out, we spend time together, we enjoy each other's company and then we're supposed to part ways. But when we part ways, we make one last connection, and it's not a kiss or a hug, but it is.

Again tomorrow? She was saying, yes, she wants to tomorrow. I have a test on Thursday? She didn't say anything direct, but she hinted and I said I would make room tomorrow, damn the test. What the hell is wrong with me? This isn't right, and it won't happen.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Isolation (Joy Division)
2. Way of the Ocean (Three Mile Pilot)
3. Dos Gardenias (Ibrahim Ferrer)
4. Where Did You Sleep Last Night? (live) (Nirvana)
5. Connection (Elastica)
6. Nite Flight (Lee Morgan)
7. Sinkhole (Throwing Muses)
8. Doe (The Breeders)
9. Pulled Up (live) (Talking Heads)
10. Bend Down Low (Bob Marley & the Wailers)

WordsCharactersReading time

It's going too far. I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing. And so is she.

We had already said goodbye for the day after lunch. I was almost home, in the middle of crossing XinSheng Road before reaching my block, when I got her call. Just by her calling and asking me where I was, I knew to turn around first, and then ask why she was calling.

She wanted more help with her bike research. But "help" isn't the right word. She didn't need my help. She's perfectly capable of doing what she needed to do on her own.

The backstory is that a sort-of acquaintance of hers in Korea has a sort-of acquaintance with someone who wants to buy a bunch of high-end mountain bikes from Taiwan to sell in Korea. So knowing Hyun Ae was on the ground in Taiwan, she ended up being enlisted to to gather information, even though she knows next to nothing about bikes and barely even knows how to ride one. That's the way the Korean network works. Apparently it would be a social faux pas for Hyun Ae to come up with less than full satisfaction for the person requesting the information.

The first thing Hyun Ae did was to call me last Friday night. I'm trying to trace the progression of this thing. Last Friday night, our relationship was absolute. We were just friends, she has a boyfriend, I'm still considering going to the monastery, I'm too old for her, it's just fancy, it's just flirting. But we were good friends – that feeling that we can make certain assumptions and take certain liberties.

Friday night we planned to get together on Saturday. I was surprised first that she was agreeing to meet up on a weekend, I thought she would wait to discuss it on Monday at school. Then on Saturday, I was pretty confident, based on our past interactions, that she would bail. I was ready to go about my own plans on Saturday when I was surprised second that she called and still wanted to do a round of bike research. Still, it was nothing terribly out of the ordinary. It was a one-off thing. We did it, even though I spent more time with one person than I'm normally comfortable with.

Sunday, I sent her a link I have with all the major bike shops in Taipei. She responded thanks, everything back to normal, meeting my expectation that she would shut down any idea that we would meet.

Today, it was unusual for her to call me after we had already parted ways, but her other plans for the afternoon fell through and maybe it was the press of being Korean that she had to do this thing. She had printed out the bike shops list I sent and she wanted to visit some, but it started raining and we ended up in the school library lobby on a couch and talked for more than an hour. That was unusual. Either we were going to visit bike shops, or we were going home. We weren't going to waste a chunk of time simply in each other's company. We did.

No kissing meditation. Today, my mind sent one arm around her on one side, the other around her on the other side. Right arm coming up to her neck, left arm running around her waist. Snake striking and coiling around a mouse, squeezing, embracing. I didn't want to. I had to study.

We left it on the couch and parted ways at the school gate. I had to study. What was that about? She has a boyfriend. But if I'm thinking this much about her as a result of our interactions, I would be a fool to assume she wasn't. This can't go beyond this.

Sunday July 16, Pentax ZX-5n, Kodak BW400CN:

Shilin District, Taipei. CD-R, untouched

Waishuangxi (Waishuang Stream), Shilin District. CD-R

Scan. The CD-R cropped the man's reflection in the water so I couldn't use it.

CD-R

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Leave You Behind (Sleater-Kinney)
2. Black Little Stray (Shannon Wright)
3. Strawberry Julius (Bikini Kill)
4. Garden Party (live) (Marillion)
5. August (Rilo Kiley)
6. Death or Glory (The Clash)
7. Hail, Hail (live) (Pearl Jam)
8. On The Run (Pink Floyd)
9. Cruel (Enon)
10. In A Little While (U2)

WordsCharactersReading time

There are not many people I can spend hours and hours with and not get bored, not get antsy, and not do something about it. I didn’t mind changing my plans to accommodate her plans, just as I was about to reach for the door and head out for the day.

I enjoyed going from bike shop to bike shop to help her on her errand and explain to her what little I know about bikes. It was still more than she knew, so she felt I was a great help. And fortunate for me, the main drag for bike shops is just down the street from where I live.

It rained intermittently all afternoon, as the last of the recent typhoon was still moving offshore.

She treated me to dinner for my help. I was feeling the social fear creep in. How am I going to get through another couple hours without boring her? How about the other stuff I need to be doing? But I didn’t run, we’ve known each other for four and a half months, and as language students in Taiwan, we were familiars. Good friends.

As we continued talking after finishing eating, my concentration waned as I’m not used to spending this much time with one person, concentrating for this much time on one person, one person as charming as her. As pretty as her. Is she pretty? She’s not not pretty. She’s more charming than pretty. But she’s pretty. Her charm emphasizes the pretty. The corner of her eyes, her lip movement as she talked, her face changes as she smiled, she was relaxed with me, and I with her.

I didn’t want to kiss her, but I launched into the visualization anyway. Kissing her. Lips together, mouths moving, munch, munch. Isolate the two sets of teeth in space, isolate the two tongues in space. Banana slugs. Two people. Which one am I? Two people kissing. Isolate the four eyeballs in space, the brain behind her eyeballs. This is another person, why would they want to be kissing me, lips locked, munch, munch? Her brain full of memories I have no idea about, ideas, thoughts and feelings I have no idea about. I have no idea what else her eyes have seen. She showed me a picture of her from last November with long hair. I wouldn’t have recognized her. I don’t know who she is. The life she has lived. I don’t know how old she is, just that she is way too young for me. Pull away from the kiss. Her spit on my lips. Gross? Yum? It depends on whether she says the words “my boyfriend”. And today, she never did.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Good Night (The Beatles)
2. Beam Me Up (Rare Air)
3. Sweet Sixteen (B.B. King)
4. Unknown Legend (Neil Young)
5. Doll Parts (Hole)
6. A Little More Mascara ("La Cage Aux Folles")
7. Shambelle (The Police)
8. I'm Gonna Crawl (Led Zeppelin)
9. Day Tripper (Yellow Magic Orchestra)
10. It's So Delicious (Dreams Come True)