Relationships are no where on the map of my future life plan. I have no interest and I can't even imagine what it would take to get me to the point where I would actually consider it. Mind you, I still react to human proximity suggestive of intimacy, and I'm perfectly eligible for being seduced without much resistance, I shouldn't wonder.
I don't know how that all works with the current dominant aspects of my life which hint at a more resolute . . . "moral" fiber, but it hasn't exactly been an issue for the past, oh, 7 years or so. I'm not worried or holding my breath. Or taking cold showers.
There's nothing about relationships I miss. However, I did think of one thing I would like in a relationship. I would like to be there when my loved one was dying, hold her in my arms and smile and be happy for her, happy for our times together, happy for all that she had given me. Support her while she died with positive energy. Smile and laugh while saying goodbye. That would be nice. Not worth getting into a relationship for that, though.
iTunes soundtrack:
1. Will You Love Me Tomorrow? (Carole King)
2. Styrofoam Plates (Death Cab for Cutie)
3. On Guard (Le Tigre)
4. Waitress (live) (Tori Amos)
5. What Does It Take (To Win Your Love) (Junior Walker & the All-Stars)
6. PDA (Interpol)
7. Changes (live) (David Bowie)
8. Long Knives (Rainer Maria)
9. Wind-Up (Jethro Tull)
10. Egypt (Kate Bush)
Thursday, January 26, 2006
I went with my brother this evening to see Avenue Q on Broadway. It far exceeded my expectations. I had heard that it was probably the most inventive show to come to Broadway in recent memory, but even being prepped, it was still amazing seeing it executed. Rolling in the aisles hilarious. It also had probably the most raunchiest sex scenes ever on a Broadway stage. By muppets no less.
This is in contrast to "Mama Mia" which I went to involuntarily a few weeks ago. I thought it was terrible, mostly because of the sound design. The music was pumped through the speakers at near rock show volumes that you couldn't tell if there were real musicians playing, and the singers were constantly competing with it. It came across to me as contrived and meaningless.
I sent out my application for that language course this morning. So I might be in Taiwan in a month. It's not surreal yet, but I'm sure it will be soon.
iTunes soundtrack:
1. December (Unwound)
2. Too Many Mornings ("Follies" - Sondheim)
3. Win (David Bowie)
4. Khushiyon Ka Din Aaya Hai ("Beta")
5. Starmaker (Julie Plug)
6. Ain't No Mountain High Enough (Diana Ross)
7. Please, Please (Stacy's Song) (Julie Plug)
8. Stand In Traffic (Skip Holiday)
9. Echo (Sweet Honey in the Rock)
10. Apple Scruffs (George Harrison)
This is in contrast to "Mama Mia" which I went to involuntarily a few weeks ago. I thought it was terrible, mostly because of the sound design. The music was pumped through the speakers at near rock show volumes that you couldn't tell if there were real musicians playing, and the singers were constantly competing with it. It came across to me as contrived and meaningless.
I sent out my application for that language course this morning. So I might be in Taiwan in a month. It's not surreal yet, but I'm sure it will be soon.
iTunes soundtrack:
1. December (Unwound)
2. Too Many Mornings ("Follies" - Sondheim)
3. Win (David Bowie)
4. Khushiyon Ka Din Aaya Hai ("Beta")
5. Starmaker (Julie Plug)
6. Ain't No Mountain High Enough (Diana Ross)
7. Please, Please (Stacy's Song) (Julie Plug)
8. Stand In Traffic (Skip Holiday)
9. Echo (Sweet Honey in the Rock)
10. Apple Scruffs (George Harrison)
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Mind you, dark energy is complete hypothesis, and coming out of the scientific community should not give it any more validity than any other intangible, albeit deeply held, spiritual belief. Scientific theory as spiritual belief? Yes, I think it depends on how far you take it.
If you take the scientific pursuit far enough, especially down the quantum physics path, you find yourself in an existential pool with a lot of spiritual questions rubbing against your legs as you try to stay afloat. Walking down a spiritual path, if you ignore science, i.e. observation of the natural world, then maybe your faith is bigger than your Bible, whatever bible you use.
Science is spot on accurate when applied to the directly observable natural world. With the indirectly observable world, the odds are still in its favor because of the method, but there's a lot more room for error. And then with corporate tampering or academic politics in the form of financing and prestige, there's even more room for error.
But theoretical science is where faith comes in. Early astronomers arguably weren't always making direct observations. They were watching abstract points of light in the sky and trying to deduce what natural forces were at play. They weren't directly observing the forces. And believing them wasn't a matter of necessarily being able to make tests and predictions. There was a certain element of faith involved. You can review the findings, recreate the observations, but in the end you can disbelieve the resulting theory.
And every few hundred years, the entire formulation of the cosmos had to be destroyed and re-worked! So even when talking science, "science" needs to be qualified. Newton has survived, but he had to be amended by Einstein. Einstein is holding up pretty well, but then we have that little problem with quantum mechanics.
In 300 hundred years, maybe all of this will go out the door again, maybe our rock solid faith in our theories based on indirect observation will have to be amended. Maybe religion should learn something from the flexibility of science.
If you take the scientific pursuit far enough, especially down the quantum physics path, you find yourself in an existential pool with a lot of spiritual questions rubbing against your legs as you try to stay afloat. Walking down a spiritual path, if you ignore science, i.e. observation of the natural world, then maybe your faith is bigger than your Bible, whatever bible you use.
Science is spot on accurate when applied to the directly observable natural world. With the indirectly observable world, the odds are still in its favor because of the method, but there's a lot more room for error. And then with corporate tampering or academic politics in the form of financing and prestige, there's even more room for error.
But theoretical science is where faith comes in. Early astronomers arguably weren't always making direct observations. They were watching abstract points of light in the sky and trying to deduce what natural forces were at play. They weren't directly observing the forces. And believing them wasn't a matter of necessarily being able to make tests and predictions. There was a certain element of faith involved. You can review the findings, recreate the observations, but in the end you can disbelieve the resulting theory.
And every few hundred years, the entire formulation of the cosmos had to be destroyed and re-worked! So even when talking science, "science" needs to be qualified. Newton has survived, but he had to be amended by Einstein. Einstein is holding up pretty well, but then we have that little problem with quantum mechanics.
In 300 hundred years, maybe all of this will go out the door again, maybe our rock solid faith in our theories based on indirect observation will have to be amended. Maybe religion should learn something from the flexibility of science.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Dude, whoa. I had this flash of a thought this morning equating consciousness, or the origin of consciousness, or maybe sentience, with dark energy, an as-of-yet unknown and mysterious force hypothesized to comprise almost 75% of the total universe. However, in the bright light of day, the idea is a bit too grandiose and far-fetched.
I must have been such a hippie in the 60's. Deep, man.
The way I figure it, my spiritual investigation into existence needs to delve into the origins of human consciousness. I don't believe in a "God" that is separate from ourselves that arbitrarily created us just to arbitrarily judge us in the end. That concept makes so little sense that I don't even know where to begin about how little sense it makes. It's so fraught with human projection that how it could possibly be regarded as "divine" is beyond me.
Delving into human consciousness in the grand scheme of things runs into the problem that human beings are bit players in the grand scheme of things. Spirituality tries to attach some meaning to our existence in the grand scheme of things, but if the history of the universe was placed on a 12 month calendar, humans occupy hardly a few seconds approaching midnight on December 31st.
There might be spiritual meaning to our existence, but it needs to take into consideration that our individual lives are just not that important.
So I try to trace back human consciousness to its beginning, to its source. Where did it come from? What is it in the grand scheme of things? How did the universe come from a place where human consciousness did not exist to get to a place where it did exist?
I think about how did this planet come from a place where life did not exist to get to a place where life did exist. The current theory is that all the naturally occuring elements required for organic life were present on this planet, as they are suspected of existing on numerous planets throughout the universe. The combination is not uncommon.
We had the "primordial soup", we had an atmosphere, and with all the conditions in place, energy, in the form of naturally occuring lightning, created the first amino acids, which became the building blocks for life. It's so simple and not uncommon that it is hypothesized that the universe is teeming with organic life.
Getting to sentience, much less human sentience and consciousness, is another matter. It may have been a long development of evolution for it to come into being, but what is its source? What is the ground out of which it was able to develop?
So I was just playing with the idea of how little we know. Almost 75% of the universe is completely unknown in what we're arbitrarily calling "dark energy" in affirmative pronouncement, as well as denial, of our ignorance.
Then I think of the theorized 4% of what comprises the observable universe, all we can detect, all that we know about. Much of it is known in various forms of electro-magnetic energy. 75% "dark energy". 4% known energy. My thought came out of thinking that dark energy isn't this one monolithic thing, that there are multiple, multiple, multiple types of "dark energy" as there are electro-magnetic energy, permeating the universe.
And as it may have been lightning that provided the energy to catalyze the formation of life on this arbitrary planet, I'm wondering if something similar might have happened to form sentience or consciousness, or human consciousness out of some refined form of what we're calling dark energy which permeates the universe. It's everywhere, it's here right now, we just can't detect it, just as we can't detect consciousness.
I'm seriously not proposing this at all seriously.
What I am proposing is that human consciousness is a form of something that is naturally formed by natural elements that exist in the universe, albeit exotic to our current scientific understanding. It may be rare. It may be unique in the specific form it has taken on this planet. But in the grand scheme of things it's not something uncommon or mystical.
Even in a spiritual interpretation, what we're deeming "spiritual" is something naturally occuring in the dark energy. Spirituality is the best scientific tool we have to investigate this natural phenomenon. That is what I think spirituality should be, not the garbage organized religions brainwash people to think and believe.
A spiritual investigation into the nature of the self, consciousness, and existence should not lead people to oppress, persecute, or denigrate other people. It should not try to teach people 'what is', implying that other beliefs are 'what is not'.
Now, for Buddhists, that ground of reality, consciousness, and existence is the ultimate reality, referred to as Buddha nature. It is the ultimate, the absolute – non-created, non-destroyed, non-dualistic, all things inextricably interconnected. The form Buddhism took on this planet, with its ideals of compassion and equanimity, was more or less a fabrication by living beings on this planet necessary to promote interest in these teachings of well-being and respect for other beings as a means of striving for enlightenment.
Is the essence of Buddhist teaching naturally formed? That's what I'm suggesting. But then there's a reason why Buddhism is so consonant with science, more so than God-based spiritualities. I'm not suggesting either way is right or wrong. Just what makes sense to me.
soundtrack:
1. Fireplace (REM)
2. The Smartest Monkeys (XTC)
3. Change It (live) (Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble)
4. She (Suede)
5. (Just Like) Starting Over (John Lennon)
6. Strawberry Fields Forever (Take 7 & Edit Piece) (The Beatles)
7. I Can't Imagine the World Without Me (Echobelly)
8. Rudy (live) (Supertramp)
9. One More Day (The Neville Brothers)
10. Tell Him (Lauryn Hill)
I must have been such a hippie in the 60's. Deep, man.
The way I figure it, my spiritual investigation into existence needs to delve into the origins of human consciousness. I don't believe in a "God" that is separate from ourselves that arbitrarily created us just to arbitrarily judge us in the end. That concept makes so little sense that I don't even know where to begin about how little sense it makes. It's so fraught with human projection that how it could possibly be regarded as "divine" is beyond me.
Delving into human consciousness in the grand scheme of things runs into the problem that human beings are bit players in the grand scheme of things. Spirituality tries to attach some meaning to our existence in the grand scheme of things, but if the history of the universe was placed on a 12 month calendar, humans occupy hardly a few seconds approaching midnight on December 31st.
There might be spiritual meaning to our existence, but it needs to take into consideration that our individual lives are just not that important.
So I try to trace back human consciousness to its beginning, to its source. Where did it come from? What is it in the grand scheme of things? How did the universe come from a place where human consciousness did not exist to get to a place where it did exist?
I think about how did this planet come from a place where life did not exist to get to a place where life did exist. The current theory is that all the naturally occuring elements required for organic life were present on this planet, as they are suspected of existing on numerous planets throughout the universe. The combination is not uncommon.
We had the "primordial soup", we had an atmosphere, and with all the conditions in place, energy, in the form of naturally occuring lightning, created the first amino acids, which became the building blocks for life. It's so simple and not uncommon that it is hypothesized that the universe is teeming with organic life.
Getting to sentience, much less human sentience and consciousness, is another matter. It may have been a long development of evolution for it to come into being, but what is its source? What is the ground out of which it was able to develop?
So I was just playing with the idea of how little we know. Almost 75% of the universe is completely unknown in what we're arbitrarily calling "dark energy" in affirmative pronouncement, as well as denial, of our ignorance.
Then I think of the theorized 4% of what comprises the observable universe, all we can detect, all that we know about. Much of it is known in various forms of electro-magnetic energy. 75% "dark energy". 4% known energy. My thought came out of thinking that dark energy isn't this one monolithic thing, that there are multiple, multiple, multiple types of "dark energy" as there are electro-magnetic energy, permeating the universe.
And as it may have been lightning that provided the energy to catalyze the formation of life on this arbitrary planet, I'm wondering if something similar might have happened to form sentience or consciousness, or human consciousness out of some refined form of what we're calling dark energy which permeates the universe. It's everywhere, it's here right now, we just can't detect it, just as we can't detect consciousness.
I'm seriously not proposing this at all seriously.
What I am proposing is that human consciousness is a form of something that is naturally formed by natural elements that exist in the universe, albeit exotic to our current scientific understanding. It may be rare. It may be unique in the specific form it has taken on this planet. But in the grand scheme of things it's not something uncommon or mystical.
Even in a spiritual interpretation, what we're deeming "spiritual" is something naturally occuring in the dark energy. Spirituality is the best scientific tool we have to investigate this natural phenomenon. That is what I think spirituality should be, not the garbage organized religions brainwash people to think and believe.
A spiritual investigation into the nature of the self, consciousness, and existence should not lead people to oppress, persecute, or denigrate other people. It should not try to teach people 'what is', implying that other beliefs are 'what is not'.
Now, for Buddhists, that ground of reality, consciousness, and existence is the ultimate reality, referred to as Buddha nature. It is the ultimate, the absolute – non-created, non-destroyed, non-dualistic, all things inextricably interconnected. The form Buddhism took on this planet, with its ideals of compassion and equanimity, was more or less a fabrication by living beings on this planet necessary to promote interest in these teachings of well-being and respect for other beings as a means of striving for enlightenment.
Is the essence of Buddhist teaching naturally formed? That's what I'm suggesting. But then there's a reason why Buddhism is so consonant with science, more so than God-based spiritualities. I'm not suggesting either way is right or wrong. Just what makes sense to me.
soundtrack:
1. Fireplace (REM)
2. The Smartest Monkeys (XTC)
3. Change It (live) (Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble)
4. She (Suede)
5. (Just Like) Starting Over (John Lennon)
6. Strawberry Fields Forever (Take 7 & Edit Piece) (The Beatles)
7. I Can't Imagine the World Without Me (Echobelly)
8. Rudy (live) (Supertramp)
9. One More Day (The Neville Brothers)
10. Tell Him (Lauryn Hill)
Sunday, January 22, 2006
I finished a bottle of 151 rum in one week. That's a sobering fact. This is the stuff that is supposed to force moderation, and it might not last any longer than a 1.75l bottle of regular liquor. There's only one way to find out. I wouldn't mind. It'd be cheaper.
And I think the 151 rum is destroying my voice. I don't exactly have a wide vocal range, but I haven't been able to hit any notes near what I'm supposed to. It feels like my vocal cords are shredded.
current soundtrack:
1. Tabako ga suitai (Sekiri) "I want a cigarette"
2. Virginia Avenue (Tom Waits)
3. Raining (Versus)
4. Ice (Sarah McLachlan)
5. Gravity Rides Everything (Modest Mouse)
6. Living for the City (Stevie Wonder)
7. Glass and the Ghost Children (Smashing Pumpkins) maybe the single worst Pumpkins song
8. Kayleigh (alternate mix) (Marillion)
9. Ancient Cryme (Helium)
10. Nezasa Shirabe (Katsuya Yokoyama)
And I think the 151 rum is destroying my voice. I don't exactly have a wide vocal range, but I haven't been able to hit any notes near what I'm supposed to. It feels like my vocal cords are shredded.
current soundtrack:
1. Tabako ga suitai (Sekiri) "I want a cigarette"
2. Virginia Avenue (Tom Waits)
3. Raining (Versus)
4. Ice (Sarah McLachlan)
5. Gravity Rides Everything (Modest Mouse)
6. Living for the City (Stevie Wonder)
7. Glass and the Ghost Children (Smashing Pumpkins) maybe the single worst Pumpkins song
8. Kayleigh (alternate mix) (Marillion)
9. Ancient Cryme (Helium)
10. Nezasa Shirabe (Katsuya Yokoyama)
Friday, January 20, 2006
I thought this was kind of cool. I took an online quiz yesterday on psychic abilities or something, just for fun. As opposed to the online quizzes I take totally seriously.
I took it knowing I have no psychic abilities. I took it with a healthy skepticism regarding "psychic abilities" in general. Still, I've had my share of seriously weird shit come down in my life. Shit that made me go, "whoa!" like Keanu Reeves, but things worth going "whoa!" about.
Anyway, as an observation, I noted the vagueness of the questions and how many were conditional and could go either way. So I did the quiz twice, once with all the answers going one way – the skeptical way, and once with all the answers going the other way, giving benefit of doubt to all the weird occurrences.
And there are problems with most of the questions. Such as "Have you ever experienced a premonition or dream of the future?". Compare that to "Have you ever experienced a premonition or dream of the future that actually came true?".
"Do bright lights bother you – car headlights, for example?" If they're shining directly into my eyes, yes. If they're off in the distance, no. "Would you say you've been lucky in your life so far?" In some ways, yes, in other ways, no. Who isn't like that?
Anyway, the results were predictable, but both times my "clairvoyance" rating was higher than the others. Did I take that to mean anything? No. Did I even know what that is? Not really. I closed the test without deeming it worthy of posting the results.
Then my alarm awoke me this morning at precisely 8:00 A.M. That's no problem. I have no problem waking up at 8 in the morning. Except my alarm was set to 9:00, and has been for the past six months, and nothing in the past 24 hours even suggested that I had changed, intentionally or accidentally, the alarm to 8:00 A.M.
Weird? Yes.
Explanation? No.
Very weird? Yes.
Significant? Skeptic: no. Weirdo: Someone is reminding me that things are not as they seem.
Do I care? Eh.
(I have two indicators of time in the morning, both set to do something at 9:00. One is the alarm, and the other is a light on a timer that turns off at 2:30, after a 2:00 bedtime as part of the "sleep as dying" practice. So when my alarm went off this morning (I turn it off without looking at the time since I know what time it is), I noticed something wrong when some time later, the light hadn't turned on.)
iTunes shuffled soundtrack:
1. Loner Getaway Car (764-HERO)
2. Your Gold Dress (Dukes of Stratosphear)
3. Overture/Audition ("42nd Street")
4. Grapefruit Moon (Tom Waits)
5. Evil Woman (Electric Light Orchestra)
6. The Show Must Go On (Queen)
7. Rhinosaur (Soundgarden)
8. Waterhole (Marillion)
9. Piano concerto No. 1, I. Allegro maestoso (Chopin)
10. Run (Supergrass)
I took it knowing I have no psychic abilities. I took it with a healthy skepticism regarding "psychic abilities" in general. Still, I've had my share of seriously weird shit come down in my life. Shit that made me go, "whoa!" like Keanu Reeves, but things worth going "whoa!" about.
Anyway, as an observation, I noted the vagueness of the questions and how many were conditional and could go either way. So I did the quiz twice, once with all the answers going one way – the skeptical way, and once with all the answers going the other way, giving benefit of doubt to all the weird occurrences.
And there are problems with most of the questions. Such as "Have you ever experienced a premonition or dream of the future?". Compare that to "Have you ever experienced a premonition or dream of the future that actually came true?".
"Do bright lights bother you – car headlights, for example?" If they're shining directly into my eyes, yes. If they're off in the distance, no. "Would you say you've been lucky in your life so far?" In some ways, yes, in other ways, no. Who isn't like that?
Anyway, the results were predictable, but both times my "clairvoyance" rating was higher than the others. Did I take that to mean anything? No. Did I even know what that is? Not really. I closed the test without deeming it worthy of posting the results.
Then my alarm awoke me this morning at precisely 8:00 A.M. That's no problem. I have no problem waking up at 8 in the morning. Except my alarm was set to 9:00, and has been for the past six months, and nothing in the past 24 hours even suggested that I had changed, intentionally or accidentally, the alarm to 8:00 A.M.
Weird? Yes.
Explanation? No.
Very weird? Yes.
Significant? Skeptic: no. Weirdo: Someone is reminding me that things are not as they seem.
Do I care? Eh.
(I have two indicators of time in the morning, both set to do something at 9:00. One is the alarm, and the other is a light on a timer that turns off at 2:30, after a 2:00 bedtime as part of the "sleep as dying" practice. So when my alarm went off this morning (I turn it off without looking at the time since I know what time it is), I noticed something wrong when some time later, the light hadn't turned on.)
iTunes shuffled soundtrack:
1. Loner Getaway Car (764-HERO)
2. Your Gold Dress (Dukes of Stratosphear)
3. Overture/Audition ("42nd Street")
4. Grapefruit Moon (Tom Waits)
5. Evil Woman (Electric Light Orchestra)
6. The Show Must Go On (Queen)
7. Rhinosaur (Soundgarden)
8. Waterhole (Marillion)
9. Piano concerto No. 1, I. Allegro maestoso (Chopin)
10. Run (Supergrass)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Trying to steer clear of my negativity, which my surroundings and circumstances aren't helping, by keeping my mouth shut. I'm on the verge of completely losing it. And one can only keep hoping that I do.
Easing the torpor, perhaps, Liz says she'll send me a copy of her 2005 mix. That prompted me to look at what I've been listening to in 2005 to see if any of it was mix-worthy. Here's what I'm contemplating, in order:
1. New Killer Star (David Bowie) this song goes on my list of greatest album openers
2. Waupu Odabala (Betel Nuts compilation) Taiwanese/polynesian aboriginal music
3. Sambita (Kinky) several years old Mexican electronica/funk/rock/dance
4. Suspended from Class (Camera Obscura) not sure about this position
5. Katun no Sadame (Fate of Khatun) (Ichiko Hashimoto - RahXephon soundtrack)
6. Mushaboom (Feist) Leslie Feist makes me weak in the knees
7. The Wayback (Whysall Lane) their album is finally slated for release in February, and if this track is any indication, it will be as good as any Versus album.
8. Cassiopeia (Joanna Newsom) referred to by her. There is too little indie harp music out there. or too much.
9. King Without a Crown (Matisyahu) "What's this feeling/My love will burn a hole through the ceiling"
10. Blue Flow (Heart of Air - Haibane Renmei soundtrack, but not on the soundtrack CD)
11. Leaning Against the Wall (Evil Tordivel Upbeat Remake) (Kings of Convenience) any remake of a Kings of Convenience song is bound to be more upbeat.
12. Temptation of Egg (Giant Sand) also several years old
13. You're in a Bad Way (Saint Etienne) really old, not sure if this will stay
14. Yo Pitatalaen (Betel Nuts compilation)
15. Three Little Babes (Joanna Newsom)
16. Paths of Victory (Cat Power) Bob Dylan cover used in the film North Country.
17. Ue o Muite (Sunday Girls) Tasteful modern cover of my favorite Japanese oldie of all time. Actually it's the only Japanese "oldie" I know, popularly known as Sukiyaki, a title that reflects the racist norm of the time. It's foreign, it's Asian, but people seem to like it and so it needs a title, just use any whatever Oriental-sounding word.
18. A Man/Me/Then Jim (Rilo Kiley)
19. Goodnight Moon (Shivaree) from one of the Kill Bill movies.
Easing the torpor, perhaps, Liz says she'll send me a copy of her 2005 mix. That prompted me to look at what I've been listening to in 2005 to see if any of it was mix-worthy. Here's what I'm contemplating, in order:
1. New Killer Star (David Bowie) this song goes on my list of greatest album openers
2. Waupu Odabala (Betel Nuts compilation) Taiwanese/polynesian aboriginal music
3. Sambita (Kinky) several years old Mexican electronica/funk/rock/dance
4. Suspended from Class (Camera Obscura) not sure about this position
5. Katun no Sadame (Fate of Khatun) (Ichiko Hashimoto - RahXephon soundtrack)
6. Mushaboom (Feist) Leslie Feist makes me weak in the knees
7. The Wayback (Whysall Lane) their album is finally slated for release in February, and if this track is any indication, it will be as good as any Versus album.
8. Cassiopeia (Joanna Newsom) referred to by her. There is too little indie harp music out there. or too much.
9. King Without a Crown (Matisyahu) "What's this feeling/My love will burn a hole through the ceiling"
10. Blue Flow (Heart of Air - Haibane Renmei soundtrack, but not on the soundtrack CD)
11. Leaning Against the Wall (Evil Tordivel Upbeat Remake) (Kings of Convenience) any remake of a Kings of Convenience song is bound to be more upbeat.
12. Temptation of Egg (Giant Sand) also several years old
13. You're in a Bad Way (Saint Etienne) really old, not sure if this will stay
14. Yo Pitatalaen (Betel Nuts compilation)
15. Three Little Babes (Joanna Newsom)
16. Paths of Victory (Cat Power) Bob Dylan cover used in the film North Country.
17. Ue o Muite (Sunday Girls) Tasteful modern cover of my favorite Japanese oldie of all time. Actually it's the only Japanese "oldie" I know, popularly known as Sukiyaki, a title that reflects the racist norm of the time. It's foreign, it's Asian, but people seem to like it and so it needs a title, just use any whatever Oriental-sounding word.
18. A Man/Me/Then Jim (Rilo Kiley)
19. Goodnight Moon (Shivaree) from one of the Kill Bill movies.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I find, not surprisingly, that using falling asleep as a meditative "rehearsal" for dying is a more tangible version of my general personal inquiry into existence and reality. It's a direct confrontation of my surroundings and senses, as a representative of my surroundings and senses the rest of the time, that this will all subjectively become nothing. That's the reality. The surroundings and senses rendered illusory.
It continues in the morning when confronted with another day of the illusion of surroundings and senses, usually with 45 minutes of just sitting quietly in my own mind. These days, my immediate future comes up for contemplation.
Within the next month or so, I might be in Taiwan. A host of steps still need to be taken for this to happen. The logistics are far from concrete. Things like having no idea what I will be doing once I step out of the airport. These things need to be settled. I need to know where I'll be going from the airport and how, for starters.
I've trained myself not to get stressed out about the future. The illusion of the future is a vast, heartbreaking unknown. It's very intangible. It will change my current situation. By nature that is what the future is supposed to do.
Switch focus to my past, looking at how I got here from there, it doesn't matter. It's all gone. When rehearsing dying, fading to sleep, trying to keep my eyes open and aware of my immediate surroundings and senses, those feeling are no different from the past memories I have. Then die, fall asleep.
The future is not here yet, the past is gone, live in the present moment, sitting quietly for 45 minutes. The present moment isn't even tangible. Each time I try to identify the present moment to live in it, it almost immediately becomes the past.
That's supposed to be sorta profound. Or not.
iTunes soundtrack shuffle:
1. Fake French (Le Tigre)
2. Fading ("Haibane Renmei")
3. It Would Have Been Wonderful ("A Little Night Music" - Sondheim)
4. Final Storm ("Secret Garden")
5. Sexthinkone (Shriekback)
6. Humdrum (live) (Peter Gabriel)
7. Duppy Conqueror (The Wailers)
8. Buzz (Throwing Muses)
9. The Colonial Wing (10,000 Maniacs)
10. Testify (Parliament)
It continues in the morning when confronted with another day of the illusion of surroundings and senses, usually with 45 minutes of just sitting quietly in my own mind. These days, my immediate future comes up for contemplation.
Within the next month or so, I might be in Taiwan. A host of steps still need to be taken for this to happen. The logistics are far from concrete. Things like having no idea what I will be doing once I step out of the airport. These things need to be settled. I need to know where I'll be going from the airport and how, for starters.
I've trained myself not to get stressed out about the future. The illusion of the future is a vast, heartbreaking unknown. It's very intangible. It will change my current situation. By nature that is what the future is supposed to do.
Switch focus to my past, looking at how I got here from there, it doesn't matter. It's all gone. When rehearsing dying, fading to sleep, trying to keep my eyes open and aware of my immediate surroundings and senses, those feeling are no different from the past memories I have. Then die, fall asleep.
The future is not here yet, the past is gone, live in the present moment, sitting quietly for 45 minutes. The present moment isn't even tangible. Each time I try to identify the present moment to live in it, it almost immediately becomes the past.
That's supposed to be sorta profound. Or not.
iTunes soundtrack shuffle:
1. Fake French (Le Tigre)
2. Fading ("Haibane Renmei")
3. It Would Have Been Wonderful ("A Little Night Music" - Sondheim)
4. Final Storm ("Secret Garden")
5. Sexthinkone (Shriekback)
6. Humdrum (live) (Peter Gabriel)
7. Duppy Conqueror (The Wailers)
8. Buzz (Throwing Muses)
9. The Colonial Wing (10,000 Maniacs)
10. Testify (Parliament)
Thursday, January 12, 2006
"Why would anybody want to spend a bunch of money to sit down in the theatre and have nothing happen to them? I don't understand why they'd want to go and have a safe, pleasant experience which they can forget about as soon as they leave the theatre. What a waste of this powerful thing called life." - Edward Albee
Stupid me. For a second there, I thought he was talking about life. But in my reading, he was.
I get to go for an HIV test tomorrow in case I decide to go for that language course in Taipei. I'm still undecided about the course, but knowing myself, the more I do things to prepare "just in case", the more momentum I'm picking up to go for it, despite any other factors.
And quite honestly, there aren't many "other factors". Go!
This will be the second HIV test I've gotten. I won't say anything about the ridiculous circumstances in which I got my first one, except that at my interview, the woman was *this* close to asking me what the hell was I doing there. My answers placed me in the lowest risk category. At this point, I guarantee I would be in the no risk category.
And as long as I'm moving forward with that, I'll schedule a doctor's appointment for a general check-up. I got a reference from my brother. I get to see how my liver is doing. And as far as I'm concerned, it's none of my family's business that I'm even going, much less whatever results come back.
I've started using falling asleep as a mental rehearsal for dying again. It's a little more focused than before. Before I just tried tracing my consciousness into sleepingness. Never succeeded.
This time around I'm trying to get myself more in the mindset of preparing to die. That this is it. I have some ailment and this is it, no waking up. Fade to black and that's all folks. It's not a choice. There's no choosing to live, no gambling that maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, maybe I won't.
I project out into all reality and existence I'm familiar with and attached to and overwhelm myself that this is it, this will all be gone. Even if there is an objective reality, my particular view of and take on it was purely subjective. It will be completely gone, erased. I trace my consciousness while falling asleep, telling myself this is the last glimpse of this material reality I will ever have from this subjective perspective.
I project out into it, and it also comes cascading back into me. I did treat physical reality as actual. It was real to me; the sensations, the experience. It was me. My life was me. It all gets sucked back into my mind.
Overwhelming, but stay relaxed. Remember being happy. Remember to be happy. I'm not a happy person. The final analysis of my natural being is that I'm not happy. I'm pretty miserable. So I need to make an extra concerted effort into remembering happiness to push my mind into blissfulness. Why? Do you want to die miserable? I don't.
current soundtrack:
1. Nisei Fight Song (Seam)
2. My Name is Mud (Primus)
3. Love (John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band)
4. Dovey (Throwing Muses)
5. New Feeling (Talking Heads)
6. Image Change (Elastica)
7. Your Time is Gonna Come (Led Zeppelin) i swear i'm not making this up
8. Larks Tongue in Aspic, part I (King Crimson)
9. Breakthrough (Modest Mouse)
10. It's Still Rock and Roll to Me (Billy Joel)
Stupid me. For a second there, I thought he was talking about life. But in my reading, he was.
I get to go for an HIV test tomorrow in case I decide to go for that language course in Taipei. I'm still undecided about the course, but knowing myself, the more I do things to prepare "just in case", the more momentum I'm picking up to go for it, despite any other factors.
And quite honestly, there aren't many "other factors". Go!
This will be the second HIV test I've gotten. I won't say anything about the ridiculous circumstances in which I got my first one, except that at my interview, the woman was *this* close to asking me what the hell was I doing there. My answers placed me in the lowest risk category. At this point, I guarantee I would be in the no risk category.
And as long as I'm moving forward with that, I'll schedule a doctor's appointment for a general check-up. I got a reference from my brother. I get to see how my liver is doing. And as far as I'm concerned, it's none of my family's business that I'm even going, much less whatever results come back.
I've started using falling asleep as a mental rehearsal for dying again. It's a little more focused than before. Before I just tried tracing my consciousness into sleepingness. Never succeeded.
This time around I'm trying to get myself more in the mindset of preparing to die. That this is it. I have some ailment and this is it, no waking up. Fade to black and that's all folks. It's not a choice. There's no choosing to live, no gambling that maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, maybe I won't.
I project out into all reality and existence I'm familiar with and attached to and overwhelm myself that this is it, this will all be gone. Even if there is an objective reality, my particular view of and take on it was purely subjective. It will be completely gone, erased. I trace my consciousness while falling asleep, telling myself this is the last glimpse of this material reality I will ever have from this subjective perspective.
I project out into it, and it also comes cascading back into me. I did treat physical reality as actual. It was real to me; the sensations, the experience. It was me. My life was me. It all gets sucked back into my mind.
Overwhelming, but stay relaxed. Remember being happy. Remember to be happy. I'm not a happy person. The final analysis of my natural being is that I'm not happy. I'm pretty miserable. So I need to make an extra concerted effort into remembering happiness to push my mind into blissfulness. Why? Do you want to die miserable? I don't.
current soundtrack:
1. Nisei Fight Song (Seam)
2. My Name is Mud (Primus)
3. Love (John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band)
4. Dovey (Throwing Muses)
5. New Feeling (Talking Heads)
6. Image Change (Elastica)
7. Your Time is Gonna Come (Led Zeppelin) i swear i'm not making this up
8. Larks Tongue in Aspic, part I (King Crimson)
9. Breakthrough (Modest Mouse)
10. It's Still Rock and Roll to Me (Billy Joel)
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
minding this negative post:
It took me forever to complete a really poorly planned and conceived module for the online TEFL course, and now I'm rushing to catch up, hopefully completing two more modules by week's end. I'm going to try to just get this out of the way.
So far, it's been a waste and I can't say I'm getting a whole lot out of this course that I wouldn't have figured out or learned anyway. But I tell myself that the certification will be good to have just in case, since I've been out of work for several years and have no recorded background in teaching English.
I also found that there's a language school in Taipei, associated with one of the major universities, that has a quarter starting in March with an application deadline on January 31st. So just in case I decide to take that route to end up in Taipei, I've been gathering all the materials necessary. A pain, since it's all official and they want stuff that students in their 20's, who have more schooling to get done, go chasing after.
They want a health certificate and an HIV test result, which I won't be going through my family to get. My parents started getting pushy before about giving me a physical and a flu shot, and I got defensive and shut them down. Just because they have a doctor's office, doesn't mean they're my health care providers.
I was even offended that they made that presumption. It would be like going to a doctor and having any results sent to my parents even before I saw them. It's not their prerogative. And as far as I'm concerned it's none of their business.
I showed them defensive by making it as clear as non-verbally possible that they weren't going to be sticking any needles in me, but I understood that there was no need to show them my offense, so I kept that in check. I have no reason to believe they should understand something like that.
Bah, now I'm boring even myself.
current soundtrack:
1. Wait Until Five (764-HERO)
2. Scissor Man (XTC)
3. I Don't Need Anything But You ("Annie")
4. 11:59 (Blondie)
5. Straight, No Chaser (Thelonius Monk)
6. Icarus (Borne On Wings of Steel) (Kansas)
7. So What (Ani DiFranco)
8. Bring On the Night (live) (The Police)
9. Tux On (Marillion)
10. Gethsemane (Peter Gabriel)
It took me forever to complete a really poorly planned and conceived module for the online TEFL course, and now I'm rushing to catch up, hopefully completing two more modules by week's end. I'm going to try to just get this out of the way.
So far, it's been a waste and I can't say I'm getting a whole lot out of this course that I wouldn't have figured out or learned anyway. But I tell myself that the certification will be good to have just in case, since I've been out of work for several years and have no recorded background in teaching English.
I also found that there's a language school in Taipei, associated with one of the major universities, that has a quarter starting in March with an application deadline on January 31st. So just in case I decide to take that route to end up in Taipei, I've been gathering all the materials necessary. A pain, since it's all official and they want stuff that students in their 20's, who have more schooling to get done, go chasing after.
They want a health certificate and an HIV test result, which I won't be going through my family to get. My parents started getting pushy before about giving me a physical and a flu shot, and I got defensive and shut them down. Just because they have a doctor's office, doesn't mean they're my health care providers.
I was even offended that they made that presumption. It would be like going to a doctor and having any results sent to my parents even before I saw them. It's not their prerogative. And as far as I'm concerned it's none of their business.
I showed them defensive by making it as clear as non-verbally possible that they weren't going to be sticking any needles in me, but I understood that there was no need to show them my offense, so I kept that in check. I have no reason to believe they should understand something like that.
Bah, now I'm boring even myself.
current soundtrack:
1. Wait Until Five (764-HERO)
2. Scissor Man (XTC)
3. I Don't Need Anything But You ("Annie")
4. 11:59 (Blondie)
5. Straight, No Chaser (Thelonius Monk)
6. Icarus (Borne On Wings of Steel) (Kansas)
7. So What (Ani DiFranco)
8. Bring On the Night (live) (The Police)
9. Tux On (Marillion)
10. Gethsemane (Peter Gabriel)
Thursday, January 05, 2006
151 Rum and the Fifth Mindfulness Training:
I bought another bottle of 151 rum and put it and the shot glass I use on my altar.
The altar is not a place of worship, there's nothing sacred about it. It does act as a physical space that embodies and symbolizes respect and awareness of sacred spaces, also that everywhere is a sacred space. It's a place where I meet myself; face myself, recognize myself. That's all.
Actually, in the early days before I accepted the idea of an altar, I used to sit in front of a mirror, even though my eyes were mostly closed and I didn't even look at it. I have no idea where that idea came from, I just thought of it and did it.
In short, the so-called 5th mindfulness training is about mindful consumption with an explicit proscription against alcohol, and no matter how I interpret and re-work my understanding of the training, I always react negatively whenever I read that part of the training. I can't do this, I don't accept this, I'm not doing this.
But even with the proscription against consuming alcohol, these are not moral commandments. It doesn't mean that if I drink alcohol, I'm a bad person. It doesn't mean I should feel bad about it. All it means is that when I drink, I'm aware of the possible farther-reaching consequences.
When I'm standing there with a shot glass in hand, I'm going to drink this drink. I, as a person, am the accumulation of many factors and circumstances that has led me to be standing there with this drink in my hand, and I will drink it. The training adds one extra element to drinking it – active awareness of it.
There may come a time when the accumulation of factors and circumstances that make up the person that is me is different. It may be that I've transformed and become a slightly different person, and having trained myself to be mindful of everything that goes into and comes out of drinking, I can refuse the drink as naturally as breathing.
Maybe the training is a protection against drinking becoming an ingrained habit. This is just me, I'm not saying this is true or would work for anyone else. The training isn't even a thought. I'm not thinking, This is bad, or I shouldn't be doing this. It's just a spark. Just recognizing it's a training without thinking what the training is. When time comes to face it, then it can become a thought.
I can never stop drinking and drink for the rest of my life. I can drink myself to death. What I don't want to do is drink blindly as a slave.
current soundtrack: last 10 songs shuffled on iTunes
1. Aerial Boundaries (Michael Hedges)
2. Lady Grinning Soul (David Bowie)
3. The Boxer (Simon & Garfunkel)
4. The Family Solicitor ("Me and My Girl")
5. Alice Springs (Liz Phair)
6. Muzzle (Smashing Pumpkins)
7. Symphony No. 4, I. Adagio, allegro vivace (Beethoven)
8. 85 (Rilo Kiley)
9. Fly Me To the Moon (bossa nova) ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
10. Wedding (Princess Princess)
I bought another bottle of 151 rum and put it and the shot glass I use on my altar.
The altar is not a place of worship, there's nothing sacred about it. It does act as a physical space that embodies and symbolizes respect and awareness of sacred spaces, also that everywhere is a sacred space. It's a place where I meet myself; face myself, recognize myself. That's all.
Actually, in the early days before I accepted the idea of an altar, I used to sit in front of a mirror, even though my eyes were mostly closed and I didn't even look at it. I have no idea where that idea came from, I just thought of it and did it.
In short, the so-called 5th mindfulness training is about mindful consumption with an explicit proscription against alcohol, and no matter how I interpret and re-work my understanding of the training, I always react negatively whenever I read that part of the training. I can't do this, I don't accept this, I'm not doing this.
But even with the proscription against consuming alcohol, these are not moral commandments. It doesn't mean that if I drink alcohol, I'm a bad person. It doesn't mean I should feel bad about it. All it means is that when I drink, I'm aware of the possible farther-reaching consequences.
When I'm standing there with a shot glass in hand, I'm going to drink this drink. I, as a person, am the accumulation of many factors and circumstances that has led me to be standing there with this drink in my hand, and I will drink it. The training adds one extra element to drinking it – active awareness of it.
There may come a time when the accumulation of factors and circumstances that make up the person that is me is different. It may be that I've transformed and become a slightly different person, and having trained myself to be mindful of everything that goes into and comes out of drinking, I can refuse the drink as naturally as breathing.
Maybe the training is a protection against drinking becoming an ingrained habit. This is just me, I'm not saying this is true or would work for anyone else. The training isn't even a thought. I'm not thinking, This is bad, or I shouldn't be doing this. It's just a spark. Just recognizing it's a training without thinking what the training is. When time comes to face it, then it can become a thought.
I can never stop drinking and drink for the rest of my life. I can drink myself to death. What I don't want to do is drink blindly as a slave.
current soundtrack: last 10 songs shuffled on iTunes
1. Aerial Boundaries (Michael Hedges)
2. Lady Grinning Soul (David Bowie)
3. The Boxer (Simon & Garfunkel)
4. The Family Solicitor ("Me and My Girl")
5. Alice Springs (Liz Phair)
6. Muzzle (Smashing Pumpkins)
7. Symphony No. 4, I. Adagio, allegro vivace (Beethoven)
8. 85 (Rilo Kiley)
9. Fly Me To the Moon (bossa nova) ("Neon Genesis Evangelion")
10. Wedding (Princess Princess)
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
I think I'll head into another "alcoholic phase". It's in quotes because my alcoholicism has never been a problem. It's never been what it is to other people who have a problem with it. It's another paradigm that's different from what it seems most people live.
I finished that bottle of 151 rum, and I'm letting myself be "hooked". The thing is that 151 rum will seer your tastebuds off and deaden your nerves to any lesser alcohol. Raiding the liquor cabinet of a 1.75l bottle of cheap gin and the stuff is like water now. The effect only comes much later, much slower.
I have my practice. I have my journey, my "quest". But I also have my madness, my self-destruction. It's lovely, really. I'm not bi-polar, really. It all makes perfect sense to me, really. They're the same thing, really. If I wasn't mad and self-destructive, I couldn't embark on this exploration into existence. If I wasn't pursuing this internal practice and journey, I wouldn't be mad and self-destructive.
The end result is something in the middle.
Just kidding, the end result is the practice, the journey, and getting beyond the tool of self-destruction. The self-destruction is just a tool.
How easily I could let this blog slip into being a mental health blog, and become dark, negative, self-absorbed. I have blogs like that bookmarked, and I can relate to them, but becoming like that wouldn't be accurate. It was years ago, but not now. And I could never be that forthright about my mental health, and even less inclined to subject myself to the system again.
Why let myself slip into another alcoholic phase when I know I don't need to? I guess I want to. Holy fucking shit, am I depressed? I don't get depressed. If I'm depressed, that would really suck.
current soundtrack:
1. Rocket From a Bottle (XTC)
2. Voices (Cheap Trick)
3. The Message (Bela Fleck & the Flecktones)
4. What You Don't Know About Women ("City of Angels")
5. It's a Mistake (Men At Work)
6. Knives Out (Radiohead)
7. Mother (The Police)
8. A Show of Hands (Victor Wooten)
9. My Name is Mud (Primus)
10. Symphony No. 38, III. Finale (Presto) (Mozart)
I finished that bottle of 151 rum, and I'm letting myself be "hooked". The thing is that 151 rum will seer your tastebuds off and deaden your nerves to any lesser alcohol. Raiding the liquor cabinet of a 1.75l bottle of cheap gin and the stuff is like water now. The effect only comes much later, much slower.
I have my practice. I have my journey, my "quest". But I also have my madness, my self-destruction. It's lovely, really. I'm not bi-polar, really. It all makes perfect sense to me, really. They're the same thing, really. If I wasn't mad and self-destructive, I couldn't embark on this exploration into existence. If I wasn't pursuing this internal practice and journey, I wouldn't be mad and self-destructive.
The end result is something in the middle.
Just kidding, the end result is the practice, the journey, and getting beyond the tool of self-destruction. The self-destruction is just a tool.
How easily I could let this blog slip into being a mental health blog, and become dark, negative, self-absorbed. I have blogs like that bookmarked, and I can relate to them, but becoming like that wouldn't be accurate. It was years ago, but not now. And I could never be that forthright about my mental health, and even less inclined to subject myself to the system again.
Why let myself slip into another alcoholic phase when I know I don't need to? I guess I want to. Holy fucking shit, am I depressed? I don't get depressed. If I'm depressed, that would really suck.
current soundtrack:
1. Rocket From a Bottle (XTC)
2. Voices (Cheap Trick)
3. The Message (Bela Fleck & the Flecktones)
4. What You Don't Know About Women ("City of Angels")
5. It's a Mistake (Men At Work)
6. Knives Out (Radiohead)
7. Mother (The Police)
8. A Show of Hands (Victor Wooten)
9. My Name is Mud (Primus)
10. Symphony No. 38, III. Finale (Presto) (Mozart)
Monday, January 02, 2006
Uh, so let's see...2005: feeling sorry for myself.
January: transition month from monastery to Taiwan via New Jersey.
February-March: Taiwan.
April: transition month back to monastery via New Jersey and San Francisco.
May-July: monastery.
July-December: loser me in loser New Jersey, doing absolutely nothing, reaching new lows. Even killing myself would've been doing something, but I even accepted that I wasn't even going to do that.
2006: continue doing what I don't want to do, by definition, because there is nothing that I do want to do. Anything I end up doing, I don't want to be doing, just because it is doing something.
Madoka sent an eCard on Christmas. She stopped substantive communications a couple years ago, and all my efforts to make a connection went ignored. She hasn't emailed since early November, and I've accepted that everything is different between us, and there just isn't anything left. I will reply, but not with much.
Audrey sent a one line happy new year email. She effectively stopped communicating in October with no explanation, when everything was seemingly going really well between us. Her communications since then, including this one, has suggested that she is cutting contact, and I accept. I won't reply.
As I said, this is just feeling sorry for myself. It is neither reality nor my reality. Cut me some slack, I skipped sitting this morning. Yes, 2006 will be much better. Happy New Years.
current soundtrack: last 10 songs shuffled on iTunes
1. Welcome to the Terrordome (Public Enemy)
2. I Deserve It (Madonna)
3. Here is No Why (Smashing Pumpkins)
4. The Great Escape/The Last of You/Fallin' From the Moon (Marillion)
5. The Nest That Sailed the Sky (Peter Gabriel)
6. The Continental Way (Casiopea)
7. 5:11 A.M. (The Moment of Clarity) (Roger Waters)
8. Don't Start (Too Late) (Black Sabbath)
9. Celluloid Heroes (The Kinks)
10. Senses Working Overtime (XTC)
January: transition month from monastery to Taiwan via New Jersey.
February-March: Taiwan.
April: transition month back to monastery via New Jersey and San Francisco.
May-July: monastery.
July-December: loser me in loser New Jersey, doing absolutely nothing, reaching new lows. Even killing myself would've been doing something, but I even accepted that I wasn't even going to do that.
2006: continue doing what I don't want to do, by definition, because there is nothing that I do want to do. Anything I end up doing, I don't want to be doing, just because it is doing something.
Madoka sent an eCard on Christmas. She stopped substantive communications a couple years ago, and all my efforts to make a connection went ignored. She hasn't emailed since early November, and I've accepted that everything is different between us, and there just isn't anything left. I will reply, but not with much.
Audrey sent a one line happy new year email. She effectively stopped communicating in October with no explanation, when everything was seemingly going really well between us. Her communications since then, including this one, has suggested that she is cutting contact, and I accept. I won't reply.
As I said, this is just feeling sorry for myself. It is neither reality nor my reality. Cut me some slack, I skipped sitting this morning. Yes, 2006 will be much better. Happy New Years.
current soundtrack: last 10 songs shuffled on iTunes
1. Welcome to the Terrordome (Public Enemy)
2. I Deserve It (Madonna)
3. Here is No Why (Smashing Pumpkins)
4. The Great Escape/The Last of You/Fallin' From the Moon (Marillion)
5. The Nest That Sailed the Sky (Peter Gabriel)
6. The Continental Way (Casiopea)
7. 5:11 A.M. (The Moment of Clarity) (Roger Waters)
8. Don't Start (Too Late) (Black Sabbath)
9. Celluloid Heroes (The Kinks)
10. Senses Working Overtime (XTC)
Thursday, December 29, 2005
I survived Christmas alright, although this is probably the first one I've spent on the East Coast in over 12 years or longer. I think I made it a point never to be here for Christmas, and no one ever pressed the point. We are not a Christmas-y family. We're not a holiday-y family. So spending a single Christmas with family couldn't be that bad. Especially since it'll never happen again.
I'm still trying to gauge my progress. I want to die, but I'm not pushing anything. I also don't want to die, which is different from before – I won't call it an improvement – that is, I can see advantages in not rushing into dying. Balanced perspectives.
I read an article today that I read as encouraging towards a hermit ideal, barring suicide or entering a monastery. It was about being isolated from the world as the ideal for practice. That means isolating one's mind from the attachments to the world that cultivate habits that take physical reality as absolute fact and given.
It's about mental discipline. I could enter a monastery and still be completely attached to my worldly existence and cultivate those attached habit energies. On the other hand it's possible to be engaged in the world while remaining unattached and cultivating a mind that breaks down the habit of thinking of this table as a table.
But, there is a middle path that God takes because He's Buddhist.
Without going to extremes, an image that can be used as a constant meditation or concentration practice is a candle flame at the center of my mind, and only my concentration on it keeps it lit. Lose concentration, stop visualizing it, and it starts to flicker in the wind.
Still, the idea of getting this TEFL certification to go to Taiwan or Japan to teach English just to support myself while I otherwise live a quasi-hermit-like existence still seems ludicrous. What's the point? And it makes me want to push my exploration of dying.
I found a bottle of 151 proof rum in the house, and I've been drinking it because I don't think anyone will miss it. I haven't drunk a bottle of this stuff in over 10 years. And every time I take a shot, I remember why.
It's harder to drink a shot of 151 rum than it is to cut. That also makes it better than regular 80 proof liquors because it forces moderation. One shot of 151 rum and you don't want to touch the stuff again anytime soon. It will fu** you u*. You will feel like you're breathing fire. Two shots in an evening tops. Three per day tops.
current soundtrack:
1. Get Off the Internet (Le Tigre)
2. Sometimes I Make You Sad (Supergrass)
3. Like the Weather (10,000 Maniacs)
4. Sunday Bloody Sunday (live) (U2)
5. See My Friends (live) (The Kinks)
6. Martha My Dear (The Beatles)
7. Rebel Rebel (single) (David Bowie)
8. You Could Drive a Person Crazy ("Company" - Sondheim)
9. The Field (Throwing Muses)
10. Terminator X Speaks With His Hands (Public Enemy)
Christmas loot:
1. Muppet Show, Season One DVD
2. Cowboy Bebop complete sessions
3. Genesis: Platinum Collection
4. The Art of Living by the Dalai Lama
5. Lonely Planet: Taiwan
Saturday, December 24, 2005
You see, folks, this is what I call newsworthy, certainly more so than the incessant story after story after story of sensational, 15 seconds of fame worth of paranoia/cynicism inducing bad news fed to us night after night on the television.
In short, a worker in a candy store in California was bagging the purchases of a customer and her diamond ring fell off into the bag. That made the news a few days ago. The person who found the ring returned it.
Having been well-trained in media cynicism, I can dig up a few points to be critical about, but no, the story is all we need to know. And if the news aired more stories like this, our realities wouldn't be such that petty criticisms can take down the point of a happy ending.
In short, a worker in a candy store in California was bagging the purchases of a customer and her diamond ring fell off into the bag. That made the news a few days ago. The person who found the ring returned it.
Having been well-trained in media cynicism, I can dig up a few points to be critical about, but no, the story is all we need to know. And if the news aired more stories like this, our realities wouldn't be such that petty criticisms can take down the point of a happy ending.
I just want to be prepared for death.
Death is inevitable, it is something that is going to happen, it is definitely coming. We all go out in different ways, but we all go out. Five to one, baby, one in five, no one here gets out alive.
That's fine when people say sure, it's coming, but it isn't here now, so why be bothered by it now? Life is for living. That's valid. I'm not trying to be universal about this.
I don't know why it occurs to me to be bothered by being "unprepared for death". It has something to do with recognizing the impermanance of moments, and being unsettled by that impermanence. Youth passes, friends and acquaintances pass, events pass. Seasons pass, years pass, eras pass. Now passes, and the future will come to pass. And then we die. Our lives pass.
It unsettles me to treat life as permanent when it's not. It's not true, it's not real, and I'm striving for something true, something real. Something unaffected by death. Whatever it is, it's intangible, nothing physical or material stands up against death.
But it has to make sense to me, not just because someone said something about it however many hundreds of years ago. Even if it was the result of an exploration similar to mine. Even if it may have been my exploration way back when. In this lifetime, or these lifetimes, I need to explore it and experience it myself. Same as it ever was.
So I try to prepare for death without being obsessive about it. Meditations on death and the death process, visualizations using existing literature and intuition as a guide, meditations on life and existence, breaking it down to try to get a sense what it really is. Meditations on biology, human functions and feelings. Using falling asleep as a rehearsal for dying.
And even death passes. The cycling of life is what makes sense to me, because I see cycles all around me in nature, from water, to leaves on the trees, to seasons, to stars, to galaxies. Nothing dies into nothingness. Nothing dies into a dead end heaven.
I look around me and see things transform and recycle. Every molecule came from somewhere and was something else before. Every molecule will cease being what it looks like now and become something else. And along with the conservation of energy theory applied to all physical phenomena, I stretch it and apply it to spiritual energy, and allow it to follow the same cycles.
I've started noticing how song titles in these song lists sometimes match what I'm writing about. With over 9000 songs being shuffled, I'm not really reading anything into it aside from coincidence, but it amuses me.
current soundtrack:
1. Kecak (Sekaha Ganda Sari, Bona) Indonesian traditional.
2. When You Sleep (My Bloody Valentine)
3. Let It Be Me (Indigo Girls)
4. Circles (Chick Corea Akoustic Band)
5. Los Endos (Genesis) < --haha
6. Isolation (Joy Division)
7. Dusk (Duke Ellington)
8. We Work the Black Seam (live) (Sting)
9. Don't Give Up (Peter Gabriel)
10. Guide Vocal (Genesis)
Death is inevitable, it is something that is going to happen, it is definitely coming. We all go out in different ways, but we all go out. Five to one, baby, one in five, no one here gets out alive.
That's fine when people say sure, it's coming, but it isn't here now, so why be bothered by it now? Life is for living. That's valid. I'm not trying to be universal about this.
I don't know why it occurs to me to be bothered by being "unprepared for death". It has something to do with recognizing the impermanance of moments, and being unsettled by that impermanence. Youth passes, friends and acquaintances pass, events pass. Seasons pass, years pass, eras pass. Now passes, and the future will come to pass. And then we die. Our lives pass.
It unsettles me to treat life as permanent when it's not. It's not true, it's not real, and I'm striving for something true, something real. Something unaffected by death. Whatever it is, it's intangible, nothing physical or material stands up against death.
But it has to make sense to me, not just because someone said something about it however many hundreds of years ago. Even if it was the result of an exploration similar to mine. Even if it may have been my exploration way back when. In this lifetime, or these lifetimes, I need to explore it and experience it myself. Same as it ever was.
So I try to prepare for death without being obsessive about it. Meditations on death and the death process, visualizations using existing literature and intuition as a guide, meditations on life and existence, breaking it down to try to get a sense what it really is. Meditations on biology, human functions and feelings. Using falling asleep as a rehearsal for dying.
And even death passes. The cycling of life is what makes sense to me, because I see cycles all around me in nature, from water, to leaves on the trees, to seasons, to stars, to galaxies. Nothing dies into nothingness. Nothing dies into a dead end heaven.
I look around me and see things transform and recycle. Every molecule came from somewhere and was something else before. Every molecule will cease being what it looks like now and become something else. And along with the conservation of energy theory applied to all physical phenomena, I stretch it and apply it to spiritual energy, and allow it to follow the same cycles.
I've started noticing how song titles in these song lists sometimes match what I'm writing about. With over 9000 songs being shuffled, I'm not really reading anything into it aside from coincidence, but it amuses me.
current soundtrack:
1. Kecak (Sekaha Ganda Sari, Bona) Indonesian traditional.
2. When You Sleep (My Bloody Valentine)
3. Let It Be Me (Indigo Girls)
4. Circles (Chick Corea Akoustic Band)
5. Los Endos (Genesis) < --haha
6. Isolation (Joy Division)
7. Dusk (Duke Ellington)
8. We Work the Black Seam (live) (Sting)
9. Don't Give Up (Peter Gabriel)
10. Guide Vocal (Genesis)
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Still thinking about death. I almost stopped when I caught the first few minutes of some Barbara Walters crap on primetime TV about Heaven (and likewise death and the afterlife). If it was any indication of popular perception, what a worldly heaven people believe in. It made death so unattractive.
Fortunately, PBS was re-broadcasting an incredible documentary called From Jesus to Christ, a scholarly piece about the development of the early Jesus movement and how it developed into Pauline Christianity, so I watched that and avoided offending myself further by watching that Baba Wawa drivel.
I wonder if people really think about death. I lean towards thinking they don't. I wonder if people think about what it means to really think about death. Do they just believe what they're told in church? Do they look deeply into themselves and ask what they really believe? Does what they're told really make sense to them on a deep intuitive level? Does thinking about death relate to why they're writing that check to pay the bill, driving their car, eating dinner? Because it should.
I have to watch myself, though. I've been recently grappling with the realization that any belief system that distinguishes between right and wrong, meaning my belief system is right and that other belief system is wrong, is automatically rendered...wrong.
It's hard because I have my thoughts and I think they're right, but as soon as I think they're right, someone else's thoughts and ideas are wrong, and that renders what I'm thinking wrong. And I do think that approach is right. I am trying to suppress an ego-habit of some self rightness granted to my thoughts just because I had them and they make sense to me.
And really there are so many people out there who are just dead wrong. Doh!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
I wish I had been writing about sitting and meditation all these years to maybe somehow track the process and progress. But for some reason I've always felt it was this very private thing, and talking about it would be like a touchy-feely, hippie thing.
I hate people talking about meditation, and even guided meditations, at the monastery, whenever I knew morning sitting would be a guided meditation (retreats usually), I sat on my own in the small hall.
It's just not something I can write about, it's so intangible and big, but...I dunno, something. I know it started as something. How did it get to where it is now? How is it so different now from when I started? The only big benchmark is when I first went to the monastery and found I could sit for 45 minutes, which is now the ideal length of time.
At this point, it is emotionally and mentally involving, if not draining. In a good way. Sometimes right before a session I'd have to brace myself mentally, a little anxious about where my mind will go this session.
I still think sometimes (grasping at thoughts), but not often. And it took a long time to get to the point where I don't think. I'd say after almost 15 years, it has only been recently that I'm not "chasing after thoughts", having something come to my mind and attaching to it by thinking it through.
The mental flow is always there, and it may be a very subtle difference between attaching to thoughts and not attaching to thoughts. Sometimes I will follow a thought, but I won't be attached to it, I won't be thinking about it. I'll just be "riding" it. It's hard to describe.
Random mental images come and go, and I pay attention to them in that they are manifestations of my mind and thoughts; "what is this and where is it coming from?". Again, I don't attach to them. When some mental formation forms, not even an image, sometimes just abstract colors and shapes coming together, I don't stay with it, just observe and when it dissolves or changes, I just let it. No control.
As far as I know at this point, I'm not committing suicide. I'm also not entering a monastery. I think the path left to me is a solitary hermit path. Go to Taiwan to teach English, but live simply, don't save any money, continue practicing and cultivating.
Take the middle path like God says he does in "South Park" because he's Buddhist (shit, that was so funny I nearly crapped myself. That and that "the Mormons" was the right answer (to get into heaven), in the same episode). I won't practice asceticism. I won't be miserable, just try to find what true freedom means to me.
I hate people talking about meditation, and even guided meditations, at the monastery, whenever I knew morning sitting would be a guided meditation (retreats usually), I sat on my own in the small hall.
It's just not something I can write about, it's so intangible and big, but...I dunno, something. I know it started as something. How did it get to where it is now? How is it so different now from when I started? The only big benchmark is when I first went to the monastery and found I could sit for 45 minutes, which is now the ideal length of time.
At this point, it is emotionally and mentally involving, if not draining. In a good way. Sometimes right before a session I'd have to brace myself mentally, a little anxious about where my mind will go this session.
I still think sometimes (grasping at thoughts), but not often. And it took a long time to get to the point where I don't think. I'd say after almost 15 years, it has only been recently that I'm not "chasing after thoughts", having something come to my mind and attaching to it by thinking it through.
The mental flow is always there, and it may be a very subtle difference between attaching to thoughts and not attaching to thoughts. Sometimes I will follow a thought, but I won't be attached to it, I won't be thinking about it. I'll just be "riding" it. It's hard to describe.
Random mental images come and go, and I pay attention to them in that they are manifestations of my mind and thoughts; "what is this and where is it coming from?". Again, I don't attach to them. When some mental formation forms, not even an image, sometimes just abstract colors and shapes coming together, I don't stay with it, just observe and when it dissolves or changes, I just let it. No control.
As far as I know at this point, I'm not committing suicide. I'm also not entering a monastery. I think the path left to me is a solitary hermit path. Go to Taiwan to teach English, but live simply, don't save any money, continue practicing and cultivating.
Take the middle path like God says he does in "South Park" because he's Buddhist (shit, that was so funny I nearly crapped myself. That and that "the Mormons" was the right answer (to get into heaven), in the same episode). I won't practice asceticism. I won't be miserable, just try to find what true freedom means to me.
Friday, December 16, 2005
The Palisades from the Alpine Lookout off the Palisades Parkway:
There are two lookouts between Exits 1 and 2 on the Palisades Parkway. This is closer to Exit 2. I used to come to these lookouts a lot when I was in high school just to get out of the house, away from the 'rents. I even wrote a song about hanging out there. Or more accurately it's a song that was inspired by hanging out there.
The river is, of course, the Hudson River between New Jersey and New York. The road down below is the Hudson River Drive, a scenic drive frequented by cyclists, including myself.
There are two lookouts between Exits 1 and 2 on the Palisades Parkway. This is closer to Exit 2. I used to come to these lookouts a lot when I was in high school just to get out of the house, away from the 'rents. I even wrote a song about hanging out there. Or more accurately it's a song that was inspired by hanging out there.
The river is, of course, the Hudson River between New Jersey and New York. The road down below is the Hudson River Drive, a scenic drive frequented by cyclists, including myself.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Death on my mind these days. Well, maybe death on my mind as usual. Not morbidly.
PBS re-aired the last "American Experience" about New York which focused solely on September 11. That was one heavy day. If we could have held onto that feeling, if it had lasted, would we be better people? Would we be a better country? The sentiments of compassion and understanding people expressed, the philosophical depths that people reached about how quickly and easily our lives could end. How quickly and easily we could become sad.
Needless to say, it didn't last, and the vast majority of people were ultimately unaffected in their hearts, in my opinion. I don't know what's in other people's hearts.
And the execution in California of the founder of the Crips gang, who started writing children's books on Death Row, warning kids about the dangers of gangs and drugs. Here was someone who was doing good, and it resonated when I read someone say if he isn't a candidate for redemption (clemency), who is? And another who asked would Arnold now go into the inner cities and try to keep kids out of gangs?
And on the other side, there were people outside San Quentin yelling "Kill him!" Damn. Kill him. Kill. Who has that right? He doesn't, and the courts found that he had killed. And the response now is to kill him. But I think his killing people was not just about something innate about this human being that should now be snuffed out, over and done with.
His killing people was him wrapped up in the totality of the circumstances of his upbringing and situation. What does killing the human being accomplish if the circumstances are still out there?
And I don't know, but the circumstances surrounding a government killing a person doesn't compare to the circumstances surrounding a black, inner city kid with no prospects, no advantages growing up in a disempowering system and social fabric that ultimately has him making a horrid choice of killing people, maybe even enjoying it by some accounts.
I'm just thinking this through. I'm not hardcore anti-death penalty, I'm generally against it for fuzzy reasons, but the issue is too messy for me to argue one side or another. I'm thinking of this one person, I think his name was Tookie Williams. Stanley "Tookie" Williams, I think.
Williams suffered because of his circumstances, and he caused suffering to other people, the victims and the victims' families. Then his surrounding circumstances changed again, including about six years of solitary confinement, and he started writing books that got him nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Is it unrealistic to think that Williams's writings might save lives from stopping kids from joining gangs and entering a life of violence?
Might he have saved one life by changing the circumstances of an inner city kid so that he doesn't become a murderer? So that another family doesn't suffer like the families of Williams's victims? Is it so far-fetched to think that because the victims' families lost a loved one, there is this person now with great street-cred writing books that might prevent another family from suffering like they are? Is there no solace in that?
Maybe not, I'm just thinking, no conclusions.
I moved to California not long after the death penalty was reinstated in the 90s. I didn't pay too much attention to death penalty cases because the issue is so polarized black and white, and life and death to me are very gray. But Williams' execution made me quite sad, and when I went to sleep at 2 o'clock EST Tuesday morning, I knew that we would be executed in an hour, midnight PST. I knew when I woke up, he'd be dead. I went to bed like I always do, like we all do.
There is a visualization meditation of being on Death Row. I've never been guided through it, but I've done something like it on my own while sitting. Waiting to die. Like the night before you're going to take an overseas flight, you're counting down. Like the day before an important job interview, you're counting down. You do things while you're counting down, you eat, you pack, you prepare. And time will pass and you'll go and catch your flight and go to your destination, or you'll get ready and go to your job interview and get it or not. Or you count down and you die. You're dead. It's all over. This is all over.
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